To my blogmad friends and all those who joined blogmad cuz I begged you to... blogmad crashed and your accounts may have been lost, so as soon as they get it fixed I'm going to be outrageously presumptuous and beg you to register again?... especially if we didn't get to chat there yet (chatting there with friends is more fun than the whole surfing thing)... they are working on fixing it now... hope to see you there...

ok?

I want to thank my dear wonderful supportive inspiring commenters... somewhere along the way I stopped (paused, I think) in my responding to comments the way I used to (I still miss the threaded comments that LJ has... I noticed that mindsay has threaded comments which nudges me a step closer to actually using that place)... but then, it's not as if I get so many comments like Smed, Hiss, Gump, Jes, Danger, or even Smash (and others) that I couldn't keep up...

but I am not here to be dropping famous DLand names, after all (at least not every entry, huh?), it is you commenters I wish to thank today... I mean, as far as I can tell I am averaging more than 100 unique visitors each day lately and I appreciate each and every one of you, especially you, dear readers, who keep coming back...

and for the thrill of the comment (and note) I give each of you a big hug: Tart, Smash, Moo, Dandy, Babs, Shore, Tarkis, E-Beth, Alex, Lydia, Willow, Nicole, Spark, Mjet, Ginger, Beagle, Danger, f-i-n, Moo, Seawave, Rob, Rhodent, Linna, Hissy, dotcom, Poola, Boann7, Sandyz, , IT, Kim, Ma, Cat, Ten33girl, Daniel, Jodi, Tricia, Chris, Clarity, NicoleM, Joey, B. Hussy, Jane, Dot, HM Murdoc, Hamel, Bindy, Nicim, Kat, NG Daddy, Smed, Greywulf, Publius, Sarah, Oomm, qbitty, z0tl, ,

and before another day goes by without mentioning it... for calling on my birthday (do I block or what?), something I never expect (and obviously ignore all too well)... you get the wide-eyed most amazed and appreciative smile along with you hug... and Minnie, dear expensive child (and I hear you laughing), I suppose I should thank you for keeping me somewhat grounded and connected to humanity as you are a living reminder of my love-hate relationship with responsibility and how it is like a coin flip to me and how you always remind me that the coin always turns up on the side of love... may the cheap old car I just bought you be safe (and last longer than the last car I gave you)... and so do you, S... I am still not sure just how to process the idea that I might have some family who know my history from way back and who still care... and I appreciate your patience...

what a long strange trip it's been...

and yes, willow, the CD did finally arrive and Precious and I were laughing all night after listening to it... during listening to it too... she thinks I have strange and wonderful friends... and pondering receiving gifts got me to thinking that I still am not completely out of the bubble of protection (cone of silence) I put myself in so long ago... I thought I was (and maybe I was) coming out of it way back when you sent me a copy of Illusions or more recently cookies and goodies... and you sent all those CDs and boxes of magical stuff (I still have that, in fact, I just this past week unpacked the box it was stored in after the last move)... am I ever flipping from frivolously flippant to morbidly morose like an AC current today, huh?... maybe I've just gotten so numb and complacent and ambivalent (who wrote that poem when a man is alone too long... I must find it again, but a search on the net was in vain a few times) that I am more comfortable sleepwriting than waking up and living in the physical world...

maybe...

since I am acknowledging a lot of people in this world today, some very close and some far away, who deserve better than they get from me, I'll lighten up a bit by pointing out that I left out a lot of internet crushes from that unplanned entry that sort of became about internet crushes... mcearstix comes to mind as one who inspired some email love (and not just cuz her notes and comments were off for a while either) as I dreamed of traveling the world (including inner space) with her, for those of you who are demanding to see the entire list (and I'll show you the entire list just as soon as I compile it, but don't hold your breath because I doubt I'll ever get that organized... I couldn't possibly leave nicim off the list, though I respect her love for her lover and keep my lust for her as platonic as possible by falling in love with her heart... see, libido has an aversion to turning on to someone who is turning on to someone else...another heart I adore from afar is dalyrical1 as she too is hearted to another... as is Moo who I absolutely adore and wish I could bottle and carry around with me as my own personal genie of love... and Clarity, one more of my heart's dream girls happily in love with someone else... I'll just sigh, bat my eyes, and keep on dreaming (and hope mcearstixyou're laughing with me)... and of course there's smoog who seduces me with humor whenever I get my eyes over to her words... some crushes are intellectual in nature (and anyone with half a brain might get that joke)... and how could I possibly forget those wonderful years of admiring leroy from the cheap seats... yes, some of my crushes may never even knew I existed...

and an extra extra special hug to you, Lydia...

so many more would come to mind if I continued, but I'll move along to other thoughts for now and leave it for you to ponder who else might be crushable in my mind, or heart, or libido (and which part of me crushes the most, for that matter)...

in the past week or so it seems a bunch of you wonderful readers have joined blogmad recently via my reference and I am still not sure who you might be... I mean, don't be afraid to tell me just because I lust after your nubile young flesh... ok, seriously, don't forget that you have to activate your site in order for it to be part of the system there... that just means clicking on the 'activate' link on the 'activate' page... if you have any questions about the site, just ask... I mean, I don't mind you keeping it as your secret, but I can't very well give you some extra credits if I don't know your blogmad name... and you do want to be a blogmad friend or lover, right?... that's the blogmad buddy list page... well, then log into blogmad and go to the relationships page and add me (candoor)... I mean, I'd happily add you if you tell me your blogmad name...

if you wanna be my lover...

and about that friend or lover thing on blogmad... I love you all and only didn't add people as 'lovers' because I did not want anyone misunderstanding or thinking I was getting too forward (since I do tend to tease a bit much sometimes), but feel free to tell me you love me that blogmad way and I'll happily tell the world I love you too... yeah, that goes for you guys (male-type) too, it's love, after all, not sex, and I'm no homophobe and it's ok with me if you decided to fantasize about my hot naked man flesh as long as you understand that yours doesn't do much for my libido and I hope you don't take that personally... my libido has a mind of it's own and is very picky and few people of any gender or species get a serious rise out of the sexual me... I'm sure you all really needed to know that...

all I ever needed was the one...

and I have another blogmad thought... I was filtering blogs as I surfed blogmad until today... I had more than a half dozen categories marked as blocked... I decided to change that setting because I realized that I was using more credits of sites I liked and not using any credits of the sites I don't like, therein helping the sites I don't like and undermining the circulation of the sites I do like... that's not fair (or right for me), especially when I am just clicking for credits while doing other things and not really pausing to read anything...

it makes sense to me...

what I need now is a good pop-up blocker because the pop-ups are increasing as I surf through a wider variety of blogmad sites... if any of you use a pop-up blocker and are truly happy with it, please let me know... I know Firefox has one built in (and IE7 is supposed to), but my old computer crashes Firefox even more than IE and any program I install needs to run on Win98 under 300Mhz with less than 64MB RAM, ion other words, very small footprint... and while I'm hoping for responses to this info request, how about other utilities you use... what do you like and use regularly?... I'll love you for the info... so will my computer... platonically, of course...

then again, I think my computer is bisexual...

and speaking of sexual preferences (were we?), since so many of you didn't actually ask, I am bisexual in my mind... intellectually I totally accept the rightness of loving anyone and everyone in any way that does no harm and enjoying the pleasures the body can offer... I believe anyone who tries to make a rule banning or condemning any sort of honest love is wrong... physically though I am not nearly as promiscuous as my mind would be if it was really in control of this body (it only thinks it is)... I have shared a bed with a man, an older man when I was a wee lad of eighteen (he was a doctor or nurse or something, officer in the army... I was a very high private, I believe, and scored invites to the parties at some of the officer's homes because I worked emergency room and was just that cool...

usually one of the nurses brought me along...

oh, I see you all wringing your hands for details... so before you bombard me with demands for full disclosure, I'll give... after all, I'm falling way behind on entries...

it was California in the high drug use era (whatdya mean it still is?)... lovely Carmel-by-the-sea where the rich people lived and a few of us Monterey and Seaside residents made the climb up the hill to seventeen mile drive... at least I think it was seventeen mile drive... beautiful homes on the cliffs just forty miles north of Big Sur with the Pacific Ocean as a front yard... the guy had a great organ... I mean the kind you play with two hands... a musical organ, keyboard and foot pedals, you know?... I was much more musical then and loved to play with it...

the organ...

yeah, ok, anyway, one night after several days of party I found myself the last one there and he pulled out some really expensive experimental drugs (which meant I was definitely in the elite now... or was just worth seducing, I suppose)... we buzzed around for hours laughing at the dust in the wind and whatever else struck our fancy (it was quite a different mind trip from the manic and spacey night I drove around with my junkie friend and almost got my Celica GT stuck in a bog in a park after driving off a four foot wall, but that's another story from my exciting military adventures in California back when I was still mostly awake and quite alive... I don't think I told you about that... and did I ever tell you about the time I deliberately drove into a tree at 40 mph just to get ride of a rather annoying supplicant?... that was a few years later when alcohol replaced the cool drugs... alcohol tended to raise the level of violent irresponsibility quite considerably for me... but we were not discussing driving before we were interrupted by this parentheses, were we, in spite of the stick shift)...

anyway, after a few hours ol' Major Tom (or was he a Captain Bob?... my memory for names slides behind my memory for experiences more often than not, especially if I don't really get to know someone over a period of time) suggested I sleep over in his comfy bed as opposed to on the comfy couch where I'd usually end up with the few stragglers who just could not bear the end of a party... and so I experimented with the male bonding experience and it was odd for me as the whole falling in love part was no part of it and neither was the libido attraction part... so we just played with each other's parts manually and fell asleep...

yes, I know, all that build up for such a flaccid finish...

that was my one experience with another male and while he continued to be a quite active bisexual, I remained much more interested in the female anatomy and continued falling in love with girls... my best friend (and unofficial, highly illegal roommate) at the time was Ri who was one of the most beautiful loving people I ever knew (and darned adorable too) and she (and her wonderful lips) helped keep me from becoming the total hedonist that my intellect might have easily accepted had my libido not been so focused on Amy and Amy look-alikes (think Mila Kunis and others on libido's list, which you ought to know where to find by now so I won't include yet another link... I did run away to join the army because of a broken heart, after all)... sometimes I think every path through my heart begins and ends there... and perhaps that will be the case until someone else finds a way to forge a new path as deep and wide and wonderful (there's still plenty of open land to explore, after all)...

how did this entry turn into an I was almost a gay military man confessional, anyway?...

I suppose the point being that my sexual preferences were not forged in a vacuum of ignorance, but through exploration, experimentation, and experience... not that it was all that scientific, I mean, except maybe for the chemicals... so after my one night stand with my military officer lover, I was more sure than ever that I was more interested in what was under the female nurses uniforms than the males... not that she has to necessarily be a nurse or in uniform (or clothed, for that matter... I'm not all that into clothes, after all)...

and how did we get on the subject of my sexual preferences and experience, for that matter?... my bisexual computer?... ah, perhaps it was the concept of friend and lover at blogmad that lead us to reveal one of my deep dark secrets from my sordid past... not that it was all that a secret, but it might be more amusing to put it this way... my fellow blogmadians may be shocked and appalled now (or shocked and awed?) if they are still awake... I think I tend to put the average blogger asleep with my long and winding entries as they are used to ten lines of insight or nonsense or technical stuff or the news or something equally as brief and derivative (see the funda for the briefs... the boxers too... and perhaps the occasional thong, but that's another blog)...

the point here being (or at least one of them) that if any of you who joined up at blogmad because you want to be my friend and lover then you'll have to let me know because blogmad does not tell me who joined via my reference, only that somebody did when somebody does... and as much as you might want to be somebody, I'd rather you be somebody with a name...

and if you joined up hoping to catch me in IRC chat there for any reason at all, let me know and we'll hook up with the clock to set up a time good for both of us (or all of us if you're into groups) to get to know each other better in real time conversation... you know you can ask me anything, right?...

and you don't have to give me Arpege, either...

memory is such a peculiar animal...

clowns or no clowns...

this entry was not planned, by the way, it just happened the way most every entry does... in fact, it would have included a bit of a work rant had it not grown as it did (cuz at first I was a bit distracted by work, but then my subtle influences and amazing tolerance won the night and the words started flowing and so I removed the work rant and that will become another entry... probably the one right before this one, unless all of these entries suddenly find their chronological order one day, in which case this whole diary would experience a few upheavals in various ways, kind of like a mad lib only with whole entries instead of just with a few words)...

and now I miss Cali... sometimes I miss Cali even more than I miss NYC, mostly because I prefer calm relaxed laid back culture to a tense rushed aggressive culture... but I still miss a lot of what NYC had to offer... and obviously (or at least apparently), I am open to greener pastures... I am not of The South, mentally or emotionally (or spiritually, for that matter)... and except for the beach bum and the Disney kid in me, there does not seem to be much in the way of satisfaction to be found in this land of conservative palm trees, get rich quick schemes, southern prospectors, tourists, and retired folk... maybe it has something to do with the fact that the state has been in the bottom five states for education for decades or maybe it's the conservative south or maybe it's the plastic smiles and artificial tans, but then, everywhere has the latter... it's a great place to take a nap and nurture the mostly dead...

I stay for the climate and the hope that a playmate will come along that loves the theme parks and water and heat as much as I do... but mostly the climate because I could be hoping for a playmate anywhere... I just love the tropics and this body is not happy in a climate where lots of clothes are required for survival on a regular basis... and the planet, I don't want to live anywhere that covers the planet in concrete and asphalt so much that parks are man made and grass and trees and open fields and lakes and streams are novelties... and beaches and the ocean, especially the ocean... and lots of stars in the night time sky... and sunshine...

of course anywhere can be paradise with the one you love... and now, hearing Harry's Sunday Morning Sunshine and Better Place to Be and suddenly a concert all for me in my head so i am going to listen and I shall close this entry asking you but one more thing...

if the one I love happens to stumble by this diary, please wake me up and let me know...

it's good to laugh J

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)