hey my peoples... you are my peoples, right?... I mean, you come here to my house and watch me spill my guts into these words, so I sure do hope you are my peoples and not somebody else's peoples, at least while you are here...

I love you... did you know that?... you ought to cuz I tell you often enough... I love you for being there and reading and even if I don't know you are there reading, I love you... it's just like that... and it's not even Valentine's Day or any sort of holiday, I just love you... love is just like that... and if you do let me know you are there, I love you... I can even send love back to you in words and other ways if you let me (if I ever remember how... oh dear... feeling concilatory now... and confessing... it's horrible, really, feeling the love and being so afraid to share it that forgetting how seems to be all too real... and if you understand that, I love you)... who sang I wanna know what love is... I used to know... who sang it and what love is, I mean... but even if I am actually dead and don't know it and have forgotten how to express my love and have no words to explain it, I love you...

in case you wanted to know, usually I do not have a desktop image because with 32MB of RAM and very little video memory (1MB I think), this little laptop gets it's limits tested every day without starting off with extra graphics... but every now and then someone creates a graphic or takes a photograph that calls out to the muses and inspires me to want to see it more often... on the first laptop, nocturna graced the screen for a while... she left the web world for a busy life offline (which was part of her inspiration) a couple of years ago (so while clicking on the image takes you to her website, it's empty at the moment, which is sad because she workes wonders with brushes and words)...

last week, or maybe two weeks ago, another image caught my eye and I found myself writing with the image in mind (some of the last half dozen pages in candora where influenced by the image... the line on my knees I take a stand came from it... the ethereal/spiritual quality of worship in the proposal and the submissive tone of needing and the undertone of prayer in all three came largely from the image)... it seemed natural for me that the hopelessly hopeful romantic poured the dream of unconditional love and trust into the picture... it is, as I see it, at once concilatory and confrontative as if to say, now what? as in ok, here I am on my knees looking you straight in the eye, now what?... or even more directly, here I am, I am yours, now what?... yeah, for you I get down on my knees and I look you in the eyes and ask, where do we go from here...

so anyway, this is how an image can grab my muses and inspire my imagination... I enter the image, I sing from the image, and the words flow as if from somewhere else, but almost always rooted (or at least connected, somehow) somewhere deep inside of me... as the faithful among you already know, it happened many times before in the romantic world of candora and most of the time I note it (usually by mentioning that I am falling in love again... perhaps what some do not get is that most of the time I am not falling in love with the person in the image, but with the idea that the image inspires in me)... but only a few times has the image reached my desktop... and this one did...

Rasputin just tried to fix the washing machine (yeah, finally... I know, I could have taken up the task, but it is his machine and it is best to let him tinker with it, especially since it's flooded the downstairs apartment and probably wasn't hooked up right in the first place by the movers and may even be damaged... I say get a professional (the heck with cost and other inconveniences, aye?) to take a look at it and hook it up, that way the apartment management won't send another eviction notice... yes, they apparently sent one after the machine flooded the downstairs apartment... I didn't see it, Raspy told me about it... he tends to get mad and throw things like that out and sometimes remembers to tell me)... anyway, most of the towels and sheets are soaked now and need washing and drying... apparently the pipes weren't tight enough and this was discovered after the tub filled with water.... some throwing things (like soaked dripping towels) and stomping around and cursing and not having the right tools later, and we still don't have a washer and hopefully the downstairs apartment did not get rained on this time... this is why I'd rather we call a washing machine repair guy or a plumber in spite of the cost and potential for buttcrack...

where were we?... ah yes, my narcissism... I was relating to you something about how the creative process works in me... it may seem unimportant now, but thousands of years from now scholars or archiologists or ten thousand monkeys could be deciphering these words in order to better understand twenty first century humanity... assuming, that is, that there is some...

what if each one of us took the time, a few minutes or even an hour or even a few hours each day to leave a legacy of words for posterity... would kids have to go to school for fifty years to absorb all the useless knowledge?... well, considering the life expectancy might be a few hundred years, fifty years of school would be great if you love school... I did not love school... I loved and still love learning, but school is not about learning... school is about processing and producing and preventing deviation and spewing out a product... yeah, school spews...

that's just one student's perspective, but since it's mine, I appreciate and respect it cuz it's right for me... everybody should figure out what is right for themselves (every one should figure out what is right for each self) and therein appreciate and respect it and themselves (each self)... or something like that... but that's just one human's perspective...

I am fairly well convinced that I am over television... I was a TV baby, having free access to the TV virtually 24 hours a day from the time I learned how to turn it on and change channels... this weekend the cable gods bestowed almost unlimited access on us... all the stations except the X-rated ones... I think that comes to about a gigabigazillion and seven... I scanned through every station a few times today, every few hours, and found nothing to hold my attention... my muses would be proud... are, my muses are proud... my grammar teachers would probably not be so proud, though... nor would my spelling teachers, I s'pose...

so music fills the background of the head-space today... still finishing the last CD stack (wow, the prior one only took a day or two)... but that is because I am not playing the CDs as ambiant space background music... I am playing them only through the headphones and there were many reasons to take the headphones off this past week (lots of Precious, and some other daily life people and stuff to do... the entries for the week will fill you in if you have the time and insatiable curiosity like me)... we're up to Madness (how appropriate)...

I finally got to the library today... they want almost a hundred dollars to settle accounts... the manager does not work Sundays, so I'm going to try to get in there in the next few days to see if I can get some credit since the primary cause was their turning off my account after turning it on due to something being returned that was sent out before I called and changed my address and therein received stuff from them through the mail and was able to access my account and renew everything and then suddenly they turned off the account but didn't tell me so when i tried to renew again everything was on hold and I couldn't get there in time so a hundred fifty items went a week or so overdue and that's a lot of dimes or quarters or whatever they charge per item per day these days... anyway, it's worth a try...

the nice girl at the desk renewed everything I still had out even though that took entering three passwords for each item because my account was supposed to be frozen and she had to override the freeze even on stuff that was on hold for other people (with apologies to the other people in Orlando waiting for those four items) so now I don't have more debt piling up each day and that was appreciated muchly... and the night just got better as then there was dinner at a place with Barn in it's name (yes, I've forgotten already) with work people celebrating one of the nurses (who got flowers) getting a new and better job in greener pastures... good buffet, great desserts... I shall dream of that chocolate mousse pie thing tonight...

oh, and when I got back, Precious tells me that Raspy calmed down enough to get the washing machine hooked up without leaks... hopefully that's permanently without leaks and I suppose I'll give it a good test tomorrow since I have about a dozen loads of wash to do (ummm, has it been six weeks?... yeah, and people mistake me for a girl?)... life is good...

so that, my peoples, was the day (and a few thoughts about this and that) in candoorland... much fun and drama and excitement and in the end, all is well... I hope your day was even more wonderful and turned out even better in the end... like with great sex and cuddling in addition to the amazing chocolate thing...

nite nite, dear readers J

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
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