some time during the last month or so I wrote the following entry and I may have uploaded it here or somewhere but be that as it may be, it's here now, again, or not again, the question is moot... I have not been able to get to the RealTime blog to give you a quickie update, so what I've been told about the blogger blogspot site might be true (unreliable)... I may try another if it does this lock out too often...

the surprise is that Google runs the site and I've always felt good vibes about the google company and it's products (even though I use a different search engine as my primary search tool and come to think of it, Google all but destroyed the Usenet when it took over news group archiving from dejanews (I lived on the Usenet once upon a time when it was relatively free of corporate bureaucracy or rules)... and I've probably lost anyone who was not active on the net in the nineties, but my mind wanders where it will go, ya know, and like Harry Chapin said in a different context, hopes you follow...

all those references and not one link, can you imagine the madness bouncing around my mind at the moment?... ah, the mind, that terrible thing to waste... and then there's my mind... badumbum... if you only could be here you'd see things as you never imagined seeing them before... no really, it's that weird in here... not better, no judgments, you're probably cooler and wiser and more sensible and more logical and smarter than me and that doesn't matter to me... what matters is sharing what's inside, the knowing, not the competing or judging...

it's not about the numbers...

and as I thought that thought I was lead (such a subtle sense of humor this trail of random particles I chase around the universe {not to mention the onion} apparently has) to ponder the mathematics of music a bit and the thread through that particular path through my mind lead me to recall a book of Euclidian geometry that used to sit under one leg of the bed that I slept in when I was very young... I was told it (the book, I suppose) was there to keep me level... when I pulled it out to read it, the bed tipped and gave me a new angled view of the world as all the blood rushed to my head and though none of it made any sense, I liked the head rush Euclidean geometry gave me...

years later, feigning academic interest between majoring in beachcombing and minoring in smoke breaks at the local place of higher learning when loosely perusing mathematical relationships, I found myself more intrigued by Asimov's Foundation and the potential results of advanced intuitive mathematics than by the actual number crunching...

and now I enjoy the stories both books told for their essence...

in mathematics, much like in music or life or love or the universe, one does not have to understand everything to appreciate everything...

it was about then that these words about the wonders and follies of being in separate heads got me to thinking (a dangerous pastime I know) about how we are in our minds, I mean, how each of us are in our own minds and nobody else is in there (even if we're more than one ourselves, we're still the only selves in there, but that's a tangential perspective aside the flow here) and the following, well...

I was nodding off, as if that's an excuse or something, while perusing blogs at the onion again and as I just said, these words were resonating in my mind and I woke to find I had written these words:

life is a tangent... I am acutely aware of how unaware we are of what is going on in each others heads and sometimes, when I want to share everything (I believe in that dream, even if logic says I'm nuts) that come with an excruciating feeling of loneliness... at times I've pondered what it would be like to be less aware and even if that was possible without some brain damage, I realize that I am experiencing everything as me and there's no better way for me to be (even if I hear whippoorwills from time to time)... ultimately I realize we are each separate individuals worlds apart in our own heads and accepting that (instead of wishing for or pretending that it could be different) allows me to enjoy myself and everything (and in the moment share more than I could when I was wanting to share more, if that makes any sense outside of my head)...

so some of us like the look of others and we want to share enough to study each other and learn as much as we can and try to find the patterns in personality and behavior (most, I think, do this unconsciously) and become friends or best friends or fall in love and anticipate each other well enough to feel like we are in the other's head...

I love it when that happens...

but it's still all illusion (and the child in my head tells me to shush and stop telling secrets cuz I believe in unconscious connections, even psychic connections, and true love too and it can be real cuz I want it to be real and laughter fills me as I go wandering off in my head on my way to your next entry... yes, a few moments this morning to catch up and here we are :) wherever that is)...

friends are those who choose to play follow the bouncing mind...

and I certainly do bounce, even when I am not babbling out here on the web and I thank the few people in my offline life for putting up with me cuz I know I am quite a challenge (or is that quite a handful, as the old women used to say about me)...

and as if there is actually a plan to all this, the next bit of rambling I read was this to which I thought:

I don't know why grown ups allow it to happen... I mean, I am fully prepared to go squeezing through that drain to follow my fun and giggles if they ever happen to slip down there... so far I've been quite lucky and they've suck to me like glue... maybe that's why I scare so many grown ups away... maybe it's the piss...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)