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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-09-21 - 8:28 p.m.

maybe I should write shorter entries...


if you don't have a lot of time, please jump right to the bottom of this page and read the last few paragraphs, especially the one about my dear friend augustdreams... the rest of you can endure my ramblings...

before this entry gets underway, a warning of sorts may be in order, or at least a disclaimer, if only to explain the potential tone of what's coming (the entry has not begun yet, so this is a speculative explanation, for whatever that means and for whatever it is worth to you... it's important enough in my head to open the entry with it, so it must mean something, unless, of course, I really do just babble on meaninglessly and deserve no quarter or to be taken seriously or anything {after all, most of my daily life is a distraction from the dream}, but I'll do my best to keep hope alive that that is not true, so hopefully you are paying attention)...

maybe the trouble is I have so many thoughts running around my head vying for attention at the same time that no one thought is given enough attention to blossom into something that actually gets noticed and passed around as a really great thought that everyone should think about...

but then, I don't want to think that that is what happens to kids, I mean, a child in a family with a lot of kids is not ignored or left feeling unloved and unattended to, right?...

as I said, I may be defeating my own purpose (did I say that?... well, I did somewhere in my babblings, but we've already digressed so far from the point of this preliminary explanation of the entry that has not been writen yet that I've probably lost most of you by getting lost myself and sadly, it's the rare breed of human that enjoys getting lost, really, especially on a first date... but I think this may be slightly besides the point as well, therein reinforcing, perhaps, the concept that this paragraph would have been about had it not been taken over by this parentheses)...

it's the mood that I meant to mention in passing before this entry gets started... the mood is odd, t0o say the least, odder than most... I feel abrasive and disheartened and excited and depressed... for starters...

I ran, or at least attempted to put one foot in front of the other at a pace faster than walking, the past two mornings... this, in and of itself, is cause for celebration... and also cause for self-mockery... but I do not feel cheerful enough for self-mockery at the moment, so any self-mockery that does appear in this entry, if it's every written, will most likely have come from my subconscious, a part of me that seems to instinctively mock me even when I'm not looking or in the mood to mock myself for this or that reason or whatever...

being that I have run maybe once, if that many times, and being that I've been to a gym maybe twice or a few times since the 2004 Hurricane season, and since I am getting as old as the hills, physically, I have a frighteningly horrible loss of energy and muscles that absolutely refuse to do what my brain is suggesting (I tend to try not to give orders to this body because the body has always had a mind of it's own and finds devious ways to undermine orders, probably because it is as stubborn and instinctively rebellious to autonomous authority as I am, just so you know)...

so what I am trying to say in this disclaimer introduction explantion of sorts part of this entry (what, there's still an entry to be written?... many?... no wonder I am alone in the madness my mind creates, even upon just waking and being all groggy distracted by internal and external stuff... alas, sigh, is anybody out ther?) is...

I am trying to say something, aren't I?...

I am experiencing technical difficulties... not computer or electronic equiptment technical difficulties, but the kind Batty faced in Furngully... short circuits have been firing off at random intervals in my brain and body... no need to worry, I think I shall survive to babbling on another day, and even to upload the few or more entries that have been written and await uploading, not that they deserve any such sort of build up or anticipatory fanfare, or even a mention, for that matter)...

I am, in essense, suffering from a sudden and profound case of the marvins... that would not be a reference the the marvin gardens, which might be a good sign as it's not one of the lower priced properties and is a garden, presumably), but rather the marvins as in the mechanical being with the rather large round head who had pithy comments, but not much else going for him in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (did I really have to mention where the reference came from?... raise you hand if you already knew)...

it's not depression, persay, for if Marvin was actually depressed he'd have not moved around helping as he did, he'd have just laid around lethargically and ignored any orders or attempts to get him to do anything... no, Marvine was cynical and realistic about the fact that everyone around him had their own agendas and nobody was actually there for him and he was excrutiatingly alone in the universe and the best he could do was help out wherever he could, albeit with his own futile commentary that makes so much sense to me at the moment that I'd probably serve Halloween best by getting a big Marvin suit and slumping around meaninglessly and mostly ignored, but I think I am digressing again...

anyway, I would have explained what I meant to explain had my brain not been misfiring a lot, so maybe you got something out of this pre-entry introductory disclaimer of sorts... and maybe I can still find some focus in my brain in spite of the TV and various other distractions that play around me...

simply, as if anything is simple, I have taken some steps back up the unbelievably enormous mountain that is physical fitness... after two days, I am achy breaky and most disgruntled with myself and the influences I've been allowing to influence me in this life... poisonous laziness and apathy and gluttony, to name a few... and I am struggling with short circuits to figure out the best way to separate myself from the shared habits I've slid into while not offending anyone while still releasing, in some healthy and as harmless as possible way, the anger I feel about the wasted condition I've allowed myself to get into...

does that make sense?...

I might appear much more selfish and callous and angry/frustrated with myself and humanity than I have any right to be, no less than seems to make sense... bear with me, if you care, and hopefully the repairs will not take too long...

and now, the entry that might no longer be written since it's introductory disclaimerish explanatory note was so freaking long and distracting...

ahem...

I have a few entries piling up around here (and more piling up in my head) and it is disheartening to realize that if I upload entries at the pace I think and write, most of the words will not be read...

that is what the stats tell me...

so why bother uploading the words?...

ah, the posterity factor... if Van Gogh did not cut off his ear and bleed on to the canvas (it's a metaphor, for all you art critics who might someday stumble by in a search for Van Gogh), we'd never know he was an artist... so I pour myself (and many of you) into words and upload them here even knowing that the pace at which I upload raises the odds that much of what I write will be missed (and the real bymmer comes when I am trying to do something for someone else and almost nobody responds, like yesterday... and I bless you for your love and caring and you for your comment cuz timing is everything and you were both right on time)...

I guess I have to accept, sometimes, that I am not of this world, that I live in my head in quite a different place where idealistic dreamers are welcome and encouraged and cheered on in their relative obscure and fairy-tale causes...

I want to help Nicole pay for EMT school and I am very frustrated with myself because I am so poor that just writing a check is not an option... obviously, I'd have a new laptop by now (not to mention a computer that was made after the turn of the millenium) if I had an extra $600 or more laying around... and I've got to come up with $500 to give to car insurance and at least $1000 to give to my storage place (I pay once or twice a year, usually in September-ish), and all the other utilities are due (I pay them every other month, usually) and the car payments (usually paid every three months) and other expenses are all due now... not to mention Precious and Berry and a certain child-o-mine in Chattanooga moving back to Florida any day now that is going to, with my permission and whole hearted love need some help this month...

so I let my idealistic dreamer imagine that if I proposed the idea that we can, very easily, help her get her life on a great track right now (instead of next year), then we can prove to her and each other that this world is full of love and caring and amazingly beautiful people...

and that renewed hope in me, however far fetched it may be in this world, was probably the motivation that got me to drag myself out the past two mornings when I got home from work to attempt the act of running again and face the humiliation of the results of self-neglect out there on the trail... the belly protrudes and screams profanity, the legs laugh at my brain's attempts to make them move faster, the lungs threaten to tell the heart to stop, and I don't think they are joking...

and I'm gonna keep hoping and believing in my fairy tale dreams and hopefully continue dragging myself out to get back to a level of physical fitness that satisfies me even if I have to prove to myself just how alone I am on this path (which is one reason I've dragged my feet all through this life about it, because I am not doing it for vanity or attractiveness or any other external reason, which is why I can slide into the pits of physical lethergy as I do at times, I do it, when I do it, only because it feels good inside... hopefully I am tired of feeling like physical crap)...

you could help a very beautiful person very tangibly (which would help me spiritually hang on to a belief that humanity, deep down, in spite of the abundance of evidence to the contrary, really does have a giving heart)...

it seems like such a simple thing, to share...

maybe I should read Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree again...

this entry surprised me, but then, so did the sudden impetus to run away, even in the rain this morning, but then, I don't alays write these entries with my conscious mind... I shouldn't feel ignored, I have responses... maybe I just set my hopes too high and set myself up for disappointment... or maybe my faith in humanity will be renewed...

I am a hopelessly hopeful dreamer, huh?...

Nicole wants to be an EMT... due to a heartbreaking expense of believing in someone far away (and going to visit for a month, spending all of her savings) and then getting disappointed when he decided she was not the one and returning home to pick up the pieces of life, she's broke... becoming an EMT fits her perfectly because she's got a beautiful wonderful giving heart... but it costs $600 for the course... $600 to turn a life around... can you help?... will you help?... I hope so...

anyway, to conclude this entry with some casual flair and hopefully some irreverence that makes it easier for you to laugh and not take me too seriously and therefore, hopefully come back again, I will remind you that I have other much more self-indulgent and selfish entries to upload and should not be forced ask for your generosity and compassion again anytime soon...

so maybe I explained it better yesterday...

there's been quite enough seriousness in this world of late and I'd really like to get back to the irreverent madness that is the cornerstone of my mind...

when the circuits come back online, that is...

bzzssft...






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