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2003-12-21 - 3:29 a.m. sense memories ok, so my fingers are almost shivering... it might be below freezing out there tonight and I just woke up and scribbled a bit and felt the sense memory of the great white north in my fingers and all it's power (sense memory is an awesome thing), the positive and negative... remembering how it feels when hours and days go by seeing that nobody really has the time or interest in caring enough to save someone going under out on the streets in the cold... remembering living and dying there... remembering how it feels to throw snow and tackle each other and roll around in the freshness and whiteness that falls from the sky and blankets everything with a new and wondrous appearance of harmlessness and cleanliness and maybe what some would picture as heavenness... remembering living and loving there... remembering how it feels to sit powerless in a nearly empty room wondering why no one will turn up the heat, why no one hears teeth chattering, why no one cares that it is painful to hold a pencil to scratch out what may be last words about how the pen will not work anymore and there is frost on the furniture and dark rims at the base of fingernails... remembering living and learning there... remembering how it feels to wake up and look outside at the world and still feel like it's a dream because it is so still and different and fluffy like clouds and even the biggest dirtiest busiest most rush-around city in the world seems deserted as eight lane city streets can be walked with each footprint a new creation in a moldable pristine pillow of white... remembering living and dreaming there... remembering pushing a shovel and lifting and working to clear paths and keep moving to stay warm and alive when winds blew air and snow so thick that goggles were needed just to see and the paths shoveled were obscured by the constant falling of white cold... remembering living and surviving there... remembering a song and stories and movies and trees decorated with lights and candy and colorful balls and glittering ornaments while enormous feelings swung between belonging and being left out rolled through like irresistible waves of energy that came from everywhere and everything and nowhere and nothing, but just was... remembering living and trying to get back to those feelings again... and remembering feeling lonely...
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