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2004-06-28 - 3:59 p.m. the entry pushes through... what in the world is going on out there?... I mean out in DLand, right here out there... I mean, first the servers go nuts and won't let people upload (I know I'm not the only one, I've been looking around, but I haven't acknowledged that cuz then all my grand paranoid conspiracy theories might wash away and what good is life or a public diary without some conspiracy theories?) and now I'm noticing there is almost nobody visiting me here... at least the counter isn't recording much in the way of visits lately... so you all must be away... or I must be feeling lonely and sorry for myself... that would be a much better assumption than thinking I've bored all of you to death, because I really do not want any of you to die... I don't want to be that boring either... I know I write in my own head for my audience of one (that one being anybody who might be me, the one, or a true friend... but then, that might be three... or more, if I am lucky... after all I see myself as me, myself, and I most of the time, not just as myself... but I may be digressing so nevermind), but I do hope to be worth your time too... I love the attention you provide... I love the idea that we might be friends... that you might care... I care, so I feel lonely and rejected when I am left alone too long... ironically, offline I am not usually pathetically vulnerable, but I am always vulnerable... cuz I want to share so much... I am a prisoner of my desires... or a victim... and then again, I am blessed by my desires when they are fulfilled... when sharing happens... so it's worth the risk and the lonely times between the sharing for a moment of sharing is better than a lifetime of loneliness... and yet I am the most secure and independent person I've ever met... and then there are those weird and errie moments of syncronicity that would blow my mind if I actually had one... I refer to the absolutely amazingly timed note from this dear wonderful precious person who seemed to read my mind yesterday and read this entry (at least the last two paragraphs) before I updated it, in fact, before I even finished writing the rest of this entry... yes, you are wonderful, my dear (and I just created a xanga site just to be able to leave a comment to say thanks... xanga is interesting and now that I have an account there, one of these days I may just find time to check it out)... so are the rest of you who leave notes and any other form of communication (even if you did not read my mind this time)... and following this ever so precious inspiration that shoves this beginning into higher gear, comes the entry... and the believe that there will be another of equal or greater amazement that I am still here and you are still there and the world still worlds around... ultimately, I love it all... the joys, the pains, the bitter, the sweet, the rocking roller coaster of life as an emotional being in this crazy mixed-up world inhabited by the humans... and this DLand world is even crazier and more mixed up than the other world, you know, the one out there offline... the way I see it, offline there are all sorts of clues as to who we are dealing with... age, gender, location are meaningless stats (and still so many judge instatly based on them)... religion, politics, social status, economic prowess, physical strength, health, body size or shape, race, ethnicity, culture, all the standards by which most people judge each other in the flesh offline, so often at first sight, are gone here... here in words, we're all so equal... well, potentially, at least... maybe that is why I stay away from getting deeper into sharing in personal emails (or on the phone) even more than the excuse of the ages, the scars and fears that have piled up due to betrayals and all that stuff I've dug up in recent entries and here and there... the past is the past and as real as ever and definitely leaves me vulnerable and wasted more often than I'd like... it feeds doubts I never thought I'd ever take seriously... and yet I realize that there is a part of me ready, willing, and able to fly again, to fall again, to breath the sweet fresh air of love again... and so I dream and I mourne and yet in the physical world I await the one with whom the tears will mean something more than even catharsis, the one with whom the tears will bring rainbows of bonding and peace and laughter and wonder and rebirth and here in the written world I am the moment of the words... the meaning of the words... the freedom of the words... the equal to all who dare to write from the center of their heart and soul... and then we might get closer, risking becoming real, risking undoing the magic of literary connections, risking the differences... you may be a lot older, a lot younger, a lot blacker, a lot whiter, a lot fatter, a lot thinner, a lot healthier, a lot less healthy... what if we fell in love with each other in words and we turned out completely incompatible in person, would we want to know that and risk losing the magical inspirations we find in each other's words?... or could we overcome the prejudices of our society?... could the stereotypes be someone else's problem and not ours?... can we keep the gifts we find in each other as we read while facing the rejection of the fantasies we might have had bubbling up just under the surface, the dreams we might have found a true friend or someone even closer, if that is really possible?... or does the illusion of our bonding words dissolve or fade away when we share the facts of life in the physical world?... sadly, so often the illusion fades... so let us take care when we reach out, when we email, when we call... let us put expectations aside and welcome each other with open arms as much as we can... let us realize that minds know the freedom that bodies in space do not... let us actualize the timeless bond that similar ideas and feelings forge and not let superficial material or physical differences come between the understandings and caring that can be... let us not isolate ourselves from kinship, separate ourselves from kindred spirits, burn bridges that can bring comfort and acceptance and the wonder of honest love just because the world taught us rules that divide... oh, if we'd only just all believe in each other... whatever your religion, your politics, your social class, your bank account, your gender, your age, your sexuality, your ethnicity, your cultural background, your body shape, your hair color, your whatevers... it is the dreams that matter... the fears and secrets and desires that form the most meaningful and lasting bridges... it is the heart that defines us... the passions and favorites and magic that attracts us without need for reason or the world's approval... it is the mind that connects... the thoughts and feelings and perspectives that bring a sense of understanding and belonging... it is the soul that is true and brings us together beyond this moment, this life, this world, this space, this time... the spirit and passion and hope that only faith can express and nothing can explain... can you feel it... if you understand, then nothing else matters... but still with each attempt at bonding in the real world, with each step beyond these words into sharing the flesh and blood world, we roll the dice that we can overcome cultural indoctrination and transcend the momentary rules and morees of this life... and if we buy into can't, then we risk losing the magic we believed in, the dreams we dared, the passions we felt in reading, the hope for connections and wish for trust, for love, for sharing caring with a true friend... so even when the server is not welcoming, even when the notes are slow in coming, even when the doubts and fears rise up from my stupid past mistakes and poor luck and worse judgments, I do my best to believe in love and the freedom and equality we have here in words... and not to believe in can't... how about you? (bless you for being here)
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