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last---past---next---now



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PO BOX 780398
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send me some music
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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2006-08-23 - 1:43 a.m.

priceless


yes, again, the dates are off cuz I am behind the times, but nevertheless, here's an entry for your pleasure...

this entry is the expanded version of this RealTime entry (just in case you wish to see a bit of the method to my babbling madness)...

Running Shoes: $200

Chronometer: $40

Dumbbells: $50

Motivation to get back into shape: Priceless

oh, and let's not leave out Concert Tickets: $125

yes, I finally went and did it, or done it, to use a vernacular... I broke down a bought running shoes... two pair, mind you, though still at $75 and $125 respectively, more expensive than the $10 and $20 sneakers I've been buying and wearing for the past ten years or so... and a new chronometer and dumbbells... maybe that's the motivation I've been needing... and maybe not... and now, I ponder further, deeper, longer, harder, and no, this is not a porn entry, but feel free to lust and find perverse humor in it anyway if that turns you on...

this morning I put entries in the RealTime blog and over at myspace and then it was out the door to pick up Dreamer (Precious's best friend who has at least two names in my babbles because I forgot I gave her a name at least twice and named her again but I don't remember all the names I gave her and a search just now brought up the names Heidi Dreamer, so that is how she will be known from now on cuz... she reminds me of the first girl I French kissed {shall we read more into that?... only if you want to for fun and not for moral condemnation, m'ok?} and the song Beautiful Dreamer comes to mind {and the same response applies for those of you who enjoy reading into things like I do, but we'll leave that for another time as I'm babbling off track far enough for now} and besides, she's adorable and so was the Heidi I knew once upon a time) at her job at Target...

while there I bought more blank CDs (with the $8 for 50 CDs rain checks we got the last time we were there... we still have 8 more at that price on rain checks to get, but they only had four) and blank VCR tapes so we can tape Dead Like Me cuz it's on at the same time as House and we like both shows (somewhere in my rambles I must have mentioned that Ellen Murth is yet another of my many inspirations... again, feel free to take apart my psyche to explore why, or tease me for being a pervert if ageism is your bag, or explain why Einstein did not factor imagination into his equation, or understand me and earn your certificate of madness from the University Behind the Candoor (Psych Department is at the Behind the Candoor College of Mind Games and other Head Trips that will be breaking ground any day after I win the lottery or get adopted by a really rich patron of the arts or other benefactor)...

and then it was over to Park Ave CDs to pick up tickets for two concerts and then driving out to the House of Blues to pick up tickets to three concerts (I think that makes seven or eight concerts in September, October, and November now)... and Precious was spoiled a bit more and Dreamer was given her birthday present in the form of concert tickets... all of the scheduled concerts (along with details about what I do in the offline world with the 168 hours that occur in each week) are listed in the latest myspace blog entry and (along with more babble) here behind the candoor, if you're interested...

and music was his life
it was not his livelihood

thank you Harry... after dropping the girls off at Dreamer's car at the Target so they could go pick up Spock (Precious's double-ex boyfriend, possibly soon to be triple-x if this year turns out like the previous two years did with Precious seducing him, him giving in, them being in love for a while, and at a crucial moment, him needing space and switching to the let's be friends mode... Precious hates roller coasters in the physical world, but loves them emotionally... like me, though I love the physical world roller coasters too) who agreed to accompany them to dinner and clothes shopping at Dreamer's request (though I'd wager that Precious talked Dreamer into it because our dear Precious still gets tongue tied trying to talk to Spock... tune in next time for another episode of Precious Dreams...

hey, we all have our fantasies and more power to her for following through on hers... ah, if I was only a teenager again... so I left the girls and started for home... I called Rasputin and found him waiting queue at Longhorn so I met him there for dinner and it's as if the universe is playing tug of war with my psyche as the Vegan in me is peaking out and poking me with a pointed stick (like did I have to find that decades old video of food animals being abused as a normal course of processing our meat foods?... some of you may recall the video... you can find it here (along with many comments and some debate) and while there, check out theblog writer's music cuz she's got an amazing voice and though quite full of angst and depression, has a powerful and beautiful message (and yes, I listened and ordered her CDs... you can also get her music at iTunes)...

talk about being torn... talk about being in denial... talk about madness...

love can save...

yeah, so anyway, after dinner and the ritual sacrifice, we went to Sports Authority where I bought the running shoes (hopefully not leather, right) and pool shoes (could I be actually adding swimming regularly to my workouts?... there's always hope... if I ever move out of Florida to a more temperate climate again I will not only be calling myself an idiot for moving back to where it gets cold, but for not swimming every day when I did live in Florida... come on, where's the friend in the real world real time I am looking for?... I'm tired of being the only one in my physical space who razzes me the way I do... and now you dear readers and just tell me to quit whining and get on with this extended entry)...

aherm...

then we went to the killers of innocent children, Wal-Mart (ok, so maybe I exaggerate and maybe I am just being irreverent for the hell of it, but couldn't corporations who bring in more money in a year than many small countries and people who take home enough money each year to make a few hundred thousand people millionaires realize that they could almost single handedly improve the human race and advance evolutionary enlightenment by sharing the wealth?... of course I am a dreamer, but I'm not the only one, right?) for the dumbbells and chronometer (and we saw an elliptical lifecycle for $250 that I almost bought and still might, but I question the durability of one at that price when at Sports Authority they are more like $750 as recommended by my wonderful doctor at my last physical just yesterday) and a few other things (Raspy had to get his and her Pepsi, of course... and ice cream)...

and then, many hundreds of dollars later, home...

thinking back, I've probably bought a few dozen chronometers and a dozen sets of dumbbells along the way in this life... some where stolen, some where left behind when I moved places... I have a lot in storage up north, but the batteries are dead by now in the chronometers... and I realize that by staying in one place (and not trusting people as much as I have), I'd probably have saved tens of thousands of dollars as I'd have a whole lot of stuff I would not have to replace over and over... would have been the start of a nice retirement fund...

when I think of retirement funds, I envy those who set down roots, bought a house (and kept it) while they were young... just as, when I think of how much I love kids and want family, I envy those who married and created families when they were young even more... by now my house would have been paid off and I'd have an easy work-free retirement in site... instead, materially, I'm back where I was when I first started out in life on my own...

but on the other hand, I sure have had fun along the way and hopefully all the people who benefited by my not keeping the stuff or money I've earned in this life are better for what was added to their lives... I know I am better for the few people who've given me what they had along the way...

still, I am avoiding the more serious implications about just what I bought today... it may be the most foolish purchase I've ever made, being that I am much less a runner than I've ever been and more comfortable on a stationary lifecycle than running (but that might be laziness winning the battle of the bulge), but the thing I told myself I should do for the past many years is finally done... I have a real pair of running shoes... two, actually... and we shall see if I make one last stab at taking running seriously in this life or if I have some expensive souvenirs...

that priceless item, motivation... inspiration... incentive... that is what I hope to find in the shoes, in the expense... some sort of commitment... I know it must come from inside, ultimately... I also know I've been waiting for it to come in the form of another person... hey, I never claimed to be actualizing logic... knowing is not doing... and knowing does not change what I want... that is what makes me human, perhaps, so I confess, I am human... I finally accept being a stupid illogical human...

and on the there's always hope theme that runs through every thought stream I've ever known in my mind, even when the streams were rain water in the gutters of the streets (or bus stations) where I lived for a while in the dark days at the end of the previous millennium, I present to you the part of my mind where the sun always shines kind of like the final scene from Who Killed Roger Rabbit? or perhaps something like What Dreams May Come or the "there you are" scene from Hook or any number of other amazing stories that come to mind (and not all directed or produced by Steven Spielberg, either)...

here's the bag and there goes the cat...

could the secret weapon in my chess match with my psyche be the music?... see (don't tell my lazy pathetic self-destructive subconscious), money is not any real motivator for me... I can, in my resourcefully irreverent conscious mind, avoid and laugh off any logic or authority or concerned urging (though your concerns and your cheers are much appreciated, please know that)... but what usually almost always works (besides drugs and sex) is rock and roll... seriously, put me in a physical situation in a social environment with music playing and I feel the body I am in much more and I become much more physically aware of the space I fill and the level of comfort (or discomfort) I feel in this body and a crowded concert is precisely the sort of situation that potentially wakes me up physically...

of course I could be wrong (but there is always hope I'm not)...






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