I think her name is Dia... yes, I have mentioned her (and her sister) before... she's one of the two sisters in Meg and Dia and I want her to be a magical superstar so of course she will be... I have that power, you know... and she doesn't even have the thank me (it doesn't work that way... she may never know cuz that's the way magic works... sometimes)... but I wish she would...

most seriously (no really, for a moment I shall be most serious)...

if I was a much younger boy right now I would be following her and her band around groupie-style with so much reverence that I might even pass up on the masturbatory fantasies she could inspire if I just saw her as a sex object... I want her to be so much more than a sex object... I wish she would be more...

I am drifting through music, soaring on a voice, dancing with imagination...

kind of like I wanted Stevie Nicks to be much more than a sex object way back when I was writing letters to her... I still have some of those (her Ginny returned them to me because they contained rhymes because I write in rhymes but her Ginny explained that Stevie does not accept any lyric submissions and no matter how much I explained I was just writing to communicate and not trying to submit lyrics, Ginny stopped answering and started returning my letters unopened... it was quite heart-breaking to the young dreamer I was and I hardly ever wrote serious letters telling a singer or musician how much they inspired me ever again... oh dear, not another Tanner story... and no, I don't mean Full House either)...

I am digressing quite unintentionally (which is a sure sign of being in love)...

Meg and Dia were the darlings of the myspace Warped Tour tent at Warped Tour 2006... I stood there gawking at them... at her... yes, gawking... I gawked... I didn't even approach... I picked up their CD, which I could have had signed, but I put it down again... I just gawked... I must have been suffering from heat stroke... an idiot, I was... I could have talked to them... but I was lost in her eyes... my mouth dried up... my tongue went numb... I'm not sure just how long I stood there staring, but at least it wasn't long enough for Warped Tour security to step in... I hope I didn't freak her out...

I just gawked...

all the cool I ever might have had through this life suddenly abandoned me and I was three years old (cuz I was cool by the time I was four, you know) and fixated on her smile... her eyes... her face... her hat and sweaty body... and I remember almost nothing now except for those eyes and that smile... damn, not even a good memory of her body to turn her into a sexual plaything... it's not fair, really, because I should be able to fantasize about someone who makes me gawk in every way and here I am going pre-pubescent on my fool self...

you are laughing at me again, aren't you?...

well, I'm laughing at me, but then, I get me more than anyone else does (though she could have me as much as she wants in any way and that is so not how I meant me getting me, but sometimes it's just so funny {to me} to watch myself fall all over myself over someone I barely spent a half hour staring {no, gawking} at some seven weeks ago... yes, it's been seven weeks... but I just put the CD in the CD player and listened to the voice and the music for the first time since then and that is how magic happens for me, through music... I believe she'd understand)...

you don't have to love her or her music, but you will... enough of you will so that in a year she will be untouchable... and there I was, six feet away... I could have touched her... she'd have signed my CD and whatever else I wanted her to sign... I am officially old because I did not act on my impulse and drop everything and join Warped Tour right there just to spend the summer staring into her amazing eyes and wishing those beautiful lips would smile in my direction...

gawking, I tell you, I was gawking!...

the irony is how devoted to music I've been through this life (until the last few years when the music died because I, as Patti Dahlstrom once said so well, gave away the only place that I could land)... it's been too holy for me to even go near performing because that's too close to commercial in this culture and warped or not, somewhere in my brain I heard a voice telling me to keep it pure...

but for her... for her I would work for music... I would sing...

I could easily say I would carry her bags, kiss her feet, clean up behind her (and I would in a heartbeat in about a year and she made this fantasy real... oh you have no idea, really, but we can laugh anyway), but there is more profundity than words can explain in the moment right now... there are few times in this life (some never know one) that I have known the feeling of being ready to take the final leap... and this moment is as close as I've been since, well, since the last time I was here...

I could dash all hope with the reality of what does it matter? and throw realism at my gasping fool, but then, I don't want to depress myself or anyone so I won't... I'll let her take me where she wants me to go... if that is nowhere, well, as nothing said so recently, that is all...

if you only knew how serious I am...

she could wake me up inside... oh I know, it's up to me... I know, it's just a fantasy... but I also know nineteen stars... and she is my wish tonight... but what does all this mean... tomorrow it'll be a past entry... one of thousands here and other places... nobody will even read it if I upload another too soon and the source of the inspiration may never know... what good is wishing on a star if the star never knows, if no one ever knows... what is the point to all the love in the world if the object of the affection is only a fantasy... as the brilliant and slightly insane z0tl has asked me so poignantly, how many times can I write the same love some and make it feel like it's the first time ... especially when it's all in my mind...

infinity plus one...

and it may be just the beginning...

concerned citizens can feel free to caution me (or call me names), but there is so much more to be explored, said, written, felt, created, emoted, expressed, and shared... it could be, at the bottom line, that no one could take this serious (seriously) enough to reach me now... and I may be running out of life and loving every last moment of it in the best way I know how... and I didn't even get to the gym today... it may truly be madness a step or few out of touch with reality, but what is faith, anyway?...

I believe her life can save...

I believe her life could save me and I wish she would, oh, how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would... how I wish she would...

how I wish she would...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)