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2004-04-11 - 10:44 p.m. partial entry #167 (being excerpts from an unfinished letter to a friend) sometimes when I grin, the grin is the semi-satisfied "Charlie Brown" kind of grin, a grin in which I always saw a sense of acceptance of self, satisfaction with having made an effort, and frustration with not having lived up to hopes, dreams, or expectations... it's good, overall... it has been a long time since anyone has been interested in truly being a friend, not a social aquaintence, not a pen pal, not a correspondent, not a lover, not a fun-buddy, not an activity partner, not a friend-when-time-permits, not a friend-when-something-is-needed, but a true friend who really cares and works (and it can be work) to get to know me intimately, personally, deeply, and meaningfully... I have considered the idea that my definition of the word friend is too intense and too different from the dictionary definition for anyone to meet, even halfway... I have considered that people just do not have the time to devote to the process of being a true friend... I have considered that I am too demanding, that truth and completely open honesty is too much to ask of human beings... I walk with tender trepidation toward you because you appear to want to be a friend, to care, to know... for me to believe this is truly true, for me to let it happen, I must put aside the past failures, betrayals, rejections, abandonments, and crap I've known (and dished out myself) in the quest for a true friend... I must reawaken the child inside not to be amused by my parlor tricks and my gift of rhymes, but to believe in someone else again... that is scary... so I delay... I use the fact that there is so little time for my own inner rebuilding and introspection and creative muses and self to put off exploring anyone else in any depth... so I become the shallow pretentious well-meaning but empty shell that I have found others to be... stupid, wrong for me, thank you for calling me on it... ...
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