ok, so I nodded off a few moments... and somebody is playing with the phone lines... the local company blames it on Comcast, leave it to BellSouth (the BellSlouches of the Baby-Huey Bells) to point fingers... anyway, I woke realizing that I had not finished unloading my brain dump (or uploading entries, as you many have noticed... pssst, look in the lower left corner... not there, your other left... that's it... see?... there's now a list of the last five entries you may have missed cuz I tend to suddenly upload a few or five in a row... now you've got it)...

it's been a while since I crawled around... I mean on my hands and knees, actual crawling, not the crawling around I do on line and here in my babbling... I think everyone should physically return to the infantile stage of crawling on a regular basis... even if it starts requiring a good set of knee pads and a back brace... when was the last time you had a crawling race?...

I am distracted by the time... I feel the sun moving through the sky and know that any minute now Precious will be popping through the door with her Pepsi addiction and poor eating habits all ready to turn on the TV and catch me up on her day... and week, since this is Friday... sometimes I wonder if having Friday off is good for me at the moment...

I have braced myself today thought... as you may have seen by the two previous entries, I am approaching exacerbated (spell that?) with myself for the easy way I take on the habits of anyone I life with (and we'll not get into the slovenly mess, the more important eating and exercise habits shall remain the focus for now if I am not to dilute and disillude and give up once again)...

more water... as hunger reappears and all that's on my hunger-related mind is more Italian parmesean foods (something else, think of something else you like), I must brace myself for the care and feeding of a teenage girl as she looks to me for life-giving sustenance and guidance and direction and attention... I must be a healthy influence today... even in my advanced state of lethargy brought on by my crashing down from a sugar-caffeine high (what, you have not read the previous two entries?)... I could sleep all evening and wake up after they've gone to bed...

coward...

but it wouldn't work, anyway, since I am not sleepy, just lethargic... and locking myself in my room with a good book is not appealing as my brain would start hurting if I did not continue this dump (it needs release, not more stuff to concentrate upon, output, not input)...

wow, loud stomach grumblings... that is horrible information to receive from this body since I just fed it, ummmm, about eleven hours ago... wait, that's a long time, isn't it?... but I'd like to fast for about a week or few, actually... if only this mood would last for a week or few, huh?... but then, it's the starvation signals coming from the brain when I go twelve or more hours without eating that weaken my resolve to be healthy and as fatigue settles in the hunger demons win the battle of the bulge and the favorite old comfort foods (pastas, melted cheeses, fried stuff, breads, chocolate) win out... and then the brain gets the brainstorm that drinking some highly caffeinated and ultra-sugared drink might help...

I can not only spell stupid, I can do it well...

so if I know the nature of this habit and the antecedents and mechanisms of the behaviors and so on, why not push the right button to change it?... maybe I am... maybe I am waiting for someone else to (dumb, yes, but hopeful... you know, kinda like the Peter Pan syndrome)... maybe I should put out a want ad... Wanted: one seriously non-possessive and unconditional nurturer, everything negotiable... control freaks need not apply...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)