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�2006 Candor Communications


2006-02-12 - 4:43 p.m.

thoughts on masks, fat, and celebrations


I know I was supposed to tell you about yesterday's road trip to we Wicked this morning, but I seem to have gotten distracted by much more important and serious and real-world ponderings, thanks to a dear favorite Dlander and phone friend, and so this entry (which may be considered a sermon since it's that time of the week for many of you, but only it that helps you take it more seriously so you might learn from it and not if that detracts from it right from the start because you don't respect me enough to consider my words worth reading as holy text...

too late?...

well, some of us will laugh anyway and still take it quite seriously and that's what counts, naa naa na na na nyuk nyuk nyuk), is based on my personal experience and boldly states what I believe and what I know as a fact of life for me as the fact of life that it is...

hope you don't disagree, cuz you'd be wrong...

that oughta turn off the naysayers, aye?

yeah, well, sometimes I'd prefer if only friends stuck around... and anyone who keeps an open mind and sees through ego's teasing to the serious thought (and information) and sticks around to care can be a friend, but that's your choice to make and I'm gonna just keep rambling anyway...

the difference you make is whether I am rambling alone and lonely or rambling with the feeling that friends are listening... that makes you special, valued, friends...

and this seems to have (once again I start an entry with an afterthought) turned into one of my know-it-all entries... so skip it if you don't believe I know-it-all (or more seriously, if you do not believe I know what is right for me and are not open to the possibility that I might know something about life and living in these fleshy shells that is worth knowing)...

all ego aside (and we know how much we love my ego, right?... not to mention the innuendos it inspires... thanks especially to Pfirsich for stroking it just right), saucy vixen that you are...

but seriously, I've been alive forever (wait, that's a Barry Manilow song... serves me right for starting a paragraph with but seriously... anyway, think about this entry)...

this entry contains some of what I learned so far...

the following was inspired by the last dozen or two entries by my dear Ariza (locked) one part of that exalted stratums of persons who pick up the phone once in a while to remind me that the real world is out there, not just here in my mind and in the limited life cycle I live every day... especially during these days when I myself don't touch the phone unless it rings, to be tangibly reminded that there are those in the world who actually do care, that is an essential cure for whatever ails me and reason to continue living, writing, and being...

have I conveyed reverent importance?...

I hope so...

more than even the personal benefit she gives me, the writing she offers provides fuel for thought for me and insight into the steps I've already taken many times in this life... fresh perspective is essential to continued improvement and hope and mental health and I am better for knowing and reading her... she does not get linked here often because she needs to keep her diary locked and I don't want to put you, dear readers, through the frustration of clicking on a locked link, but if you leave a note she may let you in... for the moment, I am happy she helped me ponder these next three thoughts...


so begin


about putting on a mask, online or offline:

we are all at crossroads every moment of life, it is just seldom more evident than at that point in life when stepping out on our own is eminent than that first time leaving our parents nest, for at no other point is more likely to actually happen (the choice to do nothing, make no changes, accept what is and leave it - is easier to accept at later points, once we fall into an relatively stable independent pattern in life in the physical world)...

using creativity to present an online (or even an offline) persona that is dressed up and not truly reflective of you (appearance, beliefs, ethics, activities, whatever) is not a bad thing, in fact, most of our entertainment and much of business and life stem from creative presentation... I think the essential thing to remember is that whatever you do, is:

be real to someone other than yourself... if you are not, you could too easily lose yourself...

I have often said in relation to being that it takes two points to make a line... I believe the point of being is to make lines, shapes, connections, bonds... not imaginary abstracts, not chalk drawings, not cloud formations, not superficial touches, but permanent-ink lines connected the true self with another true self...

yes, those are the most painful because they can never be broken even if the person dies or (worse?), if the person changes so fundamentally that they no longer want the connection or perhaps worst of all, if the person never was real and true to begin with and just fooled themselves (or just you)...

but I believe that pain is worth any risk for without the connects, without those bonds, we miss the point of life...

look at it from this perspective if you will (and I hope you all do)...

there may be plenty of time to float aimlessly through ethereal existence (or nothingness) after this physical life is done, but what if this is our only opportunity to experience the interactions (feelings) between the mind and body, the heart and soul, the flesh and the spirit?... would we not have wasted the gift of life (even insulted or at least disrespected the giver) if we do not experience the gift fully?...

I believe so with all my being... so

no matter what acts you play in this life for fun or profit, be real and true to someone other than yourself or you could too easily lose yourself and miss out on the single most important opportunity of a lifetime... to be, to know, to appreciate your creator's gift...

even if you believe your creator was simply biology or random chance...


think


about fat (this I do not only believe, this I know):

body image (appearance) and body weight (condition) are two very different things... the first is superficial, external, and too easily influenced by meaningless information and subconscious insecurities... the latter is vital to continued good health...

the heart, for starters, works harder with every extra pound of tissue it is forced to pump blood through... the bones and all other muscles are stressed more with every extra pound they must support and move... the added stress wears the body out faster and that is why few obese or overweight people live into their seventies or eighties or nineties or beyond (and fewer, on average, live beyond 40)...

energy level, conscious awareness of the physical world, presence, ability, and stamina are all effected by excess weight (and perhaps the saddest fact of life of all is that perspective is skewed until the weight is dropped, some never know this and never know they never know this)... in our culture, the body needs to carry around very little fat to sustain a healthy life...

so consider the health and perspective aspects, not the appearance aspects, of forcing a body to carry around more fat than it needs...

and remember that we can not always get what we want, but if we focus on when we need, we can get it... what a body needs is to be, feel, and know it is healthy... it can not know truly good health if it is carrying around more than 20 pounds of unnecessary fat... if you love yourself, truly love yourself, you will not fool yourself into believing this is not true...

and you can not know this without the experience...

and you can not experience what I mean unless you physically experience being in a body without the distraction of carrying around the extra fat...

this is a simple fact of physical life...

one I hope that all of you who have never experienced it finally realize for yourself in your own mind and body one day...


about me


about celebrations (and being on time for them):

if you know me, then you know I do not remember the last time I was on time for a birthday, anniversary, or specific holiday celebration... there are a few reasons (and I offer no excuses and rarely apologize, for my heart has no malice or harm in it and those who care understand and those who do not care would not benefit or believe anyway) for this pattern (and it has become an unconscious habit, for sure)...

firstly, to know me (especially in my relation to birthdays and such), it helps to know I was adopted a few times, had a relatively inconsistent and emotionally unstable first twenty years or so in this life... the adopted families were well intended, however lacked the emotional security and awareness to understand me or relieve themselves of their extremely co-dependent relationships... my unwillingness to engage in such co-dependencies (and buy into their insecurities) left me relatively ostracized, put down, and alone...

whether the chicken or the egg came first is irrelevant... my experience was to know virtually no birthday celebrations beyond the age of three or four (except for one awkward but beautiful Sweet Sixteen party through for me by my best friends of that time) and gifts were either forgotten or took the form of a few dollars left for me without a card or note, or occasionally a generic card simply signed with a name, not always with 'love'...

because weddings and early families did not last, weddings were downplayed and adoption was a taboo subject (that is how insecure the family was about their history) so there were no anniversaries to celebrate and even the thought of them brought on dirty (or at least depressed) looks from those closest to me as I was a little child...

so I learned to disregard formal dates of celebration and chose instead to celebrate every day of living... not being absolutely sure of my actual birth date (all records were sealed), I decided that whatever the date, every day was a reason to celebrate being born and being alive...

those who find this philosophy (or practice) challenging to swallow (and those trained to believe in the social obligations of being on time with special-day well-wishes) might find fault in my way, but I have no control over any perspective other than my own and I am quite happy celebrating every day...

my conditioning is not the only reason I do not remember dates...

the other primary reason is the shut down mostly dead sleepwriting mode of life I live in recent years... I don't form bonds well anymore... I do not let my conscious mind remember much anymore... I do not keep meticulous written records of connections with others anymore...

yes, I used to do all of this and more to keep in touch...

and outside of work I do not look at a calendar or clock anymore (except when an online site shows me a date/time stamp and then, as you've seen, I manipulate the date/time stamp because I enjoy that and because I like the idea of an entry a day and miss some dates and because I am busy with work, roommates, distractions, and I do not keep in touch with time (and not just cuz timelessness is fun)...

the reasons for this are long and winding and have been discuss ad nauseum in other places (and other entries), but suffice to say it involves at the very least broken heart, betrayed promises, near death experiences, emotional death, psychic illness, defense mechanisms, the governments of two nations, and at least twelve eyes (and six people)...

and soup...

in any case, one day I may re-establish some consistent connection with real time, the calendar, and the world outside of my head... until then, I shall wish everyone I care about belated birthdays, anniversaries, and happiness... I hope that in some way you are always celebrating your life, which started and is formally celebrated on your birthday, but should be enjoyed and celebrated every day...


fin


well, I can thank my dear Ariza (as I said, locked for the moment, but leave a note if you care and maybe you'll get in) for inspiring these thoughts (what started as a comment to her has turned into an entry)...

I'll still be back to complete the previous entry (though that may have to wait until later or tomorrow or... yeah, who knows... in any case, there's another entry or two being scribbled this weekend and maybe tomorrow, stay tuned...

and thanks...






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