I have this distant sense that some people have missed me, even though I haven't heard much from anybody (other than a few hopeful friends, which is my definition for strangers) in the past week and I've been drifting in and out of my mists myself, but there's a clearing just ahead that is placing a rather unsatisfying thought right before my eyes and that thought is I do not have anyone in this world today (at least not anyone who is in touch with me today) who actually misses me in an intimate every breath we take way... far from it, I mean, the phone barely rings twice a week... and having lived through a few amazing relationships that were live-and-breathe, do-or-die to be with each other every possible moment kind of relationships, I know the feeling and no amount of numbing down (or dumbing down) has eliminated that feeling from my heart and mind and soul and wherever else it might enter and take over and dominate and compel me to want it stronger than any addiction to anything I could ever imagine (and I've tried most everything and nothing can replace it)... so maybe what these two, and now three rather long and possibly run-on sentences are trying to say is that I am lonely, but if the words did not fail me then perhaps they convey the depth of that feeling, the seemingly senseless dissatisfaction with anything, no matter how pure or true or wonderful it may be, that is not that every-moment-intensity...

but I am no fool... well, at least not a complete fool... for I know that every note you leave, every email I receive, every word you send me in comment or guestbook or through snail mail or voicemail any way... every word... every bit of tangible energy you share with me keeps me alive... even the thank you tags from relative strangers for the notes and comments and touches I leave for you mean so much more to me than the silences between contacts... you bless me with your time and attention...

if I knew how to thank you enough to give you some sort of wonderful wonder-filled feeling that would inspire you to want to come by and leave me a little love or sugar or a breath of life or whatever we might call a few words of encouragement and contact every day, I would do exactly that... for I want you to feel as good as I do when you leave me a few words... so I keep trying to find the right words to tell you...

somewhere out there you sit staring at your computer screen... maybe it's a nice big 20+ inch screen on your desk in your study or office... maybe it's a left-over 15 inch dustball sitting on a stand in a crowded kitchen or bedroom or living room or one room apartment... maybe it's a laptop warming your lap in bed or in a comfortable chair... maybe you're at a library or somewhere else without home access at all, or temporarily... I've been there... I've been on the street plugged into an outdoor outlet in a park with an old gifted laptop that still sits barely working next to my bed today, a memory of much more challenging times when the internet was a lifeline of hope that there were still ways to connect with people and find the few people in this world who might be on my wavelength, who might actually come close to understanding all of me... who might care to, want to, and be able to share the intimacy of knowing and wanting every moment...

maybe you just clicked through casually, randomly, on your way to another site or even on your way to nowhere... just clicking to pass the time... but if you've read this far, then maybe a word or few here has touched you and given you a kernel of thought, an inkling of feeling, a reason to maybe want to know more...

well, here's hoping for more... I currently write in at least six different places (each letter a place) on a regular, sometimes daily basis... they are places for six different aspects of my pesonality, six different ways of relating to the world, six different... what?... facets of the rough cut gemstone I might be, or someday be, or once was... and there is more, a lot more...

but who will ever share it all...

that is what I want most in this world... to share everything I am and can be with someone who can and will share everything they are with me... all the time... ah, time, always the elusive entity... always too much when there's nothing to do, when fear or loneliness dominate... and always too little when the hunger to share is overwhelming and the hope to share is strong... as it is now... I feel you out there... I know you are reading... I can not thank you enough... I wish you were here... at least I have your notes... the hunger would truly be unbearable without them...

I wish I had more time during the week to tell you...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)