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2006-03-29 - 3:06 p.m. my mind is weary now on the razor's edge it stands forging glass from shifting sands streams of color burning through blinding light collects in hue stunning eyes so fraught with pain willing pleasure, come again maybe if we go insane or make magic in a brain more than words can say, thank you more for your feedback on my last entry... and recent entries... if you missed recent entries, last week we experienced tragedy behind the candoor and as is my way here, the words flow freely to express the life in black and white... there is ugliness in pain, but beauty in expressing honesty... and that is how healing can begin... avert your eyes if you must, but consider returning after the storm when the fun returns... long time readers, you know I shall return (tomorrow morning, even)... hopefully you shall too... the silliness may be buried deep in these recent entries that carve their way through the darkness to the light, but the passion for life and love and irreverence is still strong and shall rise above the challenges to continue the daily babbles for the fun of self expression and blah blee blah blah blee blah, amusement... life is pain... anyone who tells you otherwise is lying... who said that?... I know I heard it recently, very recently (and I don't, for this moment, mean metaphorically), and the source slips my mind... it's a movie line, I think, so a search of the imdb is in order... maybe tomorrow... in any case (so much for distraction)... so the pain is what proves we are alive... the pleasure too, no doubt, but to enjoy the pleasure we must endure the pain... to know love we must endure the loss... for everything comes to an end sometimes... everybody's gonna lose sometimes... there's a song lyric... it slips my mind... and the love you take is equal to the love you make... the title of this entry, in case you missed it, is the opening line from JC Superstar... and I return to the words of that Tim Rice masterpiece whenever I feel life's sad and bitter side a bit too much... and I only want to say that if there is a way to take this cup away from me for I don't want to taste it's poison, feel it burn me, I have changed, I'm not as sure as when I started... then I was inspired, now I'm sad and tired, after all I've tried for three years... feels like ninety... seems like an eternity sometimes... the neediness of humanity is so amazingly immense, so profoundly intense, and when I am not imitating to fit in and mocking myself for doing so, it is all illusion to me... so rarely do I find someone who keeps their own counsel, who is content within, who is happy just being alive, just being... so often I meet people who suck energy and life and joy and love as if they can not create their own... and I am a giver, it is my nature and pleasure to give and while those who know me best will say without hesitation that I appear to be (without end) supply of energy and love (and all ego tripping aside, I am humbled by such recognition as I know I will die sometimes and fail now and then), there is a point of fatigue I reach where I wonder why it all goes out and so rarely comes in... and loves lies bleeding... in these rare moments when I am not playing games with words, as I sit back to assess my experience in this life, I see an analogy to electricity in my experience as it feels as though I am a positive pole always sending out electrons and I have yet to meet another like me as there are so many negative poles sucking in the electrons, but to complete the analogy we must complete the circuit so where do the electrons I send out come from... strum your guitar, sing it kid... so many theories on that one, spiritual and physical, but I accept not knowing the answer for sure and do my best to enjoy what is... the pleasure in the feeling of the giving... but one day I would like to experience the pleasure of the sharing and, I think, perhaps, the receiving... and the love you fake is equal to the love you break... there is a negative pole within me too (I believe we all have the yin and yang, the energy out and energy in aspects of our being) and while I learned early on how to redirect my own electrons to satisfy the hunger at that negative pole, it is still not as much pleasure as sharing the flow of energy can be... and there, when I look out from my well self-contained peace and happiness for what more there can be in this physical life, I feel what we call loneliness... all I've got is time, nothing else is mine... it is a physical manifestation, for ethereally I am one with everything and that feeling is the purest security, pleasure, and passion I've ever know (and probably the source of the positive energy that seems without end in me), but as a physical manifestation is becomes an emptiness, an ache for another to share the experience of this physical life... and in that ache grows a longing and in that longing grows a sorrow for the potential lost, the time passing without sharing... and I can lament much in such sadness... but then it is not my nature to linger in sorrow for long for I know that the pendulum of emotion swings from side to side, the circle of life rolls round and round, and the point of life is the enjoy it, to make everything fun whenever possible and at all times, to make everything meaningful (even the most nonsensical fun or seemingly vegetative acts or non-acts, for letting go and spacing out is for the consciousness like sleep is to the physical mind and body, part of the cycle of good health)... and so I sleep... I sleep dreamless at times like these, for dreams are for happier times... not for times of profound loss and I do not enjoy nightmares so I do not encourage them and they rarely come to my mind... I sleep because sometimes this body and the energy that is me benefits from and perhaps needs rest... it is a deeper rest I seek now, but this is not a good time to be leaving a job and letting go... perhaps in a year and a half when Precious starts college... or perhaps I wait for someone else to be strong so I may experience, just once, what it is like to rest on another's energy... once there was a way... and dreams of better days at times like these when sorrow weighs a ton and work is never done and passion doesn't come and all I feel is numb beneath heart ache I can get lost in the words and music when it plays at times like these I remember good times in gently flowing rhymes and peace embraces me relieving misery until I wake to feel the wonder of all there is to feel the euphoria, the glory of knowing love is real and the loss of love as life comes to an end all this is living when we don't pretend to feel the power of emotional refrains the heart's song is made of pleasures and pains and just when you feel that all good has come to an end come get lost in words with me and let your dreams become your friend and sleep until you wake and know the peace again each end is just a way to start again so I get lost in the words as once there was a way at times like these while many look elsewhere or fall to their knees my great escape requires only as wings will lift the birds the trust I place in how I can feel the words I find myself again though it may sound absurd I find myself as get lost in words I find myself when I get lost in words to get back home... word... the rhymes are my meditation, the writing my chi, ka, pa... chikapa, whatever that is... chikapa, anima, what you are, what you are... body, mind, spirit, nature, family... and within it all as one each finds a new identity... the will to be must struggle with conformity... and fear questions reality, but are we really free?... we're all part of the cycle of eternity... so let tonight be yours, become your fantasy... in sleep, in dreams, you can rest and see... in dreams, sweet dreams, they key... in dreams you find, in dreams rests your humanity... boy, you're gonna carry that weight... a long time... and as if through golden slumbers, a smile awakes me as I rise and I wake refreshed and renewed with a giggle (and that's not gas either, though my tank does metaphorically feel full again) to be here, reborn with the hope in my heart (that I'll never walk alone) that everything begins in each moment and in this moment the giving is easy again and at any moment the sharing can begin... and the love you save is equal to the love you gave... still living that year I promised myself, still feel like I owe it to someone... the first cut is the deepest, baby I know... once in love with Amy... and a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet... call her Bobbie, call her Sue... call her Linda, nothing's new... call her Sandy, call her Gail... call her Dawn, wind in your sail... call her mother, child, or god... whatever name, it's not that hard... love foists on it's own petard... and there only was one choice...
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