what we have here, is hopefully not a failure to communicate (and what old movie do I have on my mind paraphrasing that line?), it is might be cheating to come up with an entry, but communication we can do, right?... I haven't been visiting anyone online lately and it's been a while since I left comments, I think... sometimes comments might reveal more about me than an entry cuz I am writing to someone personally (that reminds, me of the letters I've been meaning to make time to put up somewhere... sheesh, any wonder why an editor is high up on my wantlist? {aka wishlist, but then, it's not your typical merchandise-type wish list... I've still not gotten around to doing up one of those right for me}... but then, you might know all this already)... so for this entry I shall pull the comments I wrote today (I think it was today... the DLand server business, or is that more accurately busy-ness, has time mixed-up again) and give you an entry and you can tell me if you like it or if it makes sense or even, if you know, what it means...

this is an entry in three parts (not including the previous introduction and possibly with a coda)... it presents some thoughts left as comments in three different places (you know who you are) about my disappearances and moods and online behavior and long silences and the way my mind works, at least in a literary sense, and perhaps even the method of my madness... for all of you who know me through other sites, especially through sites I rarely visit these days...

I do not intentionally leave myself behind and yet, sometimes I may appear to forget myself in dark places... there is still much muck and mire to drag myself through (and still much cleansing left to do and still much joy in finding you and still knowing the light at the end of the tunnel may be a train and still believing it might not be coming to smash me but rather to pick me up and still waving cuz even if I'm gone so long I lost everything that was where I left off, there is hope somebody will wave back but I won't tell myself all this while I am dragging myself back through so I can feel it all again and remember what I do cuz that is how I get through to finally say thank you)...

scary, sometimes (I may be to myself)...

I do not intentionally ignore the manna in the wilderness, to essense of life as I know it, the precious recognition you leave for me that is sustenance for my creative muses and (dare I admit it) the only real food my soul has to feed upon these days... and even as I reduce my defenses to rubble and expose all doubts and fears that ever were or could be to believe that I live in words and find in words the only salvation and peace and love and happiness and truth I've ever known in this life... and even as I thank you for ressurecting this... I smile from my self-imposed cross and bear no malice against the foolish choices that locked me in this mixed metaphor for it is the art I might someday call my life and with hope (and the wish of and for friends), some worth may be left behind...

until then, I thank you for being here... for caring... and for feeding me... and for putting up with all my rambling drama...

I do not intentionally divide myself into compartments or different streams of consciousness... I was a little kid when I realized that I can see things from many perspectives and virtually anything is possible... it was instinctive to open my mind to possibilities and just as instinctive to understand that the easiest way to access myself, to get to know myself, to control myself, and to communicate all the different perspectives and aspects I know as me with me and with others... and when I found the darker sides of life, the sadness and pain, I decided that even though it is all part of a matrix that is my experience and me, I can forgive the bad feelings and those involved in creating them and leave a purity of good feeling within me untouched, intact, and the possibility of innocence in spite of experiences that most would claim takes or destroys innocence is alive and well for me in this life... and that's why I continued to refine my ability to create different worlds within my creative spaces for different moods and experiences, but I did not start out to intentionally divide myself into compartments or different streams of consciousness and I still don't think I do it consciously...

but then again, now that I know...

maybe I do...

and that concludes the entry composed of comments recently left in very special places that I don't frequent nearly enough but still leave my heart connected there and hopefully it is received and felt too... and beyond to you, dear readers, may my words mean something even when i am not sure if they do, for even when I am wandering aimlessly through my own doubts and foibles, I am sincerely caring and wishing I could show you more how deep my love goes... I'd buy a big house where we all could live and be saved by the music, ya know?...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)