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2003-11-12 - 7:17 p.m. out of touch I am officially out of touch... last week I put in a transfer request at work, not really expecting to be considered for the position because the power structure of the place is built upon very brown noses and I question and challenge authority way too much for their liking, but I decided to see what would happen... nothing happened... at least I thought nothing happened... no phone messages... no messages at work... ummmm, dead phone?... yes, the manager doing the interviews left two messages on my cell phone and gave me a couple of interview times... that would be for this morning and for yesterday morning... will tomorrow morning be too late?... we shall see... sometimes I am just way too self-destructive and I do it in such a subliminally unconscious way (is that passive aggressive?)... apathy sucks when you want to care a little... who would have thought I'd even get a call... meanwhile, I knew I had a message on the cell phone yesterday and forgot to check it when I got off work (and the cell phone does not work at work)... some time in the middle of my shift I told myself I should stop into the manager's office after my shift and I forgot to stop by the manager's office after my shift this morning... so buried on the night shift am I... so now I will just have to wonder until the morning... and if I do not get the position, I will wonder if the call for the interview was just a formality... perhaps my name is not as muddy with the management as it was before I disappeared on to the night shift... or perhaps the manager in question would have given me a fair shot at it... time to grumble?... maybe... this obviously demonstrates way too effectively my ambivalence about re-entering the day shift professional world... and how out of the loop the night shift is... I was at work the last three nights, but no messages in my mailbox... signs of formality and forgone conclusion... ultimately the position would be more of a life style change than any real monetary change... it is a salaried position as opposed to hourly... in fact, unless they would allow me to continue working overtime now and then (and they rarely do), the position is probably a cut in salary (unless they were/are ready to pay me more than the usual rate for the job)... hmmmm... nine to five, dress for success, kiss-ass paranoid cut-throat administration dominated by petty power trips and an acute lack of professionalism, horribly ineffective child-family welfare system filled with incompetence, indifference, and insincerity... or dress casual, shave-if-you-want-to, no pressure, no supervision, no hassle autonomy (not to mention fun people, card games, and time to read, write, and mostly do as I please)... obviously I do not really want to move back into a suit and tie office job when it is not going to pay me more than I make in my comfortable niche at night... on the personal side... I've gotten so used to my phone not ringing that I have learned to ignore it without even realizing I ignore it... so buried in sleeping during the day and expecting no one to reach out to me (or to reach me) am I... is this a warning sign of a depressive phase (or a sign that I have already slipped into one?... time to ask who cares?... waa waa waa... I mean, right here and now in the physical world... oh no, the answer to that is way too depressing... loneliness influences me way too much these days... pathetic, no doubt)... I'll let you know if I am happy or grumbling about this tomorrow... happy grumbling?... probably...
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