meanwhile (yes, I was bringing you a few moments (a slice, in fact) of RealTime�, remember?... and before we were so rudely interrupted by the story of amy (yes, that is her name, a real person in RealTime�), I was using others as an excuse for indulging my less than healthy or self-defeating impulses is a cop out I obviously won't tolerate for long (cuz here I am reprimanding myself in the same entry, so no wonder I was laughing at myself before I even got to this reprimand... sheesh, do I have to take responsibility for my every action and decision?)...

only if there's someone else around...

ah, ever the joker as I tease myself... but for whatever this next thought is worth, I shall tell you the truth... I am so uncomfortable with a couch potato life, it's getting harder and harder to breathe... but heck, I believe in love and sharing so much, as amy knows, I could even get into watching regularly scheduled television programs with the right person...

oh no, maybe I am desperate...

giggling is so inappropriate... and so am I... and what it all comes down to (incorrigible, aren't I?), is that there's nothing much happening in RealTime� so I was just wasting time babbling over in RealTime� when I am in this weirdly ecstatic self-mocking mood cuz I could be babbling on where babbling belongs and getting dozens more entries uploaded for the one or two people (and posterity) who are my dear loyal readers who read everything to see and ultimately, the record will show, that I bit it off and spit it out and I did it my way too... hopefully the one gets here before posterity (no offense, posterity) and we'll share the laughter that sometimes only I hear (and we will dance our great romance in a straight jacket built for two)...

I was definitely in too much of a babbling mood to stay over there in the RealTime� blog, so I attempted to leave with the following closing line:

bid you a fond farewell and hope you are having as much fun in your head as I am having in mine... until next time, love!

it didn't work...

what are you my love?... you touch me like you are my love... yes, Alanis comes to mind as I reminisce... and as haunting as the song can be, the bliss remains intact... nothing can take that away from me, that is a simple fact... and as most of you know, and the rest will now, that first perfect love is gone... but don't be sad... for it can still grow, couldn't tell you how, I just know it carries on... and I'm always glad... to feel... to know... it carries on...

I am alone today because the depths of love I've known are seldom touched in this modern world because it takes the ultimate sacrifice and people, in general, do not want to give up everything on the chance that someone else might be the ideal partner they've always dreamed of...

and that is where I live...

and while the fact remains that anyone can choose to join me, not everyone can be a match for my personality, interests, and fantasies... and while perfection would be ideal, I know the odds of perfection coming twice in a lifetime are infinitely higher than it coming once (and I am blessed to have found it, known it, and shared it once)... but I still believe there are some people who believe in love as the ultimate power, the love we can share that transcends everything, the love that lets us find our truth, our power, our god, our everything in the eyes and heart and presence of another person who connects in enough places to be close enough to an ideal match to bring us to that magic moment...

so I went on babbling over in RealTime� and thought... I could be distracting myself watching a marathon night of That Seventies Show and dreaming of Mila Kunis whispering sweet somethings into my ear because she simply can't control her amorous passions for my svelte exterior and suave interior because she reminds me so much of the Amy I knew once upon the time who inspired the song once in love with Amy in so many ways that I think she's a reincarnation (except she exaggerates the spoiled American princess material girl a bit and kind of reminds me of Precious)...

did somebody say once in love huh huh huh?

obviously I am just too happy to be upset with myself (for staring down the road of becoming a fat, lazy slob so long) or Precious (for staring down the road of becoming a rude, spoiled, insensitive faux-princess for so long) or the madness of mankind (for self-destructing and pretending it's cool or noble or virtuous or holy for so long) or anything else (this sort of happy madness is such a wonderful way to be) cuz I am regressing back to my teen years and remembering the first time I fell in love just to remember how foolish worrying about anything getting in the way of falling in love cuz when it happens it happens and nothing stops it so who cares about money or fat or personality quirks or unsightly blemishes or ingrown belly button hairs that make the dried remnants of that life giving tube swell to the point where an innie becomes an outie and people stop and stare all shocked because it looks really obscene when you stand up wearing a kimono...

carried away?... whatever could you mean?...

the fact of the matter is (oh wait, here comes the seriousness... time to put down the popcorn or chocolate, sit back, and pay attention), the title of this entry relates to me and my heart... my heart is the spoiledest heart in the universe because it knows what true love is and will settle for nothing less... I mean even purer and truer love than Princess Bride kind of love and that's some seriously pure true love, ya know? (do ya?)... I mean purer truer love than A Tale of Two Cities kinda love... or Random Harvest... or Count of Monte Cristo... or Time Enough for Love (you'll just have to read the books or see the movies to get a taste of the meaning behind these references cuz there are not words to express or explain and even the best story of all could only provide a shallow two dimensional portrayal of the kind of pure true love my heart knows cuz it's the purest truest love there could ever be)...

I am so full of spoiledness it's oozing out of me and keeps anyone who does not know and feel and experience and actualize the purest truest love that can ever be away because they know they are not worthy (no wait, they know they are afraid to come near such a pure and true love... yeah, forget the not worthy part, that's too arrogant to get the desired giggles from the peanut gallery)...

there are obviously too many voices talking to each other in my head these days (you are welcome to join in and if you think you can, you are very welcome to try to get as much attention as you can get.. think you can get as much as amy did?... titillating query, aye?... well, if it isn't just read on if you're still here)... heck, talking to each other, they are throwing a full scale party... and to remember the seriousness within this entry (with a smile), no wonder nobody comes up to meet me, I mean, who wants to be the only stranger at a party where everybody knows each other so well it's as if they live inside the same head...

yeah, we all looked at each other quizzically after that one...

so as if the purest truest love wasn't enough to scare people off, I've also got the most openly giggling comfortableness oozing out me as well (and that is the coolest of coolness that makes the Madison Avenue and Hollywood versions of coolness pale in comparison cuz my coolness is being completely openly honestly real and purely truly lovingly comfortable that no matter what I do or how I screw up or look foolish, I am comfortable cleaning up my mess and doing whatever it takes to make right whatever wrong I did and the party in my head goes on cuz everybody there knows no harm was intended and the purest truest love of all lives right downstairs in the heart...

cool, huh?...

you really don't know what you are missing, but I'll just keep letting ego out so you can write off the seriousness and laugh at the maniacal delusions of grandeur that mock me mercilessly (and keep you away, no doubt) until the right one sees through it all and grabs me the right way and then, we call a do over and start again...

makes sense to me...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)