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2006-11-24 - 2:20 a.m. referrals and revelations does a sunset bring on tears? do you ever feel you are wise? or are you all fears? do you think that when you think a thought it appears and when you forget it disappears? real or illusion or some sort of confusion is life just the mask it wears? this is an entry of bits and pieces and comments I left or words left for me... these are words I want to save for one reason or another and so I put them into my babbling books because they've become part of this life in black and white behind the candoor... sometimes I remember where the words came from and sometimes I don't... it's often more interesting and possibly more meaningful when I wonder because wondering is the start of all knowledge, a journey called learning...
it would appear that someone died, obviously, and I reflected on my perspective of dying or passing on or leaving this plane of existence as we know it or whatever we call it... I do not think of death often within myself, but I see it around me all the time when I open my eyes and it saddens me to see so many choose it when there are so many other choices available...
seems to be a loss, though not a death, a break-up or betrayal... and there's mathematics involved, did you notice?... so cleverly the analytical portions of the brain slip mathematics into an otherwise emotional experience... I think it soothes us, somehow, to use that more advanced (or is it just more complex, which is a whole other thought stream to explore someday) aspect of our brains when the primal cells fire too sharply... I wonder, as I reflect on the words almost as if I am reading them for the first time, if you see anything of what I see and before I even started this paragraph or any paragraph, what do you see?...
trading the real for the dream, trading the opportunity for the memory, trading the life for the death, this is what I see so many (everyone, perhaps) do all the time... but where do we meet?... and what do we do there? (or better yet, do we ever?)... so much water under the bridge, so many chocolate morsels slipping through the fingers and turning white on convenient store shelves because the temperature constantly changes causing oil migration (am I losing you?)... is really doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, where I belong I'm right, where I belong...
and it really doesn't matter what I say or where because, believe it or not, 99% of what I post on the internet is not even noticed, maybe not even read, definitely not commented upon (so how would I know if it's noticed or read)... and that's not a plea for comments, mind you, for here I ponder the thought in the midst of a multi-entry upload in the middle of the night and what?... one of you, maybe a few, will find time to read through it all?... so what's the point?... wasted time?... the Eagles?... fountain of sorrow?... Jackson Browne?... the late show?... TV zombies?... and I close my eyes and watch my world unfold before me... Linda Ronstadt?... is anybody out there?... REM?... is this logical?... Supertramp?... does anybody care?... Harry Chapin?... is it 4am yet?... Carpenters?... but if I was a carpenter and you were a lady, so what?... let's not let religion influence the time in a bottle... Jim Croche?... or John Denver, even...
and so my dear precious few readers who found these words... no pity, for pity is a waste of time... and I hope you don't miss the point... I don't expect these words to be read... I don't expect anyone to truly understand... I've accessed being alone deep down at my core in this life and while that broke my heart at first, it's the truest reality and therein, the ultimate peace and security and fun... though the illusion of sharing everything remains woven into my psyche as the best dream I ever had outside of my head, the true playground is here, all by myself alone, just me and the words...
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