I sit here tapping the keys as if something grand is happening, as if all this time I spend putting my thoughts and observations into words has some real worth for the world... why else would I use my time and energy this way... why else would I upload the words...

how many thousands of us are doing this now and what does it mean?... are we by conscious choice all putting ourselves in cubicles, behind walls, behind screens and words, distant and apart?... is this the direction our species is heading?... will this be the social life of the future?... is the future now?...

I grew tired of the club scene, the drinking, the drugs, the dress up and put on the show... though sometimes the meaningless fun and ego show was worth it, all in all it was more of a waste of time and money than fun... I did not want to work hard to make money just to spend the money on going out to try to impress someone, to try to meet someone...

real has to start with real, not with pretense...

I wrote the above at work last night... the thoughts are still buzzing around my head after napping (and not getting enough sleep today because I thought I had plans with my roommates and waited around for them to decide and then didn't fall back to sleep when they decided to cancel plans and instead put on a video) and eating and watching a movie... the irony is that the video Precious chose was Jerry McGuire...

sometimes I ramble on to escape from the immediate environment, the distractions or loneliness or superficiality or whatever that is going on around me that just doesn't make itself meaningful deep down... I make myself laugh with irreverence and teasing and self-mockery and by using my imagination and ability to look at things from very different (and often odd) perspectives (sometimes even I don't know when to actually take me seriously when the rambling takes off like it does sometimes, like it did in some of the last week's entries, so be forewarned, or not, for the dramatics might be more fun too)...

and sometimes I sit back as I am doing tonight and reflect seriously on the life I live, have lived, and want to live... thinking of the theme of Jerry McGuire and how it fits into my thoughts in this entry, I clearly see emotional power of words like you complete me and in many ways see such a bond to build life around, but there's a distinction, a clarification I must make...

I am complete and I seek someone who is complete within themselves, not someone who needs a co-dependent relationship in order to feel complete... yet I see feel the power and agree completely with the theme of the film with one word changing... it is not me I want someone to complete, but life... I want someone to can look me in the eye and hear me say, you complete my life while she simultaneously feels the same thing... a truly shared life, an balanced relationship, as I see it, requires two complete people coming together to complete a shared life...

so maybe this internet world is an easy place to hide...

and maybe this internet world is also an easy place to just say what we feel, to express who we are, to leave a note for the world in the hope that someone, maybe even that one person who actually understands and matches the ideals and interests and ethics and core personality traits to be that missing piece that completes the shared life...

the words are out here... amidst entries of freaky folly and fun... amidst experimental perspectives and imaginary reasoning and babble just for the sake of babbling... every now and then, there is this... the reason I am here... the thing I want most in life... a complete life... a shared life...

and until she comes along, I'll just ramble on J

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)