because all the good drugs are illegal...

no really, I need a new prayer... one that suits me and my odd sense of spirituality and the cosmos... it should probably go something like this... I want to find my way back to my silly side, my irreverence, my ecclectic hedonistic hitchhiking through the galaxy perspective... I mean, my life isn't changing... I have no horrible mess to clean up (at least none visible)... I have no major rebuilding to do (I think)...

I thought about changing lives, I mean, finding a new job in a new place involved with new people dedicated to a cause or something (something I can believe in) and I might consider something new if someone offered it, but my ambition to seek out such opportunities seems to have faded... my aloneness seems to have become an sorta comfortable discomfort, kind of like an unpleasant odor I've learned to live with... I find little or no motivation to actively search for friends or anything new and fascinating in this world anymore...

depressed?...

not in the sense most might see the word...

apathetic?...

again, in an odd way...

I still feel more excitement than anyone around me wants to join in on and more energy than anyone around me wants to keep up with... that's the most depressing part of life, that I still have not slowed down enough to find people who can follow me around, no less lead me around... and repressing or restraining the energy and excitement for long is simply not healthy...

I seem to be in a phase of life where I await... yes, that's it, I am awaiting... not anticipating... not really looking for anything... just awaiting...

are those strange looks I see?...

well, actually, the better question might be are there any looks to be seen?...

ahrem...

or is that aherm?...

I am watching the wheels and not loving it as much as I used to... it gets this way when I am alone too long (after all, John had his Yoko when he wrote that song)...

I see love blooming in the most beautiful of places (and such hearts deserves every moment of bliss) and I feel even more alone, even as I rejoice and cheer what I see...

I see great spirits in action amidst profound challenges in the most disgusting of environments (and such spirits deserve the glory of overcoming and rebuilding and enjoying new lives) and I feel even more alone, even as I feel humanity and inspiration in what I see...

I see so many people in need and cry silently, dryly, and I feel even more alone, even as I feel wishes in my heart that I could help...

I see so many people and more people I wish I knew and could talk to and take walks with and have fun with and feel even more alone, even as their words and images inspire me to hope it will not always be so...

so what?...

I can distract myself from my life with the news...

I can pour energy into causes and try to change the world...

but I do not want to control anything or anyone... I do not want to make rules for others... I do not want to tell others how to live, what to think, or how to be...

I do not want to be god or leader or even some sort of role model... I do not want to be a public figure... I want to be a private person, just me, sharing life with someone who knows me, appreciates me, loves me... someone who wants the same thing... someone who lives for loving me as I live for loving them...

another hitchhiker who feels the passions of life, who cares about everything in the world, and who understands that it is for each one of us to create the world we want to live in... not by telling others how to do it, not by controlling, governing, or making rules... but by doing it... living it... sharing it... being it...

I want to be me because I love me... I feel good being me... I help others who cross my path as I wander through this world... that feels good... I give all I can because giving feels good... I don't have much to give anymore because I do not receive much because I know few people in the world who give as I do... and I stopped taking things because I do not enjoy taking things... I do not enjoy the aquisition games of this culture... and that is another part of my loneliness, for few choose the path I choose...

oh, about not wanting to be a public person... don't tell Meg Ryan, ok? (or any of my libido fantasies)... no seriously, if I met someone in the public eye and fell in love (and she fell in love with me, cuz it would not be quite what I am looking for if she didn't), I'd learn to live happilly ever after in the public eye... after all, I don't care who knows what about me, I'm just not looking to be famous or public... this diary is about sharing me in the hopes that someone, the one, might find me... that's always been the second reason for my seemingly endless writing... the first being releasing what is in my head in some mad dash to stay ahead of the insanity that sort of swamps me every now and then cuz I have no off switch inb my head and there's just so much to know and I want to know everything, but that's besides the point, I think...

this is my selfish entry, I suppose... after all, this is my diary, my place to let my mind wander wherever it will go (fixing a hole, and all that jazz, or rock, depending on personal preference)... and besides, some of you reading who have not already been exposed to this whining lonely child who lives inside of me might be curious to know that such a vulnerable baby does exist within and behind all these words... heck, this diary alone is approaching it's 1000th entry and I have many others... see the links on the left for more if you're crazy enough to want more...

my head hurts...

I think the first rush of adrenaline is starting to wear off... it lasted the better part of a week, so that's pretty amazing by most medical standards...

I could probably sleep for a week...

unfortunately, I've got to be back at work in about eight hours, so I should consider rolling into bed soon... I've got a feeling this is yet another of my unfinished entries... aren't we lucky?...

wharever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope you are making the best day out of today you can make of it (today) and if my babbling has not intrigued, amused, or otherwise held your attention, well, it really doesn't matter what I say cuz you're probably gone, unless you fell asleep and woke and wondered what was on your screen and read down here by accident, but whatever the reason for your reading this far down this page, or even if you didn't, I wish you the best day of your life...

at least until tomorrow...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)