birthdays... I block them from my mind usually because through the first fifteen years of this life I was conditioned to feel as if birthdays were meaningless... I remember pictures of a birthday party when I was two or three or four... the nursery school I attended 6am to 6pm made the party for me... I remember the pictures in my mind because y first girlfriend was in them... I don't know where she is now...

until she died, my grandmother gave me a bag of coins on or around my birthday... that's about it... I remember the feeling of having no parties, of being forgotten... a card with a few dollars might be left for me, but birthdays were never celebrations... for a while I hoped... every spring I'd hope, anticipate, get excited... and every spring I'd be disappointed... so eventually, I learned to ignore birthdays...

there was one year where I was actually loved, when a fuss was made over me on my birthday as if the date was something special... my first girlfriend (we went out just over a year) and her best friend (who I adored) threw me a surprise "Sweet Sixteen" in her basement with all the frills and accessories... it was amazing... the pictures were stolen somewhere along the way...

these thoughts come to mind because April 18th was the birthday of one of the people who adopted me along the way, probably the most unemotional influence I've known personally... and then April 19th is the birthday of the girl who with whom I experienced my first wide open mouth kiss (still ranks as one of the best, longest, most amazing kisses I've known)... and a couple of other people have post-it notes somewhere in my brain that point to birthdays on these days and the 20th and 21st and 22nd and other dates in April... it was always a busy month for birthdays when I was in touch with myself and all the people I've known in this life...

I lost touch with everyone when I lost myself, and everything...

I hope they find me...

that is one of the deepest most serious most unconscious reasons for all the online rambling I do... one of the secrets I seldom tell myself... shhhhh, this may be more secret than the previous tongue-in-check secrets I told myself once upon a time...

those secrets are scary and buried deep in my psyche...

some still...

I stayed alive by simply continuing to wake up every day (at least most days)... after wandering aimlessly for a few years (yeah, a luxury few can afford for long and sure enough, after a while, I was not one of the few... but financial planning, health and safety, and good sense are not priorities when wallowing in self-pity or depression), going back to work and showing up there when I am supposed to (at least most of the time)... and I held my breath when I had to... and I wrote... I write... the words distract me (and tell me secrets)... the words keep me occupied (and breathing)... the words keep hope alive (even when I don't know it)... I stayed alive by simply continuing...

amidst the distractions... Precious wakes from an afternoon-evening nap to watch 24 and eat (10pm dinners... and she just keeps getting larger... and eating poorly... and sleepier in the morning... and homework gets skipped or left for the last moment... yeah, I'm telling secrets tonight... because caring is a verb... and ignoring self-destructive {or at least less than healthy and slackier} habits is not caring)... now the news is on...

so little time...

there'll be more to this entry tomorrow (as there was more added to the previous entry tonight)... it is part of the nature of my babbling and the character of this diary that if you read each entry I upload when it is uploaded, you'll get one perspective... and if you read the diary some time later, each entry (well, most entries) will have something extra added... sometimes it's just a word or few... sometimes it's many paragraphs and thoughts that were not there before... different times, different perspectives, one continuing to evolved written representation of life in black and white as I know it...

for what it's worth...

and sure enough, I must be at work in about a half hour in real time (though the date above is actually my night off and fun is on the agenda) and still need to do the stuff of life (bathe, eat, use the potty, etc)... there is just not enough time in the day, but that's no big secret... or even a little one...

tonight I go to church again... a different church... Baptist, I think... two churches in one week, that's different... Berry (from work... yeah, I know, a cast page would be helpful... one of these days when there's time) goes there and will be in a show someone there wrote... I think it's a dinner mystery show...

tomorrow is the high school play, Carousel, where Precious is on the running crew... the running crew moves the set stuff around in between scenes... the excitement is buzzing around and has been all week... and still, somewhere inside me, memories of my stage experiences warm the cockles of my hackles, or somewhere deep inside where I seldom go anymore...

suddenly, Evanescense is playing in my head...

talk amongst yourselves...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)