well, the last entry's been up all day and if you missed it, that's just our luck and only shows to go ya... or just... you could look back at it, it's still there... more amazing entries are lost and never read that way... alas, mourning comes early... in any case, we're into a new entry now, quite floating in a tin can, too...

of course I probably should not be so impulsive, I mean, to just fall in love at the drop of a link like I do... click click, and I'm hooked, without explanation or logical reasoning, just a feeling I get when i look to the west, or something like that... it is astounding how my instincts let me believe in a total stranger based on a few thousand words... sometimes even just a few hundred... and every now and then, just a few... no reason at all, I tell you, just this feeling that sort of feels like slipping into a bowl of warm jello after rolling through snow for hours or even diving into a large barrel of soft serve ice cream after running a marathon on a summer day... pudding, chocolate pudding... the music of the night... irresistible seduction unexplainable attraction unbelievable hunger and then, laughter... wonderful communion... it's that magical bonding between two people when trust blossoms into a believable understanding and two people can honestly relate to each other laughing and mutually feeling, "fuck'em if they can't take a joke" even if, because we leap into that trust so suddenly and completely, the joke is on us... if that just increases the laughter and all is forgiven and the bonding is all the better...

oh, if you'd only believe like I believe, we'd get by...

the saddest feeling of all is the sudden rejection by someone who was, up until that moment, fawning and bubbling over with enthusiasm and expressions of belief in the heart and mind and soul and that person convinces you that they care about you and have the patience to put up with your doubts and prove how much the care and believe in you and just when you start believing them, they find something you did or said to drop you like a hot potato and just like that, disappear, never to sparkle with any sort of caring or attention again... I see people do that to each other a lot and when it happens to me, it reinforces my doubts about believing people who put on a great show of loving and caring and having a wonderful heart and convincing everyone, from a distance at least, that they are supportive and beautiful people...

our mailboxes and message places are full of them... asparagus too, and cabbage... lots of cabbage... the mistake is making the mistake, or something like that... when you realize that what is real is what you know over time, space, and a good lasagna, then you'll be fine... really, you must know that you can only know what you know and even then, you can only be as sure as you really want to be and the trouble with that is you can change your mind and suddenly, everything you know is wrong (but don't go quoting Firesign Theatre just yet)...

maybe I must come to the conclusion that people who know how to throw up walls suddenly can not be trusted, just so I don't go thinking that nobody can be trusted... or maybe I'll just keep doing what I do, which is take each person as they come and believe what I see... after all, I am entitled to fool myself just as much as they are... I just don't blame anyone but myself when I am disappointed... that's the difference between accepting the illusions we live as the illusions they are and demanding others conform or die... ah, when I think of all the good people who, at least in their minds, have sent me to some horrible place they call hell, I must wonder how many different ways there are to define the word and concept we call good...

meanwhile, between the giggles and guffaws and coming back to the point as if there was one, we already know what a sucker I am for a beautiful face, but dam dam dam dam dam (how many are there, anyway?... in the song, I mean... you know, when he's become accustomed to her face?... oh, the sheer irreverence of the seriousness of the absurdity of the juxtaposition of the conceptualizations of the references and whomever might follow any)... and I don't mean typical cultural stereotype beauty either (oh really?... what were we talking about, anyway?), I mean personal history heavily influenced by what my first true love looked like type beauty (oh, yes, a mystery... or even amy... huh?), but over the years online, sometimes I don't even have to see a face to fall obsessively in love with some image I have in my head of what a beautiful heart and soul and mind, above all else what a beautifully free and creative and insightfully intelligent mind that particular someone who is putting some words online might have...

of course I know it is all illusion, word.

what was that about a joke?... if I bite, the hardest bite is always reserved for me... when I appear confrontation, I am confronting myself... if you personalize my words, that is your choice, but if you find any negative energy aimed at you in my words, it is your illusion for there is no negative energy aimed at you in any of my words... when I demand logic or reason or hard cold reality, it is of me I demand it... when I state my truth, it is for me first... if that offends you, ask yourself why, for only you know (and if you are pointing in any other direction, including mine, you are looking for your answers in the wrong place)...

everything is illusion, read more Richard Bach...

try some James Redfield... some Samuel Beckett... some Jean-Paul Sartre, perhaps... even Nietzsche... Kafka?... Kierkegaard?... and how existential can your mind perceive?... can you live?... and if you get the joke, move on to Robert Heinlein... and for a good time, try Douglas Adams... or take a walk with Neil Gaimen... listen to the words of every Pink Floyd song... and maybe Radiohead... cross Green Day with Oasis and get Madonna (testing your imagination, perhaps?)... have you ever stopped laughing and taken George Carlin seriously?... or Lenny Bruce? (what joke?... was there a joke?... is it madness when you are laughing alone and still enjoying the sound of your own laughter?)... what if Alice Cooper and Frank Zappa were the aborted brothers of Roger, Peter, and John's (The Who) Tommy?... would that prove anything? (come on, where is your mind?... have you lost your imagination?)... and if you really heard the words Metallica screamed before you went deaf, you might understand why heavy metal is called heavy... not always, but not never either... just because it's angry, that doesn't mean it's a waste of time... or bad for you, even... and raindrops on roses... it is highly probably that half of everything Robin Williams says goes over half the heads listening and the other half goes over the other half... and if John Lennon and Kurt Cobain wrote a song, what would it sound like?... come down to ground zero with Carl Sagan and Charles Dickens and Harry Chapin and Jackson Browne...

most everyone I've ever met is looking for the way out, while I am looking for the way in... usually, we find what we are looking for... the sad joke is that most people seem to fool themselves into believing they want to trust and love and get to know the real you, but for whatever reason they don't get there... most of the time I think that is because they do not have the patience or courage to accept that most of the journey is through the unknown and it is easier to jump to conclusions, accept assuptions, and settle on believing in a trust that is not really based on knowing... the usual outcome there disappointment... that's the way out built into the way... as opposed to remaining open and honest...

did somebody say something about a roller coaster?...

and if you understood every undertanding I understood in every reference and everything I've read and written, you still would only scratch the surface of understanding me, for I have not gone much deeper than that myself... everything is relative, with or without a formula to prove it...

faith does not have to be ignorant, faith does not have to be blind, faith can be full of knowledge, real empirical knowledge, knowledge that does not need to be beyond our grasp... if you dare open your mind to the infinite possibilities and do not get trapped in one exclusive thought pattern, you give yourself the best chance we can have in this life...

space travel is for philosophers, all that room to think...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
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