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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-04-19 - 6:09 a.m.

a z0tl is a terrible thing to waste


knowing z0tl as I do, however that may be, or not to be, there is no question that he's bound to erase his notes sooner or later, at least he's bound to if he's alive next month... bound to being determined by statistical probability compiled by many supercomputers and mice, for it requires equations of the magnitude reaching the mathematics of psychohistory (but no one except Hari is supposed to know for too many variables would through the predictability into an infinite spiral beyond time and space, so forget psychohistory), given that it has been the case every time before and, just in case...

I have decided to take the unprecedented (unless you can find precedents, other than the time I quote a conversation with the man somehere in the archives of candora a couple of years back when his provocation was inspiring a change of winds in the land of fairy tale love, but those were my notes) step of reproducing, without permission (so sue me), all the notes up to this moment (this moment being a few days into the future) left for the gifted irreverent one (and just think, tributes like these usually don't happen until after one's dead... premature eulogization?)...

if you do anything over your summer vacation, you really should make time to read all 2000 entries... I'd like to see three or four or five thousand entries eventually, but that might not be possible for, as I've often said, the dead can not journal... of course I could be wrong and that would be great, but just in case I am right, I selfishly wish a cure for suicidal depression would be found post haste, before, even...

it may make no difference... after all, someone who wishes to leave this life is going to leave (even if it's their husband or wife who is stating theirwishes for them after they've slipped into a state of questionable awareness and foggy legal weather, but that's another story that reminds us everyone should have an iron clad alibi, I mean legal will and living will... or else the media might throw a party for themselves in your dishonor and not even bother dressing you for it)...

but I digress... as it is, the worst thing you could probably do for a person wishing to die is lay some spiritual guilt trip on them or talk to them in foreign languages or in judgmental tones in any language... whatever your moral or ethical perspectives, don't dump your load on a person already feeling buried by other emotional baggage, unless, of course, you want the person to off themselves (bloody hypocrits)...

meanwhile, z0tl has lead me to ponder mortality and whether life is worth living... there've been times when I gave up, when I laid on the sidewalk and went to sleep not knowing, perhaps not caring if I woke again... there was a time when I walked into my closet and curled up and did not emerge for days... the smell was awful (no joke, a bladder must be released)... yes, I've been to quite dramatic and, by most standards, disgusting extremes in this life... I know where bottom is, I've hit it more than once...

being the most stubborn (and selfish) child I've ever met (when I want to be), I refused to take an easy way out... maybe it's the martyr in me who chose to suffer for as long as the suffering would last (on some levels, it never ends)... I refused to die... all the drinking/drugs I did to escape and explore alternative perspectives, to find a way out of the bottomless pits of despair, somehow did not kill me... but then, I might not have cared whether I lived or not, but it was not my intention to die...

so I carry that weight... still wanting to believe that there's still a way back home (once there was a way)... and wanting to believe is all it takes to believe... I stumble through life on blind faith that if I remain alive, there's a better probability that I shall find another true love than if I was dead...

is it irony or a message from somewhere beyond that The Nightmare Before Christmas is currently on the TV as The Beatles Abbey Road plays in my ears... take me back to childhood... and back to the roots of rock and roll... and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make?...

so I still write loves songs to first loves and others, and keep the dream alive by fantasizing about people based on the words and images I find online... heck, I am in the middle of trying to built a great fantasy right now (but some things are more important than my fantasy life... my heart will go on...

I do not know the answer... maybe if a thousand people flood the notes with hellos and love and well wishes and... maybe if a few good people actually read the words and respond with definitive proof that there is more value in life than in death... maybe if one person choose to fall in love and comes with a love so true that it heals the damage done... these all sound like things that I'd sure love to try out on myself when I find the dark mouth of despair threatening to swallow me again... but these things are not for me to do, after all...

I do not know the answer for myself, so I surely do not know the answer for anyone else... is just caring, truly openly honestly unconditionally caring, enough?...

messages to z0tl:
(click here to add new message):

from candoor :
I've been listening to Abbey Road on repeat tonight... it's been a while... and then I read your entry two and I think: that's probably why I'm still alive, I never wanted to be part of the majority... I'd be the lemming with the parasail... and I thank nature for chocolate... have you read Jonathan Livingston Seagull lately?...
from tathagres :
beautiful, Z.. please don't. Love you. *kisses*
from candoor :
I posted in alt.suicide some years ago when I spent a lot of time in newsgroups and I wish anyone truly wishing to leave this world well, even if I'd rather they'd stick around because they just might do something that would matter more than leaving, someday... the randomness of our molecules bumping into each other in this physical existence has infinite possibilities and even at my bottom, I found the possibilities exciting... I find the unknown exciting too, but I'm in no rush... maybe it's just as the song says, I don't want to miss a thing...
from girl-genius :
its a tough thing to escape, this world that they have built up for us. sometimes, i wonder why i am wasting all this money on an education for a job i wont want for a life i wont enjoy. i hope that you find something worth staying here for. there is no evidence that the afterlife is any better.
from candoor :
tonight, again, I have time enough for a quick note (no entry or browsing or life) and then a short drive to work... I also have the very heavy (suffocating at times) personal understanding of your words, of having a lot of what you had - love, money, stocks, career, wonder, some people call it 'having it all', pr paradise... and then losing everything... the street is cold and hard, whether it is made of concrete or dirt... the pit is bottomless, the abyss almost friendly in the numbing promise of endless sleep and unconsciousness and the hope for nothingness... ironic, that death brings any sort of hope, that ending life might be perceived as a way of living better... that being nothing is better than feeling like nothing and living in pain... I still do not want to die enough to do it myself or provoke someone else into doing it for me... my craziness is hangin on to, perhaps hanging myself with hope... alone, lonely, stagnating and wasting away at times, but still a lump of hope continuing to breath... however you do it, I hope you continue to breath too... and keep in touch...
from trulypoetic :
Interesting postsbut >dont do it< I would miss you. >thats reason enough<
from intheory27 :
I look at the sky and it's electricity in motion and it bleeds orange in a kind of phenomenal fury and I know that right now you hate everything and that it all seems worthless, but if there's nothing else at all, there's an incredible, incredible sky up there. Breathe it in if you can, it's staggering. In that moment, you stop lingering and start living again.
from candoor :
just checking in again tonight, just letting you know...
from elipsis :
do you think a book would draw you into another perspective? you might like "Phantoms in the Brain" by Ramachandran. it's not an uplifting sort of self-help book (for some reason i can't picture you really getting into one of those), but it does help to paint a different sort of picture of what's going on inside a human mind in a given situation. OR read "Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers" by... Mary Roach? I can't remember her name. It, also, may not make you feel better about life, but it makes the physical aspect of death a little less mysterious--and maybe a little less tempting. mostly... read back over your own work. you have some gems in there that would inspire just about any curious mind to wonder exactly what else is possible in this playground of a world--and wouldn't it be a shame not to use (as fully as possible) the little bit of time that we're allowed to wander around in it? summary: i don't know. i don't know if a book can make things better. i wish i could take a walk with you instead!
from tathagres :
*hugs*
from candoor :
I should not love your drama as much as I do, but then, I've been away and have some catching up to do, so if you are referring to your body, I will not joke because I seriously hope you continue living... if you are referring to a final note for your z0tl diary at DLand... I hope you continue somewhere... I've seen a lot of people leaving Dland lately and I've considered using other places to ramble and expound and explore myself... there are so many bits and pieces of myself, they have to go somewhere... in all seriousness, your mind would be a terrible thing to waste.
from katy-bug :
Don't. I will (do) miss you.
from bi-polar :
You've helped me in the past morea than I can stay. If you leave Dland it will become a very boring place.
from intheory27 :
<3. Welcome back, even if your dland stint does soon end.
from envyinsanity :
You get penalties for ending your life before your lease is up. Or so I hear the God-people say. dan@eg0.org
from envyinsanity :
I'm not dead unfortunately, though I have been rather absent. If you're interested, I moved my blog first to: http://www.o-0.net Then decided to just start a new one all together: http://envyinsanity.blogspot.com
from tathagres :
i know that feeling, i remember.. but i also remember how you gave kisses to bill for me, and gave me great advice, and always made me smile and i wish i could do that for you dearest Z. Take care.
from katy-bug :
I missed your update, but 20 days later-- I'm reading. And holding out a hand to you. Hoping you'll dance with me on the ringz of Saturn or at least stroll. Take care.
from white-linen :
*hugs* .. is all I can say.. and i'm here if you need.
from itrockgirl :
Hey, stay strong my friend. I think we are in the same boat & let me tell you, it doesn't get any worse than this. I hope that you are keeping hope somewhere deep inside.
from dcalienz :
I know the feeling to be numb and not comfortable. I know the emptiness of lost dreams. My heart reaches to yours and all I can say is that in time all things pass. Not that they are ever as bright, though that if you struggle even the deepest hole can be scaled. Love, Dave
from katy-bug :
Just stopping by to say hello.
from candoor :
yeah, I am stubborn as a rock, Happy Valentine's Day... somebody's gotta do it :)
from annie-m-s-b :
No words since the New Year.... how are you doing?
from katy-bug :
How are you?
from dcalien :
thank you for your wishes. I wish we could im sometime I left you a message in yahoo my addy is below. I will give you my phone. not here tho. I heart Mike. hugsz
from dcalien :
dcalien2005 at yahoo messenger is da bom way to hook up for me. pleelzl remove the l;s you don;g want in there. crapp I am druugged too much to rewritel
from jnickole :
Fucking A asjgnhjsgdisanh hello.
from katy-bug :
Happy New Year, daddy-z. I hope it's a beautiful one.
from candoor :
may this be the beginning of a much better year (your best yet, even :)
from tathagres :
*BIG HUGZ* i'm around if you need a chat (except for the next few days cause my puter is sick) - even though your far wiser than me. sorry things have been difficult.
from dcalienz :
ok dcalien2005 is my yahoo msgr name. I got it mostly for you.
from pernickety :
Glad to see you're back, I wish you a very Happy New Year, may it be happier, way happier than this year. As we know life is like zebra, after black stripe - there comes the white one. May your zebra have the broadest white stripes. :)
from annie-m-s-b :
I was so sorry to read what happened to you in dcalien's guest book. I can relate to the worst year of life thing, but through the pain and the tears things are getting better with time as I hope they will for you too. I wish you Love and happiness and may lots of magical things happen to you with the New Year. Many Hugs, Annie
from katy-bug :
I missed your entire 2004. May I ask what happened? heart, Katy
from dcalien :
ps I don't have your mail add or I would mail ya.
from dcalien :
ya I have one tho I don't want to post it here. email me at my dcalien dland thing and I will send it to you. I am really sorry to hear the news, and hugs to you. I really do think a lot of you.
from donnaisblue :
feel better, love.
from dcalienz :
my body does poorly, though in my mind I changed planes. I still may have no answers, though my list of worthless questions has no apparent end. I hope this explains how I have been doing. I got nothin but love for ya.
from katy-bug :
where's the love, z?
from katy-bug :
Good timing.
from dcalienz :
itz about time?
from tathagres :
have missed you *hugz* i found a version of comfortably numb that sounds like ti was done by the Beegees and it just made me think of you.. take care
from katy-bug :
i remember my daddy z. if ever, email me kqv05@aol.com. i want to know you're happy.
from candoor :
you, by some quirk of the imagination, are missed... I feel sometimes like someone ought to walk up to me and say, "I understand you've had your head in the sand, is it any wonder why everyone calls you an asshole?" or, from a less severe perspective, "No wonder you're crabby"
from cindie-loo :
this site made me think about you... http://abcdfghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.com/
from elipsis :
if a coin really did land on it's edge, would it just start rolling and never stop, unable to decide exactly which part of its edge is best for landing on? i'm guessing you might know this.... i'm sorry to have missed your departure. i do hope to hear from you again, and i hope you're happy.
from mellanby :
wow. here i am and there you be.






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