there are times when I get so excited that whatever cool I might have simply slides off like I'm rubber and cool is water if you know what I mean...

that would have been the title, but I decided it was too long, so the title was something different... but then I decided that something different would not be a good title, mostly because it did not represent this entry too well, mostly because this entry is not too different from many of my other roller coastery free-associating rambles...

anyway, every child should grow up to be able to say this (and mean it) to anyone who ever tried to judged them in any negative light, rather than accept and love them for who they are... I would be proud to have a daughter this wise...

and maybe fall in love, too... ah, you know me, a sucker for profound poetry, especially if nobody else understands it... do you find that when you fall in love with someone, anything they say or do is beautiful, profound, and holds all the meaning of the universe?... maybe it does... or maybe it's just about fitting in and being loved because you didn't get it at home as a little one when you were wide open for it... I don't know, for all I can offer is rash judgments and desperations at times, loosely jointed smoke billowing from a house, but they said the fire went out in that one long ago... maybe if I formatted it differently it would look more like poetry... maybe then it would mean more, be more, bring you to your feet with awe or to your knees with devotion, or leave you breathless like the ocean's constant caress of the shore, how long, evermore...

and when I feel inspired to write an ode or prose for love in kindness I pray to be heard and felt and recognized as some sort of prize for I give the gift of all I feel and imagine that meaning something to you and everything to someone for that is all this life is about for me, to mean everything to someone...

and what your calling me a favorite would do is raise my hopes that the love in you might come my way someday to play a song in our hearts and friends or lovers, wherever the sparks may lead... and what you're calling me a favorite would do is raise my hopes that I might be discovered by someone checking out your favorites and they may come to love me as I love them without knowing, and then maybe knowing is the gift we offer... tell everyone you know about me for I am looking for someone who is out there somewhere and if you give them a way to find me your blessing will be thrice as nice... wouldst thou bestow your blessing upon this humble soul, let an ego shine without losing all control, wouldst thou aide this human heart in search of the missing part of the two part soul that we can be if we give all we are in our love near and far like a star burning bright through the day and the night, wouldst thou be a light to guide my soulmate to me, oh rejoice in your hand what a blessing you would be...

but could a broken old soul be loved when it is not sure it can still love itself?... remembering living (dying?) in Buffalo, NY in 1999 (or was it 1998?) and shovelling snow at the Dupont plant and riding by Love Canal, trying not to breath and thinking about how my life was slipping away and all I could do was hang on to hope and work a hundred hours a week or more so I would not have to think about it... one hot summer night sitting in my room on River Road, looking out on the Niagara and wondering what it would be like... and in February, looking down at a glacier while standing on the bridge over the falls with one foot in the US and the other in Canada, wondering what it would be like... thoughts of death are never far away, especially since the turn of the millenium... I left some vital part of me behind in the twentieth century...

life is a roller coaster and mine has derailed, but still somehow I rise and fall and fly through the air with the greatest of ease and feel the numbness and the pain and the pleasure hiding within, muffled by the memories and duct tape around my heart and soul... I fell in love with you... lost control... don't know what I could do... was nothing I could do... maybe I lost the clue... or never had one...

if you want to understand then you will have to take my hand and somehow find a way to find my heart today and get the music to play again... if you want to comprehend then you will have to be my friend and somehow reach inside my soul to the moment I lost control and get the tears to flow again... if you want to really care then you will have to face despair deeper than a heart can bear and dive deep into the tear and get me to trust you... and we shall see if there is still a me inside of me and if I can ever trust again...

sometimes I feel like every entry is a dozen entries, like every paragraph is an entry in someone else's diary or some other diary that I should create because if you read every paragraph as a separate entry it might be more meaningful or interesting...

see me, feel me, touch me, heal me...

will someone come and pull me out of my obscurity, my misery, but leave me my anonymity until I am sure I am ready, for vanity, insanity, and the calamity of notoriety... will someone come and recognize my passion for life, my reason for living, to love and be loved, to create in words and art the embodiment of trust, the representation of passion, the infinity of truth, the eternity of love... will someone come along and embrace me to know me and love me and trust me to love truly and be honestly and trust unconditionally in the word, in the flesh, in the last breath of life and whatever is death... will someone come along and find my worth, repost my words for more eyes to see, find them worthy of respect and admiration and sharing... will someone come along and represent me, reconstruct me, circomvent me, and reduct me... understand me... complete me...

it was 1997, leaving Toronto for the last time that I realized that the last time I saw or updated that CD collection... it remains in storage a few miles southeast of where the great niagara becomes Lake Ontario... most of me is still in storage... I started again a couple of times, but unfortunate events made those starts dissappear, so now I start again... I think... and each year with a little more or less enthusiasm I hear a voice say, I may get the stuff put into storage out this year... I think it may be mine... and that would be a cause for celebration...

and beyond fatigue there is prayer, or in some cases, begging... ain't too proud to beg, are we? (sweet darlin')... and what is the different between begging and prayer, anyway... go ahead, rationalize amongst yourselves, I'll just sit and silently stare at the light for there comes a point when you're not sure why you're still talking and if you have been listening, I passed that point long ago...

yes, every single page...

and then there's all that is not out there just a click away... are you just a click away?... or less than a dozen presses of a telephone pad?... or a drive or a flight or a leap of faith?... and when I am whole and complete (the way I am deep inside) and all the withered wings are washed away (and love is no longer denied) will you still embrace the dreams I chase when another is by our side or will you find then your insecurity will keep you from taking that ride?... looking for the deepest bond, the strongest connection, the perfect partner who will share everything you and me and whatever whomever however in mutual splendor body and soul can sing... the song of the free, the home of the brave, the lover and master and god and slave all in one and each other and never to end for whatever may come of it always a friend shall remain as is needed the superlative way... but who dares understand, or do this today...

take a breath I will give and then give it back to me, take another and give it to another who's free and another gives back the same breath back to me we are one we are two we are three we are four we are everything sharing in love evermore...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)