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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2004-06-30 - 6:50 p.m.

maybe I should have done acid...


ok, it's a new morning and I obviously have the pattern down pat... what pattern, you might ask... well, the pattern of mind-control that I play on myself so I react to this roller coaster life with a roller coaster of emotions without even having the think anymore... or at least not think much about it... see, I paused in the exercise again and indulged taste buds the last few days and what do we see?... cynicism disguised as humor (or is it humor disguised as cynicism?... maybe it depends on which cheek my tongue is in, huh?... no visuals, please)...

work fit right into the picture (or was that a pattern... selectively irreverent short term memory is exceptionally important to this process, in case you did not know)... as the manipulative LPN Ratchet (though the character in the film was more honest, intelligent, and realer) continues to use the fact that nobody is around to see her self-important games and poor decisions based on keeping herself from having to get out of her chair (first) and making herself look not just indispensible, but the boss-savior who knows-it-all (second) once again fascilitated a mess this morning that sent the day shift nurse (RN) home in tears (not kidding) and created a dangerous situation for a few of the kids... she already bad-mouthed the evening nurse into putting in her resignation... since the system is geared to treat nurses like gods and disregard facts and ignore everything that isn't a broken squeaky wheel (and only deal with those when they have to), anyone who takes initiative has the power... and LPN Ratchet has one proficient skill, which is to sit back and manipulate others until confusion and animosity surrounds her and nobody knows exactly why...

the manager is an absentee, for the most part, and she's aware of the situation because I told her six months ago, but she fits in with the management style so does nothing unless she has to and listens to the loudest voices (which are the laziest and most manipulative) and the good people continue leaving... besides, even with her Masters degree and supposed therapist credentials, I don't think she really understood the interpersonal dynamics I described to her about what LNP Ratchet actually does... so even if she wanted to buck the system and care and be a proactive manager (they get rid of those quick), she probably doesn't have the management tools to do it...

so I do what I can within the limits of the system and from my position on the food chain... I work behind the scenes directly with directors (which irritates the LPN, since she sees the respect they give me and I suppose feels threatened because I am not playing in her games and the manager just nods obliviously when my name is praised by a director at their weekly meetings)... this month the project is create a new auditing system for the facility and we are close to meeting the goal for having the system (and forms and instructions/training guides, which I wrote and am revising tonight) in place and running by the first week of July... staff training will be the next step...

I am waiting for the managers who asked me to train their staff in the behavioral data audit system I set up a few years ago (that everyone did their best to ignore in spit of weekly praise from the doctor/CBA in charge... apparently she finally insisted that everyone start using the tracking system I use on my unit)... the staff are probably ignoring their managers, which is the status quo since the staff are used to the managers telling them to do something and then not following up to hold them accountable so it seldom gets done... that is why i told the managers who asked that I would train their staff when they came to me and set up a training time, since it is for them to initiate being ready for the training and not for me, being at the bottom of the food chain, to act as though I am in charge and have the power/right to change the system and tell peers what to do...

it's a delicate balance to keep a good rapport with my peers and hold the managers accountable (and requires a touch of selectively playing dumb on my part), but it's the only way to survive in the system as it is...

now perhaps you understand the coda at the end of the last entry...

meanwhile, back in the life... did I mention I saw Around The World In Eighty Days with three co-workers last night? (see, relationships with peers improving in spite of LPN Ratchet's long term attempts to divide, disrupt, and conquer and the management mess and my high level connections, which LPN Ratchet tries to use to foster paranoia among my peers and it worked for a few months until intelligence and trust prevailed over her lies and manipulations)... a typically funny Jackie Chan comedy (if you like Jackie Chan films, you should like this one)... I had popcorn and cherry coke for dinner (large, though I didn't finish it... my evil food weaknesses continue to laugh at me as I drag my feet returning to optimal physical condition)...

a week-night movie left use sitting around laughing about trying to stay awake as the night at work progressed... they got very little done and I got less done than I'd have liked, but fun is part of the working equilibrium... and all week we've been majoryly understaffed due to several kids requiring close observations (which means sitting at their door) and a whole lot more attention in the morning... been a challenging week, but that's why i chose to field and in spite of the undermining LPN and inept absentee management, the rewards are there for me...

I expect to hear questions and complaints from the manager about my staying overtime since I stayed seven hours so far this week... after the fact, she tends to forget or ignore the fact that I was asked to stay by nurses in charge because they were short staffed because her superiors are beating her up about budget overruns for the quarter and so she turns a blind eye to patient needs until the heat about overtime goes down, which it does between quarterly reports when management tries to mandate overtime so they don't get caught with their pants down if auditors check on staffing ratios...

ah, the delights of short-sighted systems...

I suppose I could have said miopic if I wanted to sound intelligent, but then, what if I spelled it wrong or forgot and got the word wrong and then wouldn't I look like a foolish poser...

so I didn't...

besides, alliteration aggravates altoids...

altoids is a code name for something, but I wouldn't want to be negative and shallow like some dumb name-calling people I won't mention (am I getting too snarky for you?... well, I'm laughing so it balances everything out... or something like that)... just accept that altoids deserve aggravation and all will be well...

I bought socks last night because I haven't done laundry in several weeks and ran out of clean black socks... I've got plenty of clean white socks, especially since I've not gone to the gym daily for the past two weeks, but I prefer not to wear short whites socks to work mostly because there are spiders and other critters at work that bite exposed angles when feet sit in one place too long and the mind is distracted by work or reading... I also don't need to give the kids an uncool signal and short white sports socks with long pants is a fashion taboo these days, again, I suppose... and I have no white sneakers... Michael Jackson did make white socks with black pants and shoes ok for a while I guess, but his power of cool has been diminished by his rather careless bedroom habits... I suppose I should do laundry...

I was almost late for the movie because the express line at the store was not expressing itself at all... in fact, it was as if the people in the line and the check out girl had never handled money or debit cards or checks or cash register computers or interpersonal relations or the human language before... very surreal to watch...

but I wasn't late for the movie and enjoyed it...

I fell asleep early this morning and woke several times as sleep was not consistent today, partly because I've slacked on exercise (probably mostly), but possibly because other things are on my mind too... yeah, I know, how could anything else fit, huh?...

I should go to the gym...

so anyway, the TV was on when I came out here and the background naise for this entry is SLC Punk!, so maybe that explains a lot... or nothing... but it did remind me of the first time I did LSD, which was a typically impulsive act of irreverently rebellious youth as my school-buddy from Ft. Sam Houston (Army days) sent me a letter that I opened as I got to my evening shift at the emergency room (I was a paramedic at the time)... it was one of his typically divergent letters that sometimes resembled heiroglyphics and yet make sense to us at the time... at the bottom of the letter was a bandaid that had the following words written on it: "in case of emergency: eat this"... so I did... somewhere on the other side of the page he mentioned that the bandaid was soaked in LSD and I should be careful where I do it...

ummmm...

ok...

I still have vivid memories of minutia from that evening, trips in the evelator, which was formerly the elevator, a fascinating experience into the cosmos of bodies moving through space and time, subcutaneous sutures, toenail fungus, gaping head wounds, nine little toes, the eye with the tree stuck in it, the dead, the blood, the sweat, the tears, the cries, the lights and sounds and scents and... and flirting nurses and the panties they didn't wear, and the pathos of the injured and sick all looking to us as if we were gods who would make their world all better... an emergency room is a weird place...

anyway, I am happy you joined me today because I was falling apart (bad pun, did you notice?)... the evening is ahead and I will probably regret not sleeping enough when I start nodding off at work later and once again do not get any of my library book (Stephen King's sixth in the Dark Tower series, still) read (and it's due in a few days), but I am awake now so I think I'll explore awakeness...

so have a nice day, ok?






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