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2004-06-01 - 12:26 a.m. and the next day, more of the same sheesh, DLand is definitely not cooperating with this uploading marathon as we try to catch up on the past week as it is taking minutes to upload each entry and a dozen or more clicks to get another empty box to enter another new entry... but then, I pay for other diaries, not for this one, so I have nothing to legitimately complain about... in fact, one of the things I am thinking about this week is whether I should pay for my other diaries... I am fairly certain I am letting one go to free status... and then there is the first I created here at DLand, candora... paying gets stats and those are interesting and sometimes I can use the ego stroke that knowing how many people visit the site each day can provide... but paying extra for the comments and webspace doesn't make sense since I don't upload pictures (therefore do not use the extra webspace) and I rarely get a comment (it's easier to leave a tag or note than to click and comment specifically on a specific entry, I suppose... even though a comment gives some sort of specific immortality for posterity to your reaction to the individual entry and tags and notes gradually slip off the screen into cyber oblivion... rarely are there comments, so why pay the extra, I ask myself)... but that's a side note that comes up because I was waiting for the server to upload the last entry and then give me a blank box into which I can type this entry... we are still catching up on the week that was... and how was yours?... and now it is June... it's actually been June for a few days, but this entry is filling in for the first, so it is now June for the first time this year, except for the actual entry for today (which by now, is yesterday, but we'll get into that later) that kind of started this marathon of entries that are catching up with the entry which will be after the marathon that would be tomorrow when this started but is actually going to be today when we finally get to it... time passes so quickly when it's looked back on and so slowly when it's spent alone looking for something to do and someone to do it with... anyway, I see that Terminator 3 is finally coming to cable... I never did get to see it in theatres cuz nobody I know wanted to go see it (same with the second and third Matrix films and most Disney and kid-type films and a few others)... alas, T2 is one of my favorite action-type movies, but my few offline friends are busy and I let them make the decisions about what movies to see and what to do as there are many interests I enjoy... there's a selfish component to that decision as, because they always choose, I feel no obligation to go with them if I do not want to and therein can say no without any repercussions or guilt if I was prone to guilt (which I am not)... there's a tib bit of information about me... see, you never know when you might find out something that might matter to you... in real time, Point of No Return just started on the TV... interesting premise... definitely male eroticism, the helpless beautiful female tomboy street-urchin powerless and completely submissive imprisoned against her will and yet morally justified because she is an immoral murderess (don't you love the way moral people justify immoral acts against immoral people as if immoral people give moral people the right to be immoral?... quite a symbiotic balance there, huh?)... anyway, this girl turned into the high-class princess (toss Pygmalion into the salad) super-secret agent assassin who, of course, becomes a hero and falls in love with her captor/trainer who was once just like her, or so he claims... anyway, great face and body (for my eyes at least, there's more info, isn't it?... well, she looks so much like someone I loved very dearly in every way once upon a time) to glance up at... and a thrill for the rebel child and imagination in me who plays in a world of infinite possibilities and without rules... I remember relating to the supermarket scene in this film before... the freedom of being able to pick out anything I wanted from the shelves of a supermarket after living on the street completely ouside of what we call normal society for a while... it is an amazing feeling to have dropped out of life into being a non-entity with no means of self-support and then one day having the means to buy something again... it is all a matter of levels, really... I mean, some people can walk into anywhere, a Ferrari dealer, Tiffany's, anywhere and buy anything they want... and most get a similar feeling with a ceiling, that is, they choose stores where they can do the same and ignore the stores that are beyong their budget... but the bottom level of the material society, having nothing at all and not being able to buy anything anywhere, that is at once humbling and liberating (especially if you can appreciate an existential perspective as I can)... but to lose (or give up) the ability to feed one's self and get in line in a free-food place, that is a challenging place to be, a challenging experience to live through... and then, being able to walk into a supermarket and pick up an item off a shelf and pay for it and walk out and feed yourself, that is somehow just as liberating as giving up the material world... and I wonder how many people can truly understand that... and I wonder how many might look as healthy, sensual, sexy and... ah, the distractions and philosophical ponderings and sensual amusements of a Saturday night at casa de candoor... meanwhile, what day were we catching up on, anyway?... I think it's Tuesday, but it is not Belgium... now can you name that reference?... it was another night at work, another day at the gym, and more time spent with Precious as she has the summer off from school and has nothing much to do but sit around the living room watching TV and talking on the phone and when I look up and interested, talking to me... no beautiful girls racing my heart (or hormones) through my body, no romantic inspirations seducing my soul to reach for the stars again, no motivating partner to do anything much with life other than enjoy just passing through it... but I am still heading to the gym, remembering that I am still alive in a physical body, and hopeful (for as much hope as I have left) that I'll find a partner in crime again someday and start life all over again for the first time... and until then, here we are spending out nights together... is that ok?
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