at this moment in time (reminding myself that things change and the worst things sometimes get better all by themselves) I am pondering what it would be like to suddenly turn off the internet connections and walk away from the computers...

this thought comes about because, at this moment, my little laptop is suffering from persistent hard drive failure, which means everything on it might be lost if I do not figure out a way to retrieve the documents and information, which means passwords to many places might be gone forever and email access requires setting up accounts on this desktop which means a lot of time consuming work in figuring out filters because the primary filter was separating the accounts on two different computers...

so, for the moment, email to most addresses is not accessible... notices about notes or comments left are not accessible... access to many of my online accounts is not available... for all intensive purposes, for many places I may be known, for all those who might have known me there, I may just disappear...

I have not given up on retrieving the important data from the laptop... at the moment I've paused in my attempts because the laptop reboots before I can access the files I need and email them to myself on this desktop... I don't know if it's some sort of virus or worm or other bug or simply hard drive failure, but it is frustrating...

so I contemplate what would happen if there was suddenly no internet in my life... if suddenly there was no diaryland or live journal or any of the public writings that you and others read... if suddenly there was no more feedback, no more communication... if suddenly all of you, and I, did not exist...

awesome thought with many implications and permutations...

ok, so I should have backed up the files on the laptop more often... and maybe depending on eight year oild equiptment is a set up for this sort of system failure and potential sudden disappearance... maybe it's a way to limit commitment... to remain transient... to remain alone...

yipes...

always ready to die?

it could be that, ultimately, I am not connected to anything real, that is physical in the offline world, in this life enough to invest in the belief that anything matters...

perhaps not working or seeing the people from work, coupled with the hard drive failure and possible loss of much contact and web access, and the fact that Precious has been gone for a couple of weeks, leads to this rather lifeless and very disconnected thought...

what would happen if everything changed... if suddenly everything I've known was gone and I started all over, a complete stranger in a new place...

am I using this thought to dig deeper?..

am I using the bonding I do here on the internet to substitute for the bonding I used to do in the physical world?... is this sense of potential loss of connection, this sense of missing all of you and the person I am as a rambling writing on the public net just the tip of the feeling I am sensing inside?... is the depth, the scary feeling being avoided the loss of the physical sharing, the ache of missing the eye contact and physical touches and intimacies of trusting someone in the physical space?...

fuck me...

excuse me if that offends, but this is definitely not a pleasant moment... at this moment, ya know...

am I self-deluding so well, so deeply, that I am living a self-induced hallucinagenic existence, a delusion within a delusion?...

deeper?...

maybe I'm amazed...

maybe I want to be amazed...

am I that bored?...

how long has it been since I looked into eyes that sustained my attention for more than a few minutes?... moments?... even online, it is so rare that I find an image of eyes that I want to stare into... and eyes are not everything, but the most powerful starting point I've ever known...

and everyone looks away...

there was once great feeling about this... an immense despair, a tragic sense of loss, an agony that the word loneliness could not begin to describe...

now there is acceptance...

and yet...

complacency?...

have I given up on actualizing the dreams I write about here and in other places?... the true love unconditional trust fantasies?... the passion of the moment of seeing, feeling, touching understanding in another's eyes, in another's touch so deep that it overwhelms all reason or senses and nothing else matters?...

have I accepted that writing about it is enough?...

who cares?

should I?...

what if I did?...

what would change, what would it matter?...

wow (is this an escape or further exploration of the thoughts and feelings?), there was an episode of The X-Files just on where Mulder and Scully were swallowed by the ground, by a giant fungus that put them to sleep and fed hallucinogenic drugs to them to keep them compacent while they were being digested... delusions within delusions... and now, there's a Stargate SG-1 on where they find film of 1945 when the Stargate was first used and someone was lost and they go through the gate with his fiance and find the guy who's been alone for fifty years...

when one gets used to a delusion or when one gets used to being alone and comes to accept it, to find whatever happiness and satisfaction there can be found in an incomplete dream, in an unshared life, is it fair to rekindle hope that the dream might actually find completion, that life can once again be shared in it's entirety, completely unconditionally?...

is it better to remain alone in the purity of the dream, in the subconscious, or is it better to accept a mediocre compromise...

in other words, who would take this walk to it's end?...

who would explore these thoughts to their fruition, to their infinite possibilities, to their satisfactory or unsatisfactory end?...

no one I know, at this moment...

but I still have some hope, when I see certain eyes... images on the web... you may know who you are... you may not want to... but when I see your eyes, I dream of the connection I once knew, the understanding beyond what we commonly call love, a knowledge of thirst, of hunger, of passion for knowledge and understanding and communication and bonding and oneness and peace and comfort and wonder and everything...

to be complete within the self and still know the fractional part we play in the universe... to share that and make the bond meaningful... to go our own way... to save ourselves and live with hope that our actions might help improve the world (universes)...

can any heart be so true, so pure, so in touch with the essense of life and the energy we call love?... energy we barely tap into most of the time... but at this moment, I want to believe in it, in myself, in you... and I fear the agony beyond loneliness of waking up and I treasure the memory of sharing the awakening and living a conscious life, aware...

I want to believe...

I do not want to disappear...

and yet alone, here, at this moment, feeling alone with the possibility of disappearing and losing contact more real than it's been in many years, wonder what is real and what is delusion and what's the difference, I want to disappear...

maybe...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)