there are moments when I run out of patience, when I feel exhasperation with the self-destructive choices that many, if not most people make... when will people realize that their worth is their choice, a decision each one of us make... I am worthwhile, I am worthless, these are my choices...

and it is that simple, even if it appears much more complicated on the surface... and that is the problem, that most people live on the surface and forget the power they have in their own minds...

but oh does that power get used and abused... but why choose to use the power of choice, decision, judgment, and will to put yourself or anyone else down... why choose the negative when the positive is available?...

sometimes I write about things for the shock value, to push buttons in the hope that it will force a response from those who might ordinarily note respond... I want interaction, but more, I want to do everything I can to inspire opening of minds and overcoming of unecessary fears... I think the worst thing we can do with this life is waste it by hiding or repressing our true selves, our honesty, our feelings, our dreams... I think that most, if not all of the problems in this world are based in the confusions and misunderstandings that come from forcing lies out of some learned embarrassments or discomforts...

I think that security and comfort and peace all comes from being honest and open with ourselves and those around us...

so I look for tests of how open my mind is... I look for challenges to my fears... and just in case you are not sure of just how open your mind is or just how broad your sense of humor is or just how tolerant you are to different perspectives, you can test yourself here (it's not all sophomoric humor for cranks or yanks or T-shirt lovers... though you can also send gifts to your friends {or me, for that matter... or danger, for another matter) to amuse or test them too)...

it's not as if there is a lack of humor out there about anything from religions (serious too) to race to whatever... I mean, maybe we're just computers, after all...

and while we're on the subject (or not?), just what does it say about a person who is turned on by ideas or art or music music music music {dontcha just hate it when a CD skips?} that shock or offend or mock the worst experiences or conditions humanity has known (or can imagine)?...

and then I was thinking about anime and whether there's a pedophilic attraction to the scantilly clad pre-pubescent characters that makes the art so popular (and not just with kids) or whether it's the quality of story line, animation, and the art itself...

and while we're on the subject (or not), just what does it say about a person who is turned on by cartoon depictions of human anatomy? (and actually more importantly for you, what does your response say about you?)...

I read Dancing Naked In the Mind Field by Kary Mullis this past week and there are some different perspectives in that book... it has joined Diet for a Small Planet, Illusions, The Celestine Prophesy, Waiting For Godot... and others (like Heinlein or Dickens or Adams or Gaimen and still others) on my list of books I strongly urge everyone to read when they have time to think and courage to open their minds... some of the ideas in these books I agree with and in others I see logical path to follow... science and medicine and religion are certainly big business, everything is, and there is certainly little or no true altruism left in this world... and god is not just written on the dollar, but for all practical reality for people in their daily lives, god is money...

a tsunami kills perhaps hundreds of thousands of people and the news media discusses how many dollars are sent... debates over dollar amounts are found everywhere... humanitarian aide is compared in dollar amounts to the cost of war... $350 million or a billion dollars a day... apparently it costs more to kill and conquer and convert and convince people you are saving them than it does just to give them what they need to survive and save themselves in their own way...

and in this world even access to information and experience is based on the ability to pay... right here on the web, many websites are inaccessible to those of us who have older computers... and those who have no computers or internet access remain victims of the commercial mass media in their respective areas of the world...

I think this is very sad...

and what do you make of this or this?...

actually, I was a charter member of hell... it was free to get in at the time... I notice that they charge to get in now and I am not sure if I can find my user name and password and if I did, whether charter members are grandfathered in or whether they charge everyone now...

turning everything into a subjective judgment, an arbitrary number, a monetary value, now that would be hell...

I do not know quite what to make of organized religions, of words about gods and higher powers and stories of aliens and ghost and any concepts that are not available to physical touch... I can discuss them, imagine them, experience them on an internal level, but accepting them as the truth or giving them control over the physical world is not a choice I choose to make... I want to live in the moment as well as I am able, to share the physical world and use every sense this body has to experience this life... I want to devote every measure of energy to this purpose, to this sharing...

as I said, I do not seek controversy or debate... I seek attention often, but I do not want negative attention... I do not enjoy arguments... I do challenge myself to remain open to possibilities and often that challenges the status quo... though most of my controversial words, radical intellectual explorations, spiritual confrontations, emotional rants, and empassioned pleas for truth can be found almost anywhere, most of my harshest shock value words can be found behind this disclaimer...

my intention is not to upset anyone... I seek truth... toward that end, I question everything, especially myself... I believe the thing I am most sure of in this life is that I can be wrong... the more right I believe I am, the more wrong I can be... this is why I seldom claim to be right about anything... and actually, I do not believe I have any right to decide what is right or wrong for anyone outside of myself...

but I do want to know... I want to know what is real... I want to know what is true... I want to know everything I can know as well as I can know it while causing and/or creating as little harm (ideally none)... I want to experience an open mind, as completely open as possible... I want to share it with another... and I want to continue expanding my perspective and opening my mind on toward infinity...

I think we all need to choose a reason for being alive...

this is mine...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)