LIFE

IN
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last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


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ONE. . . WHY
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MEANING OF LIFE
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last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
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movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

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utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
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reel classics


fallout shelter
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global news matrix
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reason
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purple
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odd todd
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the superficial
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church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
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fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
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ragged trousered philosopher
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the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
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real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
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(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
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let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2004-10-22 - 12:25 p.m.

sharing selfishness


I was reading email and as usual felt both inspired by the words I was reading and torn between wanting to respond and wanting to write for myself, for writing is how I digest life and process the feelings borne of my experiences... and I decided I wanted to respond, but I wanted to explain (at least to myself, even if if I couldn't find the words that anyone else might understand) what keeps me from responding more and ultimately, the roots of the stagnation I am experiencing in this life (on and offline) these days... and this is what came out:

I am groggy... I have not slept more than five hours in several weeks and this week slept about four hours a day and have been awake for thirty-seven hours now...

thinking about my existence and habits for a moment (to discover and explain something more about me that may have been discovered and explained before but somehow demands an increase in clarification even at the risk of distracting me even more or confusing the issues even further, whatever they {the issues} may be), I find my overall well-being intrinsically linked to several things... and close to first on that list is introspection (perhaps with analysis), self-appraisal (with a healthy dose of self-mockery and blunt constructive criticism), self-expression (particularly in words, usually written, but also sung whenever possible), and as long as I am in this physical body and want to share it, mindless meanderings and serious exercise... when any one of these things are not happening, I am diminished and less motivated, less focused, less concerned, and less communicative...

breaking this down to further specifics and tangible tasks (for lofty platitudes and general diagnoses are nice to look at, but neither offer a real-world handle on what to do to improve anything that could do with some improvement), when I do not make time to write deeply (dig into self, feel deeply, and find the words to express the feelings in thoughts that I can understand), I am lethargic, apathetic, lazy, unmotivated, and potentially self-destructive... and definitely incommunicato as I do not enjoy sharing when I am not sharing with myself... this is a selfish streak (though not always completely selfish, as we may discover if I continue along this path of thought/feeling) that has it's pros and cons and definitely a fundamental aspect of my personality, behavior, and who I am in this life...

this writing write now is motivated by my desire to thank you (not so selfish) for continuing to be a precious and unique and powerful source of inspiration for me (selfish) and further to explain to myself (first) and to you (not as an excuse, but as information and fact of life about me to use in dealing with me) why I do not interact more with positive, supportive, inspiring, wonderful people (you being the representative of such people at the moment)...

I write for myself first and until I am satisfied that I dug into myself enough to get out whatever is going on inside of me (stuff happens every moment, builds up to fill my internal storage spaces, and starts distracting me from the world outside of myself if I let it build up too much... I rarely, if ever, let anything go completely and seldom let anything pass through me without some sort of processing... and this process requires time, usually time I do not have to actually do it to my satisfaction)... and until I get enough out (even if it is not to my satisfaction), I am reluctant (and often unwilling) to devote time to focus on (as in writing to, in this case) anyone else (unless I make it a kind of professional project, which is how I deal with detaching myself from the unfinished business inside and being motivated to and able to go to work and spend so much time outside of myself when I myself am craving {starving for} my own attention and introspection and process)...

and hopefully this makes some sort of sense to you, even if it is not your way or seems strange or confusing... and I thank you for inspiring me to come here as this explanation is definitely part of the next entry I post in my online rambles (cuz hopefully you are not the only one who cares enough to want to know this about me)...

I may be, deep down, a rather complicated simpleton by human standards and perhaps understanding me is a task that requires more time and energy (and patience and editing skills and an infinite well of resolve and fortitude and strength and courage) than the normal average human being wishes to give to the task... that I understand, for I do not have the time to do it myself for myself no less do it for anyone else...

but it feels so good when someone does try, and it feels so good when I try, which is the primary reason I choose the work I do in this world for while it leaves me in relative material poverty, it fulfills the more important aspects of life (for me at least)... the fact of life most important to me is... truly feeling good about self can not be bought at any price...

expressing myself feels good... believing you care to know this feels good... and expressing this aspect of me, understanding why the communication happens so much less than I want it to, understanding that wants must be prioritized or none may be fulfilled, this brings a peace that dissolves much of the cloud of confusion (or guilt or self-pity or whatever else tends to grow like a rancid fungus around my consciousness when I ignore this) and releases me to explore myself (introspectively and creatively) and integrate the inspirations I find around me into the self-expression I must do for survival and satisfaction (and contentment and happiness and glee and euphoria, if such good feelings really require more detailed sub-categorization)...

when the words are filled with self-doubt, it is because I have not given myself enough time to process the input of life for too long and I start wondering if I can, what is lost, and how much failure I can stand before I ultimately give up and accept death as the natural end to this life...

when the words are filled with self-pity, it is because I have allowed the self-doubt to linger and fester and (grow like the rancid fungus) for clouds of confusion for too long and the child inside demands time for self even if it looks (or might be) selfish, stupid, childish, irresponsible, pathetic, or self-destructive ...

ultimately, nothing is more self-destructive than ignoring self and the process of knowing and expressing self for too long...

it is a path that leads to depression at levels that professionals would call clinical depression and I have yet to wander deep enough into such self-focused time in this life for long enough to require external assistance to emerge from it's depths (and trap), mostly because I remain conscious throughout (at least I maintain some shread of a thread {sometimes apparently invisible} of connection with the source of clarity and light within me {which is ultimately where we are trying to get back to through the self-pity and self-doubts and clouds of confusions that form when not enough time is given to the process of processing all the data that comes into a brain/body in the course of each moment}, the key is remembering that it is always there, even when conscious contact wains or disappears into forgetfulness... you are still a beautiful happy free wonderful child or the universe {to of any god/God you choose to call yours}, even when you forget)...

to share self, you must find self... that means take the time to focus on yourself for as long as you need to to find yourself and learn to love yourself for you can not share what you do know know and you can not love anyone else unless you love yourself...

see how this process works... it is a trick of pronouns... I started writing this to explain something about myself, specifically about why I so rarely respond personally to emails these days, and it turns into a philosophical platitude that lifts me up to feel like I just read something profound that someone wrote just for me... so... thank you for inspiring me to write these words to you for me...

I love the process when it works J






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


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the moment

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