of course if I was not such a babbling purist, that one line title could have been an entry... I am so tired I might be seeing ghosts, but I am definitely seeing auras around people and things and some sort of general visual astral projections... and did I mention that Precious received her new iPod?... all shiny and new and just waiting for music, engraved and everything... maybe she'll show her appreciation by getting back to helping burn some CDs for me (after all, her computer is about twenty times faster than mine... hint hint)...

I will suggest, at the moment, that you consider reading this entire entry, even skipping past the mundane money thoughts and obligatory self-plugging of website ways for you to become my friend or at least get to know me better� later on in this entry I shall wax poetic and provide the secrets of the universe, or at least some wise words and biblical references� yes, they can be included in the same sentence now and then� I might even offend you and you know that's a rarity, so do read on to the bottom�

thank you�

and now, back to finishing the thought in the first paragraph, of course I could rob the bank and buy a new computer finally... but then, I just popped $500 to Minnie for a car and March was $500 for my car insurance and the iPod was another $200 or so (she came up with $150 from a school job she did (lighting coordinator) and as the iPod was a replacement for the one she carelessly lost at school, I thought that it was fair to have her pay part)... hmmmm, further gazing into the depths of my dark and rather empty wallet tells me that I popped $500+ last month and another $500+ this month on car payments... and the storage place payment is behind again so another $1000 or so will pop out to them any day now... and way too many dinners out ($100 just this weekend, dang, hold up, will ya)... if I gaze any deeper into the dusty old wallet I'd certainly remember other expenditures... if I think about it more I might join a monastery... or a cult...

aherm...

yeah, so anyway, so the new computer (like the long awaited camera and music system and game system) shall wait another month or few... though I did hear recently that the PS2 came down to $129... like I have time to indulge my video game addiction... I'd have to cut back on writing or surfing the web cuz there's just not more time to cut from any other activity... I don't think I can cut back on sleep much more than getting none... but I do long for playing out another thirty year dynasty in NCAA Football... EA Sports, it's in the game... I don't know if it's good or not that my roommates are not into gaming... probably for the best, and yet, the kid in me so misses the excitement of that obsession...

not as much as I miss the music, though...

le sigh...

speaking of favorite activities, I wonder how well my old activities page (that I have not looked at in a few years) reflects my current interests (as absence makes the heart grow fonder and might have me prioritizing the activities I want most a bit differently... not to mention my wantlist... you want to know me, there are two good places to start... they are part of the old window entrance to my web world that I started building in the nineties and left off work there four or five years ago... I must make time to read those and update them if anything needs changing... probably not much as not much has changed (except getting a job) since I first put that out there way back then...

that may be sad, actually...

and perhaps you wonder why I phrase emotional comments the way I do sometimes... I have found in my wanderings amongst and interactions with the human race that in some essential ways I am not like other people... not that I am special or the only one in the childish egocentric view of reality, but in practical views of abstract concepts like emotions (and the concrete effects they exhibit in the physical world, this body, for instance)... I usually, without second thought or effort, choose how I want to feel...

as simple (and perhaps impossible to some) as that sounds, it is my physical reality in this life... and there's no diminishing of feeling for me as I experience feeling a whole lot more than anyone I've ever spoken to who is not out of control and in an institution... in fact I experience feeling a whole lot more than some who are out of control as well, though far from all... it's intense and challenging (and sometimes feels like a weight that is crushing my psyche and body, literally making breathing a consciously laborious experience... but I don't think I'd trade it for anything else and I've tried many alternatives including drugs, depression, near death experiences, and various detachments from reality)...

writing releases excess emotion, kind of like meditation� as does running and gym workouts� and everything stays pretty much in a stable balance that I easily manage without thinking about it much except when I am self-analyzing in my writings which takes a small fraction of the overall time I spent in this life� so most of the time I am on auto-pilot trusting my mind to make decisions about emotions without contacting me for conscious conversation, though I do know I make the decision�

and most of the time I choose to be happy, or at least on the plus side of neutral� so the statement above, that may be sad, actually� reflects most accurately my feeling about anything that I think might be sad and it is an example of my perspective on emotions in action� I think I should be sad about some of the unchanging aspects of this life I've lived over the last four years and even more sad about some things that remain unchanged and less than optimal for more than a decade, but I don't wanna be sad at the moment so I am not�

if that really makes sense to you, then you've taken a big step toward understanding me�

I was awake-dreaming when I started this entry and that is another of my favorite past times cuz at least it helps me remember who I am (even if I am not being all of who I am at this time) and so I'm bouncy happy just thinking about indulging my loves and lusts and obsessions for various activities... and this bit of introspective and metaphysical pondering will become part of an entry soon I expect... for now though I am going to pack up the computer and start waking up the kids here at work... hope you're having even more fun than I am...

. . .

and that (preceding babble) was mostly a few days ago (some additional thoughts were injected just now), Friday morning to be precise� and it is now Sunday night� and his entry will probably be dated for Saturday� isn't time an amazing concept when revealed as part of the writing process?� well, it might be if we analyze the styles and moods of the text at some future date� for the moment let's just say that upon further critical analysis we find that the time factor plays an important role in the apparent shifting of subjects and levels of consciousness in candoor's writing� in this class, we shall explore the magnitude of the changes in relation to the length of time wherever we can identify a pause of longer than one hour�

that would not be Candoor 101 though� it would definitely have to be part of a more advanced class in the understanding of the candoor curriculum� I expect there'll be degree programs offered in upcoming semesters, or at least eventually (and if there actually are someday, won't that go a long way to proving that ego was not all hot air as I often thought when he put me on a pedestal and crowned me the optimal one)�

you really should not be laughing so much in class, you know�

and if you're not laughing, you just don't get it�

so anyway, I am not quite as tired as I was then, because I did tear myself awake from the computer and some of you wonderful people who read me and are left so speechless you forget to comment (is that my tongue sticking out at you?� why yes, it is� now how did that happen?) at blogmad (what, you expected an entry to go by without a mention?� sheesh no, I am enjoying the new wave of literary social interaction {read: public and private chat) waaay too much to not have blogmad on my mind {it's being tattooed to my brain as we speak, or at least as you read this} and I encourage you to join and check it out for yourself� and if you feel inspired to, stop by to say hello to me� or just watch me chat with others and come up with your own conclusions about just how crazy I am or who I might really be in and out of my head) yesterday to not mention it at least once during this entry�

and yes, dear sweet, funny, wise, and ever so helpful Lydia, I do love you� you are special and deserve to be introduced to my mass of screaming fans (who are all again asked to please remain behind the barricades until the sign signifying the show is actually over is fully lit and flashing� those with epilepsy or any aversion to flashing or blinking lights are warned to not stare at the sign), but here we are again way down into the body of this entry and you, dear Lydia (who does not like the her silly namesake song even though I do) deserve higher billing so I will once again put it off for another entry when the muses lead me to introduce you earlier�

anyone curious can sneak into blogmad and secretly spy on Lydia (and me, for that matter� and come to think of it, Smash and z0tl (and others who shall remain nameless as they're obviously too busy or shy to come in and chat� nudge nudge} as well, at least until they tire of chatting with me, if they ever do � and you can also get insider information such as the rumour that the next episode of Rockin!� is in production and nearing release, but this sentence was about Lydia so let's close this parentheses) if you are curious about one of my current and most recent muses�

another reason this is probably not the best time to be glowing over Lydia (who is such a smash (as opposed to a Smash, just so you don't confuse the two of them) in her run as blogmad moderator and Goddess that she is being held over for an indefinite run� and while she receives promotions, I've been stripped of my moderator status for thinking evil thoughts and crashing the internet {it was brief, you may not have noticed} and I didn't think it was fair that they could read minds without mentioning it in their terms of service, but I suppose they know best� nyuk, nyuk, obladi oblada, and koo koo ka choo)�

and furthermore, I am not going to introduce sweet, adorable, and ever so excellent at Public Relations Lydia at this time because my tongue is way too far into my cheek and it would not be nice if I accidentally drooled on her cuz she deserves much more respect and better treatment than that� so perhaps next time the muse slaps me up side the head with a block of aged cheddar I shall introduce you to the passionate and powerful and ever so beautiful Lydia (perhaps I'll even roast her a bit as she does love a good roast and actually seems to tolerate my incorrigibly odd sense of humor rather well, but then, she is British, mind you {and I see all you Brits nodding knowingly and mumbling to yourselves, "oh yes, that explains it then, righto" as you sip your tea or down a few beers and kippers, come on, don't deny it, I've watched Monty Python since they were the Goonies* and Benny Hill since he was playing with himself in diapers, after all}, so her sense of humor is rather warped sophisticated, already)�

*PS� [I know, Goons, but Goonies sounded funnier at the moment and I like that movie too]

yes, well, since I will not be introducing you all to Lydia, the star of stage, screen, and internet and part-time wonder-bra model who is currently being held over (or up) at blogmad for an extended engagement (or at least until they all run out of credits), I shall continue on with the entry already in progress�

the following bit of rhyme was not written or even inspired by Lydia, except maybe for the roast� and the cheddar, probably� and maybe the sugar, cuz she is very sweet, but it was written before during the first part of this entry when I was lost in space between the synapses of my mind due to lack of sleep and the auras and ghosts that sometimes visit me during those extended awake periods� so please do not go running to blogmad to tell her I wrote some pornographic portrayal of a hedonistic feast or any secret cult-like ceremony given in her honor because it wasn't consciously intended to be any such thing and no thought of dedication to anyone was considered in the first place and definitely is not worthy of the level of respect and honor that Queen Goddess Lydia truly deserves�

it was, however, influenced by Bert and Berry, my IRL co-workers who, for two whole days last week, actually motivated me to get out running (well, mostly walking because they walked because Berry is still recovering from pregnancy) in preparation for the Disney marathon (and you thought I was just joking about being crazy, did you?) and also quite possibly contributing to said influence is Thorton, who might or might not be hearing whos, but most definitely is a working inspiration for me to get less lazy and more healthy and active (hence, the not fat, mind you verse)�

additional influences noted in ancient texts relate to the Vegan clan of my ancestry who provided me with some of the wisest genes in my human packaging and perhaps one of these days I will stop ignoring those, though even the acute awareness of truths such as that it takes sixteen pounds of grain fed to a cow to make one pound of beef and if we all went vegetarian or even mostly and would distribute the grain, there would no long be a hungry person on the fact of this planet, but that's just too sensible for humanity at this point in it's development (I mean, we're still suckling on the teat of dinosaurs as we drain the planet of fossil fuel (and do all manner of horrible things in the name of God and country over the crude stuff), but that's buried in layers so deeply between the lines of silly thought that only Talmud and Kaballah scholars might have found it�

further analysis of the intricacies and delicacies of this work can be found after class in the ladies lounge under the bidet, and as part of the newly developing graduate program in advanced candoor studies planned for future consumption at the Universities of Kalamazoo, Walla Walla, or some such oddly named institution�

star gazing is not optional for this portion of the seminar, so be prepared to lay out in the tall grass for several hours after the festival course� bring blankets and beverages as you deem necessary� smoking will not be permitted as the tall grass goes up in flames rather easily even in the rainy season, so wear your nicorette patches if you are addicted to the plant and any other drugs should be brought in liquid or easy to swallow pill form�

and let this be a warning to all who might approach bearing gifts or wishing to be part of the babbling that goes on here at candoor central� remember that if you do not wish to be mentioned in these massive missives, you must fill out form C (the chicken form) and get it stamped by Lydia during moonrise or simply let me know you prefer not to be a part of the written history of life in black and white behind the candoor� I wouldn't worry much though, since I am backlogged with requests and pleas for inclusion in these cacophonies of modern madness and no, I will not return the photos or the poems written on white cotton briefs, but please be good enough to send an unstained pair next time as the stains make it difficult to read�

especially the dark ones�

now, for those of you seeking limits on anything, but especially decorum or subject material or even polite conversation, you've obviously been mislead to the wrong place� you were probably looking for candora or, for you more intellectually stimulated, the funda, each of whom have more than five hundred entries to stimulate or mollify your offended sensibilities� there will be no apologies for your not clicking away from this babble before you felt the pole up your butt get too hot to handle, unless, of course, you'd like to offer one�

please note, dear regular readers, that I am quite aware that you do not have any such poles in any of your orifices (which can be remedied by purchasing one at the gift counter� I recommend one of the vibrating models) and your tolerance for my penchance (or is that penchant?) for crossing over tot eh dark side and laughing at everything (including stained underwear), not to mention my occasionally bawdy side, which is not the same as showing my ass, I assure you, are all very welcome to jump in the pool (the water is fine) or kick back and relax and enjoy the rambling of my warped mind as you wish�

and in closing I remind each and every one of you to remember the wisest words of all that were carved into the oft forgotten third tablet that came from the burning bush and accidentally broke when Moses dropped it while coming down off the mountain and whatever drugs he was on which simply said:

g'nite diaryland, blogmad, blogspot, live journal, mindsay, any other community I left out, and the world, we love y'all J

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)