how do I know you are here if you are there and do not tell me somehow?...

so I wonder what you came here for... and when...

today, while I write this, the feeling of disillusionment with people is strong, even as I prepare to go to a birthday celebration tonight where I will give the first gift I have purchased rather spontaneously for someone else in quite some time and eat, drink, and be merry (handy preparation for the wedding {and I really must shop for something to wear} I am to attend next week... how many karma points are earned or erased for giving a bride away?)... but deeper down calls the wild...

nobody knows the troubles I've seen...

old songs ramble through my brain bringing shivers to my body even as I make my way through the physical life and in many ways I enjoy the heck out of both... the thrill of a roller coaster is in never knowing if it will be your last trip, ever...

is there someone you know, you're loving them so, but taking it all for granted?...

how can I be sure?

oh sure, give them all separate lines so they stand out and beg for identification, recognition, corrolation, and decision... or is that vindication of the incision?... the first cut is the deepest, after all... now that's better... just ramble on and leave the driving to us...

so let's see... I worked, of course, these last two nights... I slept some, but not nearly enough... yesterday I remembered a thread that led me back to a place I'd long thought forgotten, a peaceful forgiving accepting security of self that is actually home (and I have been homeless so long), but I didn't stay long because I am in a wandering time of this life and there's no point in wandering at home (unless you are rediscovering stuff long buried out of reach in storage or somewhere else, but such miracles are not happening today)...

I wrote a bit more, as usual, but that is somewhere else and then spent some time trying to get the AV program to work (as it stopped rather suddenly and consumed hours) and I sent off an email to their support to explain their previous emails did not fix the problem and probably occupied myself with some reading on or off web that I passed into random memory as distraction was the order of the day and has been for a week or morem but that's another horse we'll ride at another time... I ran out of gas just as I was getting to work and coasted the last quarter or half mile (the turns were interesting) into a parking space and Sally was kind enough to stop by with a gas can full of gas before going to work so I was less inconvenienced than he was, actually (what are friends for?) and then I finally had the oil changed this morning as I shopped for the birthday gifts and some other stuff and then I came to work on the AV program on this laptop again since I fell asleep while the professional version was downloading yesterday... what else to do while a 10MB program downloads at 56K?... did I mention that the tech response was to try to professional version?... not at all the right response for me, as it translates into we won't help you fix the free version, just buy the product, which I accept as maybe fair business practice but not good business as I will not trust a product they can not fix without payment... so I'll try their professional version for 30 days and then probably buy Norton or McAfee as I have probably forgotten not being satisfied with their products since I have not used them in years...

believe me now or find out later, you don't really want to know how my mind works...

kudos to Microsoft support (yes, it is shocking for me to write it too) for their Windows Update product... several times in the past two months I have written to them with a question or problem and a personable response (with a name and email address and even the work schedule of the tech responding) was addressed directly to me by name and to the specific problem, but the best thing was that even after I sent a thank you, all is fine now, and no need to respond again the tech sent a very nice (and not short) thank you back with a reassurance that free tech support for Windows Update is always available... I did not ask which part of hell I sold my soul to (and I hear the tech laughing too) or how much privacy I gave away in order to receive such prompt, courteous, and helpful service (sincerely yours), but I'll enjoy the apparent miracle for as long as it lasts...

for better or worse, it's kind of like the phone company was (and probably still is)... so seriously, are you going to not use the phone?...

so today I installed the professional version and at first it fixed nothing and crashed the laptop (which may be at fault in the end for the program advises a minimum of 64MB RAM and recommends 128MB RAM and this old laptop has 32MB RAM, but the tech support person ignored my suggestion that this might be a problem and went right ahead and suggested the bigger more powerful (and more memory demanding) professional version anyway... notice anything wrong with that picture?... anyway, it finally started working, I think, for now... whether it'll crash at some future date due to not enough memory or just an ordinary bug in the program, we shall see... there was not response to my mention of the possibility that other software like Spybot or AdAware (both installed and used on this laptop) might be incompatible, but then, when techies are sales people in disguise, what can we expect... maybe that's how they do it in Romania (or... the worse of capitalism spreads the farthest the fastest)...

and then came fantasy sports wherein Rasputin and I put our heads together at our respective computers and hammered out a game plan and prognosticated our picks and line-ups for the weekend... many moves (transactions, adding and dropping players, or whatever we'd call it) were made and I am hurtling towards victory... in my dreams (it is fantasy sports, after all)... actually, I am in first place the two leagues where we go head to head... our joint team dropped from fourth to fifth (by fractions of points) this week after our worst showing of the season... and in the league with Sam I am dying slowly, somewhere at the bottom of the pile (directly behind Sam, for what that's worth), hoping for a turn around... and in the league I joined all by myself I am dead last due to a cachophony of bad breaks (McNabb, Collins, Garcia, Gannon, Peerless, Horn, Ricky Williams, Culpepper, Shockey, Vreble, and the list goes on... if any of these names ring bells, you understand why my draft looked great but my teams do not)...

meanwhile the college deal seemed to erase the past week (where I did great) and hopefully they'll fix that before Saturday... and over in the basketball leagues, I was too late to set up another live draft, so I am consider setting up an autodraft league if anyone is interesting in playing fantasy basketball (yes, I know I mention it kind of late every year... so remember for next year or hustle and get in now... leave me a note if you want more info)...

and then I came to my diaries and scribbled some words here and there (at least in the first few) and here we are... all caught up and nowhere to go... but then, I'll keep wanting to believe that no place is too far away, not even the abyss, and continue rambling on and all...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)