I wrote this just now, which would be after the previous entry by exactly 10 hours by the standard clocks and calendars of this world, after napping a few hours and after spending about four hours wandering around Barne's & Noble with (and stepping over) a whole lot of people of all ages who gathered to celebrate the release of the sixth Harry Potter book...

at least I think it's the sixth...

Precious told me that the identity of the Half-Blood Prince, the title character, is revealed in the first paragraph, maybe... no, actually she said the first chapter, but then, about two hundred pages (and a few hours) later she said maybe not...

I told her to shut up... both times...

we laughed, but seriously I do not want to know anything until I read it for myself... even the title is more than I want to know... that is how I prefer to experience stories, with as few expectations and as little pre-told knowledge as possible...

anyway, what I meant by the this in the first paragraph, that is, what I just wrote (giving you RealTime� coordinates), is going to follow in a moment... it is a letter, a personal letter to z0tl, who as some of you may remember, used to write a couple of entries a day (entries and style that inspired the funda, who sleep now, perhaps with the fishes, but at least quite deeply, of course) for almost a few years until this past year when, as his last eight or so entries to this moment show, he died in most every way except the walking around and breathing part, about how I cope with life (and thoughts of giving it all up for oblivion, or whatever might next) when life does not appear to want to cope with me anymore... apparently mudgirl bitch slapped him and stimulated enough neurons to get some words out from his cerebral cortex through his fingers and as usual, he is brutally honest and thought-provoking, in spite of being even more depressing, for the moment at least, than Marvin, the Hitchhiker's Guide robot...

so a shout out (with applause) to both of them for kicking death in the teeth once more and dancing, rather well in my mind (but then, in my mind, I've been mostly dead myself and lost so many brain cells, so what do I know), to the haunting and often cathartic sounds of smoke that is Evanesense...

and now, without further ado (or adon't), the email...

immediacy

however it is spelled... that is what I miss most...

I think...

I wish I could help, but we know the answer there...

all I can offer are my thoughts on your words and my experience... working in a helping job ("mental health tech", mostly a babysitter and sounding board on a psych unit for abused teenage girls) is how I keep myself feeling and focused on feeling like I matter in this life... the feeling of seeing someone respond to my caring about them, because I do care about them, is rejuvenating for me... the girls' drama is very distracting so I can forget I have no life and minimal desire to trust another person...

it's [helping professions in general] emotionally draining sometimes and balance must be maintained (I keep it by remembering {training myself over the years} that their problems are their problems, not my problems, and whatever they say or do, they do not really mean to personally hurt me, no matter how much they really do try... that challenge keeps my mind occupied and off my problems)...

I still do dream of trusting someone again... but I don't know if I am moving farther away from actually wanting to try in the physical reality or closer to wanting to try... that is how far from actualization of intimacy (trust in the physical world) I am these days... like is a star seventy gazillion light years from Earth moving towards or away from Earth, or something like that...

even my analogies aren't as clear to me as they used to me [be] (at least I have something inside that laughs at myself about that [and mocks my typos]... madness or real confidence that I can and will handle anything and eventually come back to be on top of the world, or at least on top of my own)...

a year is a long time... especially when it is looked back upon moment by moment... and yet, it is a hundred (or maybe a seventieth) of a lifetime... twenty years is a long time, again, especially when looking back... and yet a quarter of a lifetime... or a third of an 'adult' lifetime...

sometimes I think the numbers game is bullshit, but I try my best to remember that I have more time ahead than I do behind me and if I created a wonderful life during the first half of this lifetime, I have a decent enough chance to create it in the second half... my numbers are running out, alas, and it is less probable with each passing year...

yet I look back and think about the time I fell in love and built and good life... it took a moment to fall, just one moment... it took a few years to built a good life after finishing school (and I did that [finish school] already, so I don't have to count school years unless I want to go to school to stimulate my mind or get another degree to explore a whole new world of knowledge or change professional lives)...

so [just the facts, max] in just a moment I could feel the amazing miracle of love, when I least expect it, even if I do not actually want to fall again... and in a few years, or just a year, I could build a life with that new person because she inspires me to want to believe in myself and love and life again... it is possible, even though I might try to reject it...

so at my lowest, my logical brain realizes that this possibility still exists and statistical probabilities are not nearly as bad as they feel and so I just look for things to do that give me some sort of escape from my inner crap (or even something that gives me some sort of good rush... heck, working a carnival or theme park and riding roller coasters every day might be enough for me if I have more savings left or didn't mind living on $6 an hour)... and I sit in stasis, sleepwriting, so to speak, just cuz there's something to do each day that helps me escape and sometimes inspires a smile and that possibility (that I almost forget about consiously) still exists...

did I just analize how I survive?...

I will pretend I didn't and just move on with life and the process (loosely called the method to my madness) now... ultimately, writing is the great escape... music the great helper... even when I am mostly dead and do not hear the sounds, the words flow and prove I am still breathing...

and keeps my mind moving on to the next distraction...

thanks for responding, keep in touch as long as you're there...

I hope you find a satisfactory balance and compromise that works for you... playing the waiting game is a waste of a life, maybe, or maybe it's just dues that must be paid in the hardest currency of all, time...

share, care, be well, be aware... till tomorrow,
honest love, ric
http://candoor.net
407-325-1482

yeah, so I cheat and slip this entry in based mostly on the personal email I just wrote because I skipped a day and we all know how anal I can be about posting an entry for each date on the calendar even when they are grossly out of order... and we all know how grossly out of order I can be, except for the vast majority of you who have no idea who I am or what I am talking about most of the time, but you're forgiven because ignorance is bliss, or so they say, whomever they might be, and there's no charge for the ignorance I provide...

you're welcome...

maybe there's another more noble reason for this cheating, like maybe some worth in the thoughts about survival inspired by my far away internet world friend that you, one or another or some of you, might benefit from... or find worth in... or maybe my ego just liked a few of the thoughts and phrases, especially the last one about the waiting game and the analogy (or is that a metaphor, simile?... heck, English is just my first language so I can close my first i and smile) about hard currency, enough to want you all to see how clever my genius brain can be... delusions help me make it through the night as well, ya know?...

I shall hopefully read some Harry Potter today, as Precious sleeps, and copy more CDs and eat something decadent (I mean healthy, really, I mean healthy... intentions, and look at the interesting ceiling) and maybe even do something fun and find time to write so we can have an entry later for this actual date... being real in RealTime� and all...

hopefully you are finding your way through the maze of this life and finding some way to enjoy the emotional roller coaster, even when it's broken down, or when you have to find some way to turn it off for a while... and if you are down, troubled, or even mostly dead, may you find your own way to survive until you find your way back life, to waking up inside, and to sharing the wonderful being you are (and you are, believe it or not, you are)...

yes, all of you...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)