pant, pant... and so it goes, I am still breathing (if just barely) and I am starting this entry with little or no hope of actually completing and uploading it before I pass out where I sit (but then, what are big green chairs for, after all)... on the other hand, I just might finish and upload this if only to prove what a foolish game expectations can be (rebel child that my subconscious is)... in any case, as the summer time temperatures and humidity roll around, I must take care not to completely ignore instinct what with kidneys and such and physical laws (as I better separate it from lazy ass fear) as I continue to push this body in more time around this time around... I am going to enter the workout stats in the log and return if I am still awake after that entry...

yeah, so ok, my nose is red, or was... pushing to panting, almost heaving breathing is a wonderful feeling once the breath is caught again... and actually, the feeling just as I am wondering if the body will recover before passing out (or dying) is that precarious balance (like great roller coasters and other thrill rides) that makes this life worthwhile for me... so I am back from that exercise log entry and only nodded off a few times for a few moments (I think) and it's still morning (10:19am) and I oughta take a shower and drink some water as I am drenched with perspiration, but the body is so nearly dead that sitting here pushing the key on the laptop is all the effort I can muster (as I am backspacing every fifth letter due to limited range of motion due to fatigue... good fatigue, yes it is...

and I pause a moment to stare at the box that is sitting on the couch just five feet out of reach... I stopped at my PO Box and found lots of mail and a key (it's always exciting to get a key) and this wasn't a small parcel box key., it was a large parcel box key (which is the next best thing to a counter slip that signifies a too-big-for-the-boxes box... ah, sweet memories, such boxes were part of my wonderful snail-mail world way back when I was publishing Paper Fantasies and The Writer's Exchange from the comfort and luxury of my home study/library/office)... alas, alack, pardon me whilest I release a whistful sigh...

while Michael Crawford sings Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again... ah, Phantom... ah, Andrew Lloyd Webber... ah, so many classic shows come to mind as I remember the songs (and not just shows {Seasons of The Heart leaps from the silent soundtrack... oh the blatent human cruelty of stealing the musical soundstrack of a lifetime, but mourn the inhumanity another time) I long to share again, to sing again, to live again...

where were we?... as you might have guessed from yesterday's entry I pushed (without trying, without chemicals) the body to stay awake almost the whole twenty-four hour cycle without accomplishing much... in fact, I spent most of the time after the morning run right here in the big green chair, studying baseball and basketball statistics, reading some favorite diaries, talking to my roommies, and occasionally distracted by the TV (I'm losing track of how many times What A Girl Wants (cute in a quasi-Cinderella vein, the first time) has played around here... oh yeah, and that Kirk Cameron flick which is little more than prostelethizing disguised as as a bad B movie... some testify endlessly, some crash planes into buildings, I'll go my own way...

I just wish somebody else was going my way too...

note the playfully irreverent grin, please, for if my begging for attention, if my whiney pathetic literary neediness is taken too seriously you will definitely get the wrong impression of who I am in real life (I'll tell you when I get there, tongue firmly planted in cheek)... you know, it was Tim Rice who said it best just before one of the most profoundly irony songs ever in a Broadway musical (re: JCS... or at least one of the best lines ever about the secret to overcoming one of the greatest fears and obstacles taught by humanity), to conquer death you only have to die... let go of the fear of death (if you dare) and then take a look around... a whole new world takes on a whole new meaning...

the infinished journal... could that be one of the primary cornerstone bricks in the wall of fear I have build around myself in the last few years?... even more than the supposed walls around the heart that I claim to have built (so why do people who care enough to take the time to read enough and come close enough tell me they are not there?... the what happened to the emperor's clothes, anyway?... such a silly boy)...

I could, without much effort, push through the post workout fatigue and rejuvenate and charge myself up for another day of fun and games if there were fun and games to share, but others who have days off are not part of this life around here these days and I do not feel like wandering around out in the world in a sleep-deprived stupor all by myself... it helps to have somebody there to nudge you awake while waiting for the light to turn green, ya know?...

and I wonder why I have this much energy... what seemingly infinite well do I tap into... how is my brain wired to continue producing the right chemicals to sustain conscious awareness (albeit at a somewhat diminished state, but still at least a standard deviation or few above the mean) and ready to bounce off the walls energy levels even at my advanced state of sleep deprivation (not to mention being out of shape by my standards and being in an old man body, but we'll not focus on the half empty perspective for now, ok?)... I believe it is something any human can do... mind over matter... desire over physical norms... as much as I want to be loved and nurtured and accepted and welcomed and wanted and to feel like I belong somewhere, I am stubbornly clinging to who I am and that leaves me out of most human games... candoor the red nosed human takes on a whole new meaning with this thought...

I wonder if I've ever had a professional massage... I don't recall and by luck or chance or whatever (surely not by deliberate choice) I have never been with anyone who had the expertise (or hand/arm strength) to manipulate bone and muscle to the point where it would be an actual massage... I've never been to a chiropractor, either... one of the people I hung with in elementary school is one, though I am not sure where he is at the moment... I have heard from a couple of the other members of that elementary school crowd in recent years... that would not be Steve (web music business and B&B on Barbados) who was part of the middle school (or Junior High School, as it was called in NYC) crowd... one of these days I hope to find the file of the story of this life and the chronological timeline of my experiences that I wrote a long time ago (and last updated many ten years ago) so I can updated it and share it again... I always seemed to have a group of six to twelve core friends, with one or two of them being best friends and a few dozen more come-to-the-party friends all through most of my school years... kids are a lot more tolerant and accepting of non-conformity and divergence... I miss that...

and now I am slightly hungry... it might be best for dropping the extra weight for me to just lay down and sleep, but then, it might be best for the muscle re-building to give the digestive system some fresh food... or at least take a vitamin... I stopped taking vitamins last month when I passed the kidney stone... I used to take at least some B-complex and C every day and usually took a multi-vitamin/mineral tablet each day as well... mostly cuz I drink so much water that I flush water-soluable vitamins right out of my system very quickly... I am wondering if, by not taking viatamins at the moment, I am forcing the body to digest more of the stored fat in order to find the right components to build stuff the body requires to survive and if taking daily vitamins allows the body to get lazy about those bio-chemical processes... after all, if one takes an antihistamine too often, they will need the drug just to feel normal while breathing... and there are probably better examples, but hopefully you get the drift of my meaning...

I think I'll stand up now and get some water and open the box... and the mail... yes, a very good idea... first I will tackle the enormous task of lifting the laptop off of my lap... and I'll upload this entry... and I'll wish you a wonderful day...

wonderful day, everyone...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)