LIFE

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last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


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CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
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FAT MAN WALKING
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last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
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bugmenot
global news matrix
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are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




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SEEING MORE OFTEN

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REFERENCE LIBRARIES

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all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
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hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
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something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
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this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
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Monday Madness
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(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-03-13 - 10:31 p.m.

music reminds me of where I've been


and surely the memories were brewing in this particular CD stack (you really need another link to find it?... well, roll back an entry or bunch and it's there... wait, I'll not be coy or flip or aloof about it, I'll create a diary just to help you find the CD stacks I refer to since musical influences are as much as part of the meanings in and between the lines of this diary and anything and I would like somebody to understand everything someday)... I'll be right back...

. o O ( a little while later ) O o .

ok, we're waiting for DLand to let me back in to it's serverland to complete creating the new diary where you will be able to find the music I am listening to and archives of the music I've listened to... and almost an hour later, we are still negotiating protocol and whatever with the servers which is frustrating as it breaks up the flow of the words (creativity or free-association or whatever we might find today)... since Andrew is providing the web space for free, I have no complaints, but it does nudge me a millimeter close to considering putting all my DLand diaries on my own domain... anyway, so I shall be back when the process is complete...

. o O ( and still later ) O o .

and here we are again... finally, what started as a side reference in the first paragraph is now another new diary that shall help organize the information I provide for your pleasure (or pain, but I sure hope most of you come here for pleasure)... now you can see the music that plays in my ears as life in black and white happens here at casa de candoor... excited?... ok, so I excite easily... let's just start this entry over, shall we?...

and surely the memories were brewing in this particular CD stack and as Todd Rundgren takes me back to high school the depths stir... many of the songs kick start memories, but it's song four, Hello, It's Me that knock me over and drag me out to the open lot semi-naked... ah, I almost miss the drugs...

anyway, it's one of the songs from Tape 72... see, long before there were mix CDs (in fact, before there were CDs, there were cassette tapes and cassette recorders and what we'd do (those of us interested in such activities, that is) is dig through our collection of vinyl records and pick out songs for one reason or another to put together on a cassette tape... and some cassettes were over two hours long (though those did not play well in most players and would even burn out the motor on cheaper ones)... me, I had top of the line equipment because music was my life (no my livelihood) and I'd explore ultra elite audiophile establishments for the perfect components for my system... eventually I recorded more than five hundred mix cassettes (right up until 1994 when CDs were well on their way to taking over and I put everything in storage and moved to Toronto)... I gave then numbers, chronologically and even if I gave them names, I associated them with their number most...

of the five hundred plus tapes, only a few dozen were destined to be the most personally meaningful soundtrack of this life as I've known it... of those with numbers under 100, only a half dozen or so could be called that important... Tape 72 was one...

so there we were, back in high school... you might remember Amy, who's been mentioned wherever I ramble... after we parted in epic fashion, in order to remember every song that was associated with the most profound high school romance ever conceived in the history of high school romances, paying homage to the perfect love that will never be quite so innocent or unscarred again, I put together Tape 72...

it was actually the last tape I made in New York before leaving for California, running away from the pain, the torment, the torture that was being in the same city and not being together (don'tcha just love the drama?)... so Tape 72 was sort of a memorial, though not really... it was sort of a record of the music of our personal bond, but more... it was my memories of Amy, the blessed good and the cursed bad...

Hello, It's Me was the numb aftershock... it was after I saw the light in her eyes... it was the night the lights went out in Georgia... it was the first opening of my eyes and realizing that maybe, just maybe Amy and I were not going to spend the rest of our lives devoted to each other... maybe I think too much, but something's wrong... oh, the verse was torture to even begin to conceive as possible... this song in particular include the other relationships of those wild and crazy years, it was the crossover to Shari... my best friend... Amy's best friend... and the third point in the triangle of youthful bliss we somehow carved out of the polygon that was our community explorations in sensual pleasures...

how many times have I told you this story already?...

ok, the brief one minute abridged version... saw Amy, fell in love at first site, Amy introduces me to Shari because Shari saw me and fell in love at first site (we'll leave Barb, my long time girlfriend at the time I met Amy, out of this as it would take more than a minute if I included her... she is still one of the most beautiful people I ever knew)... complications...

I gave myself to Amy... Amy, virtuous and a selfless friend, gave me to Shari... Amy commanded, I obeyed (teenage hornball that I was, even if my heart did not follow every utterance from Amy's lips with eternal devotion and instant obeyance {obeyance?... is that a word?}, I'd have found it challenging to resist Shari's advances as she was right for my libido in so many ways)...

two weeks after giving me to Shari, Amy wanted me... too... her command was don't hurt Shari, let's all share... unfortunately, we didn't tell Shari and almost a year later the intensity of juggling emotions and started overwhelming us... and Amy wanted more exclusivity... so one icy rainy night as November turned into December, I decided everybody should know everything... it did not end badly, it just ended wrong...

I ended up with Shari as Amy's selfless side overwhelmed her selfish side and she gave up all rights to me (hey, I was their property, ya know?)... I tried to be the good boyfriend, but just could not get past my first falling in love at first site with Amy that was never there with Shari and left the city, the state, and in many ways, the planet (those drugs I mentioned earlier)...

my mistake was running away... not pursuing my heart's desire (which was literally right in my own backyard) in the first place and then, after all was exposed... I set off to see the wizard and met lots of interesting characters along the way, but never did find my heart's desire... alas, maybe the story will still have a happy ending someday... there's always hope, after all (I hope)...

and I learned stuff too... I learned that the relatively rigid rules of intimacy in our culture are mostly fear based and fear can dramatically change minds and create polar behaviors... that is, what we know is inside and what is happening outside can be very different... the mind goes one way due to fear that the heart will not be understood or even hurt if it is allowed to go in the direction it wants to which is the opposite direction... fear stops people from following their dreams, from acting upon feelings...

I learned that I can be comfortable in a polygamous relationship, but that I am happiest in a monogamous relationship with someone my whole self instinctively chooses... the intensity is much greater in the monogamous bond and the risk for potential loss is much higher... if scarier is more exciting, then maybe that's one reason I love the idea of a single the one soulmate in whom everything is invested cuz I embrace fear and use it to increase the power and value of feeling and trust and love...

like I said, I learned stuff...

and so anyway, it was during that spaced out journey away from everything that I put together Tape 72 because I knew that I would want a reminded someday of the best and worst, the whole experience of that moment of this life as I've known it... and yes, Todd took me back there... good grief, I am an emotional puddle and loving every minute of it (and that is the laughter you may not see even between the lines sometimes... the child inside who loves the experience for the experience's sake, win or lose... the child who laughs at the grown up dramatics and soap opera lives we live, yeah, me too at times)...

but seriously and back in today's world, I did learn that hiding things creates a mess, so I no longer hide myself or my emotions in this life... it was the one critical test of honesty and I never again lies to another person in this life (I think... at least not in any relationship or meaningful matter... of that I am most certain)... I think that is one reason I am alone, because people seem to want something less than completely open honesty and fearless exposure of everything... it's not that I am fearless, it's just that I do not let fear get in the way of making the most of life, sharing the most I can share, giving the most I can give, and being as completely real as I can be...

if it makes sense to no one else, it makes sense to me...

and that's the peace and happiness and security that keeps me sleeping comfortably and hopeful that it's never too late for dreams to come true... life's lonely in some profound ways, but it's still a celebration most of the time...

and love is still the answer...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >




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the moment

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