I caved in a bit today... I came home from work late cuz I had to stop and renew my registration for my car and allowed fatigue to sweep me into sleep... I slept well, though still feel fatigue and would love it if I could find the logic or feeling to convince myself to take the night off and let go into endless sleep until there was no more sleep to be found (which might take a day or few), but I am not that uncontientious (or financially irresponsible) at the moment... they are short (staff) at work and I have taken off a lot of time in the last six months, so some voice in my head is telling me it's not a good idea... the loudest voice, however, is the one telling me that it is not the right time to let go and open myself to anything (meaning, I am not ready to quite my job and move to wherever the car might drive me... maybe next Spring)...

so I did not get to the gym this morning and when I woke, I found myself not wanting to go to the gym this evening... and I am hungry, but also feeling the weekend binge and so kinda bloated, but not nearly as I've been before I started working out... I think I'm low on protein or something... and then there's the immediate influences of the living environment, Precious sitting alone in the living room watching TV and looking over frequently apparently hoping for attention (or food, since she ate half a bowl of cereal and called it dinner cuz dad went to sleep again without leaving her dinner or money to get any... so now I want to cook myself some dinner and she's constantly in and out of the kitchen foraging for food... and I wonder why my savings continues to dwindle since Raspy moved in... but that is outside of my head and except for being hungry, I am inside tonight)...

I sat down here in the big green chair and put on my headphones (Moody Blues) and wrote a bit, then went in for a steamy hot shower, wonderful... and then put on new music and from the first note it absorbed me and lead me to more gouda to explore... and I downloaded mail... and there was an email from Toronto... yes, from the last person I called soulmate (there've only been a couple I believed in so in this life) and shared everything with (and left everything behind for)... so of course I start thinking about the stuff stuck in storage and the reason I do not have the music that is my life (and feeling Mr. Tanner, thank you Harry) and so on and so forth (a definitely unpleasant journey down through broken dreams and living nightmares that are the source of wounds that still fester underneath the skin at times)...

I hear voices telling me "let go" and "don't respond" and other much less kind suggestions, but that is not me and she and anyone who truly knows me knows this, so I'll probably respond tonight, if ever so briefly... I do not have the answers to your questions, but you'll ask them anyway because you care and I'll sit here pondering because I care and until someone is actually here, that'll be the way the ping pong ball bounces... unless something changes... or there's more time and money to do something else... anybody got a few thousand dollars and years to spare?...

reeling in the years?...

the shiver my timbers irony is that just yesterday I rediscovered an old favorite (genius, pure genius, no matter how prejudiced I am in my opinion cuz I love the smoog) was back up and rambling on and in leaving a few comments I found others I bookmarked for future reaching out to and actually did say hi to one (and some of the eerie music comes from the idea that a mugwhump might have once been a next door neighbor, at least in a sort of transcendental sense, once upon a time in a suburb of Toronto) and there I am reaching out and welcoming more contact in yesterday's entry and pow, a blast from the past (think she's actually been reading all along?... naaaa) shows up in my email...

did I do that?...

I'm going to explore the kitchen for some dinner now and if I have time, I'll return to see what else is on my mind (and whether any of the skimming stones above have created patterns on the waters of my being that can be put into words)...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)