I know I left you juggling in the middle of flooding this place with entries and if I could tell you how much I appreciate your stopping by, you'd know... I mean, a lot... more than words... it matters so much to me that you stopped by that there are no words to express what it means to be that you stopped by... if my babbling amuses you then the feeling is even better because we share amusement and that is one of the best things we could share and we deserve the best, so I hope you are amused and understand that this attempt to put my feelings for you into words is as sincere as anything I've ever done even though my love of babbling (and the probable defense mechanism it has become) appears to be dominating this attempt to find words that do not exist, but could possibly be put into other words that ultimately come close to expressing how much I appreciate you being here...

thank you...

the following comment is true for many of you, but it was inspired by one of you just moments ago (in RealTime� no less) and I decided to insert this entry that I am writing as the moments pass before my eyes into this now two-part catch up session here in this life in black and white...

wow, you have such wonderful (and well deserved) comments... I love it here more every time I come back to look in your web window... thanks for thinking about what you think about, especially since my brain is on vacation these days... and thanks for consistently coming around, especially since I have a hit and run schedule these days... these are the time when friends hang on and the rest drift away, thank you for hanging on (and giving me one more big reason to keep my fool's grin J )

the words were inspired by one of the few people in the online world we can call the blogosphere who I can actually call friend by virtue of a RealTime� physical world meeting, hanging out, and enjoying each other's company experience is quasar9 (and I hope such identification does not isolate all those of you I love in a cyber-friend way from a distance simply because we have not touched, hugged, or at least broken bread in the RealTime physical world just as I hope this does not increase government or extra-terrestrial scrutiny)... the brilliance (and often the clarity) of ideas in quasar9's mind as expressed in words and images excites and astounds and amuses and invigorates and relaxes me all at once...

and consistency, add consistency and I am blessed to know and have such a person in my RealTime� memory...

and as deeply as I mean these words, I also wish for time someday to hang out with Moo, Serenity, Rosie, Nici, Dandy, Smash, Namaste, Danger, Tim, dotcom, and Clarity (I limit this group to those of you who've commented or emailed already {and I found it, not including myspace}... if any of you reached out and you are not mentioned right here, that's because I do not know you did yet {and myspace will be later} and please feel the love and respect I try to put into words here too)...

it is later... as is so often the case here in casa de candoor, my roommates woke and came out to turn the TV on and an hour just passed between the mood I woke with and the moment I write these words... I was feeling like writing this entry and heading down to the gym and now the feeling is like a faint mist, no substance, just vague blah dominated by casual laziness... that is as well as I can describe this living environment and the physical activities inspired here...

that is no excuse for my vegetation, but I sit in the living room now with the TV on (and distracting me) and nobody watching... I mentioned the gym and expressed a wish to motivate them to come with me... no response (unless there was a moment of amusement in the air that was absorbed by the TV so quickly I could not be absolutely sure)... Rasputin (who woke, came out, turned on the kitchen light, grabbed a Diet Pepsi from the fridge, came into the living room, turned on the TV, and sat down sipping and watching) is in his room... Precious woke, got her Pepsi out of the fridge, asked what was on the TV, and returned to her room... the TV remains on... the kitchen light remains on... the mood to write and go to the gym is gone...

welcome to life in black and white...

in a word: a mess... ok, so that's two words... I supposed it isn't a single mess because we all have our messes... mine just does not include food and mostly empty Pepsi bottles mixes in with it... I've gotten sloppier and sloppier in my living habits, health habits, and everything in the last few years and while roommate influence is no excuse, it does play a factor... my previous roommate and I rarely left a cup on the counter or plate in the sink and while the place was quite comfortable, it was not cluttered and did not look (or smell) in desperate need of a deep cleaning...

this probably belongs in the RealTime� blog, now that there is a RealTime� blog, but returning to life in black and white is not actually planned and the whole point of this babbling place is that there are no rules, no restrictions, and minimal thought given to form, format, content, or anything really except to just let the words fall out of my head as they form from the ether or dust or gray matter or whatever might be found between my ears if an autopsy is done after I die... if aliens have already explored the space under my long mop-like hair, they have not told me enough to make it a conscious memory I can tell you about... so we are left to wonder and continue babbling...

perhaps this entry, had it not been interrupted, might have flowed into some sappy rhyming and tearful catharsis followed by a breakthrough in the wall of laziness that lead me to the gym and a new reawakening (that would have made sense if you know me, the methods to my madness, and the process of the roller coaster life I loosely call mine)... instead, I find a dull numbness forming a thickening fog around my senses (physically and metaphorically) and reluctant acceptance of the living environment and lack of activity and movement it contains and inspires...

the Fudge Sticks next to me call out my name through my nose, the water bottle next to me sits only sipped as the Code Red in the fi5rdge calls out my name from the artificially stimulated corners of my mind, the TV drones on in the background The Batchelor, I believe... how ironic, appropriate, insulting, or whatever, aye?... my roommates remain in their respective rooms... the kitchen light remains on... and...

I am going to stand up, look for my gym cloths, and see if I actually make it out the door and down to the gym... yes, that's right, I am still somehow hanging on the thread of life I woke with (I am reborn each time I open my eyes, remember?... it's just not such a full rebirth lately)... if the energy does not bring out a distraction (as it usually does) then I just might make it down there and then, hopefully, continue whatever reawakening started when I sat down here yesterday to finally upload some of these entries that have been piling up for more than six weeks...

exciting, huh?...

or maybe just continuing the amusement (sardonic, ironic, sarcastic, cynical, irreverent, and yet still most serious) that this entry and pretty much all of my babbling brings me (and hopefully expresses in some way)... I'll be back, I hope, later to continue uploading and bring us back to RealTime� here behind the candoor... again I thank you for the blessed feeling you give me by letting me know you are here and hope to hear from more of you any time you have a moment... so here we go, clicking upload and standing up...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)