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CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
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last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
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are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




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SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
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REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
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itools references
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Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
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something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2006-01-27 - 11:09 a.m.

lost in space


wonder of wonders miracle of miracles (why I have songs from Fiddler on the Roof flashing through my brain is anybody's guess, but earlier I was hearing the song I performed as Perchik in New York a long long time ago and I was remembering how sad I was when I saw that they had cut it out when them made the movie... I figured that they just had to remake the movie with the song in it and of course they'd come to me to sing it, but I'd probably be more suited for the Tevya part now... and I'm rambling before I even begin, aren't I?)...

it is probably Precious's influence as she's deeply involved in shows these days, especially the techie side of her school productions, and has me bringing home show music from the library all the time (in fact half of my show music CDs may be lost somewhere in her room, but she's lovable even if she's a mess... I should talk though, my mess is growing these days and could just swallow hers... one of us here really ought to take the lead and start cleaning, I suppose... maybe next month)...

so back to wherever the wonder of wonders was going to get us, we're pondering Precious's show music influences... her school is doing Evita this year so she's owned that CD from my collection for a few weeks now... when she gets around to it, she copies stuff, but she's just so busy, we're lucky she has time to squeeze in some school...

I think her latest show love is Aida though many others are still hot contenders for her #1 spot... Rasputin loves Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (as do I) and I just rented it from Blockbuster and we watched it over the weekend, so there's some show music influence too... and she's been listening to JC Superstar (which takes me back to my performance days as much as any show) and a lot of Andrew Lloyd Webber and Time Rice lately and now that she's found Elton John paired up with Time Rice, I'll have to turn her on to more of his music...

to her credit, she (through her best friend) found Rilo Kiley recently (she doesn't remember me loving them last year after lastyearsgirl turned me on to them, which reminds me that I've not been at my Live Journal friends page in way too long... dang, never enough time to follow all the paths I want to follow and here I am wandering away from this entry's thread yet again so I'll just nonchalantly exit the parentheses now) as well as Death Cab For Cutie and she's dropped Panic at the Disco! (who she'll be seeing in a few weeks at the House of Blues) into my head (moving on from her Josh Groban fantasies) and we'll be seeing the touring company of Wicked at the Bob Carr (the big Orlando Broadway-type theatre place) in a couple of weeks...

no, Smash, she's not into metal yet, but this certain boy she might like is into a group that reminded me some old extended instrumental break spacey psychedelic rockers (I don't recall the name at the moment) and she's borrowed my Led Zeppelin, Three Dog Night, Steppenwolf, Yes, Alice Cooper, Frank Zappa, and a whole slew of other music to check out and copy to her iPod (what a girl won't do to impress a boy, aye?) so her musical horizons continue to expand...

my friend Helena (who hasn't been mentioned here in quite a while cuz she hasn't been around in quite a while and doesn't return calls... maybe she read this diary and didn't like something, but I have no idea why she's not around except to say that's Helena and hope she's happy) is into the metal world and we used to go to local shows (Five Billion Dead come to mind, a local metal band) where unknowns belted out gut wrenching, building quaking, and ear shattering sounds...

I don't have tinnitis for nothing, after all...

anyway, all that might explain why I have had some theatrical music on my brain lately... and whatever it means, well, that might require some more babbling... I know that show music leads me to sweet sentimental stories (like La Cage Aux Folles suddenly comes to mind) and my dreams and searches for love and shared happiness in this life...

but it probably goes a lot deeper than that...

and then there are those fantasies that continue to play with me as I fend of the loneliness that undermines my happiness cuz what I wanted most from life is to share it all with a wife and children who did not have to just dream of parents who gave unconditional love...

I think they call it family...

and then there are the fantasies that melt my defenses and destroy pretenses as secret desire lights a primal fire and pushes up passion to where the old fashioned might become embarrassed as dreams of caressing and lovers undressing sneak up on my psyche until they strike me with shivers of hunger for love and the wonder of sharing excitement sensual delightment until there's no way to hold back the spray of passions embrace and these dreams I chase that show in a face I can not replace...

photographs and memories...

and then I am brought back around to my visual cortex and it's connection to libido and how much I wish I could find the heart-melting vision of libido's dreams because it is all tied together for me and I do believe in love at first sight (and it's not the popular visions of sexy or beauty for me that melt me inside, nope... keep Pamela Anderson and Marilyn Monroe and whomever else is supposed to be a sex goddess cuz they do nothing for me)...

yeah, I know, I'm too picky...

laughing, I realize the seriousness inherent in the brain in this head I loosely call mine... it is not necessarily too picky, it is definitely too honest... who wants to hear the truth about attractions, really?... as much as that is the best way to avoid hurt, to get the initial attractiveness factor out in the open right from the start, does anybody really want to hear that they are not sending off fireworks and rockets in the subconscious libido falling in love sector of the brain, however they are still attractive and would be fun to play with until the 'right one' comes along?...

me...

that is, I want that completeness in my honesty... I want to give that and I want to receive that... and it sucks for me that so rarely do I find someone else who wants the same thing... either people just don't know, don't want to know, or don't want to tell how they really feel about their attractions to me (and I'm guessing to others as well) and rare is the person who appreciates my honesty in intimacy...

there is where my pickiness is very real... honesty is the primary attraction for me as a personality trait... and honesty seems to repel so many... tell me anything you think, feel, want, don't want, whatever... but ask my to hold back how I feel and I am turned off no matter how well we get along in other ways and intimately, I will not fake it...

so coming full circle to the wonder of wonders and miracle of miracles (and having everything and knowing what everything's for), it seems to be an impossible dream at times, but I still quest for completely open honesty in my intimacy still hope that doesn't mean I am going to be alone for much longer... this is, the last decade or so, the longest I've ever been alone... I just don't seem willing to settle for keeping my mouth shut and letting someone lead themselves on anymore...

seems I am the odd duck out...

and as I have been throughout this life when it's come before, I am thrilled with this realization, much happier than I ever was when I was in a relationship where I found myself silently asked to be polite or to hold back my feelings about compromise and still wanting to find the one who does it for me in ways that no words can explain...

and it does so much start with first sight for me...

so no wonder I am alone these days, what with the image I present to myself (and anyone looking) when I look in the mirror... I can laugh, genuinely, at the lazy indulgence I'd allowed my physical life to become, but I sure am unattractive to myself physically so I'm not attracted to sharing myself physically...

true confessions, huh?...

so I indulge my taste buds and keep myself content with comfort food and keep myself alone because I won't pretend to myself (or anyone else) that I am comfortable sharing this body just to get my rocks off... because... I am tired of being the one who leads, who is stronger, who fixes everything... because I want to be the one who is saved for a change... because I want a mommy?... because I want the vision of my dreams to see through the surface appearance and rock my world by leading me back to where I belong (physically)?... well, the truth is in there somewhere and whatever it is, and I admit it...

how strange does that make me?...

do I really want an answer to that?...

ah, the irreverent one always wins...

and then seriously, I wonder what I'll have to say about this phase of this life when I get back on the road and finish the marathon and stand lean and fit and suddenly more attractive to those who are more attractive to me again... will I see them as shallow, will I harbor resentment, will I laugh and take advantage and tell them so?...

through it all, honesty has remained consistent... in younger days when I was all buff and macho and a social butterfly and ever so popular and had my pick of many, I told the truth and some ignored that because they were attracted to me...

people seem very good at ignoring the truth...

and I've been practicing to be a people for quite some time now and while I don't think I've actually got it right just yet (I tend to face the truth, acknowledge it, and am fully aware of it as I turn away from it and pretend I do not know it, which isn't quite the same, is it?)...

even I am not sure if I am mocking myself, teasing myself, analyzing myself, seriously serious, seriously irreverent, irreverently serious, irreverently irreverent, confessing, or just being silly...

I sense it's one of these, perhaps several, or a combination, maybe even a multiple... I do not think this is just another case of a futile effort at being cute, because I am not as amused as I would be when I am making a futile attempt at being cute...

in fact, I am falling asleep...

I hope you find something worth staying awake for today... maybe even fall in love... or sing your heart out... and on the outside chance that you understand even remotely any part of this entry, please give a go at trying to explain it to me...






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