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(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

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real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

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PO BOX 780398
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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2004-01-30 - 10:46 p.m.

lost in the boredom


the good news is that I did not slip further between the cushions, that is, I got out to the gym last night and while the layoff of a couple of weeks did have more slide-back effect than I'd have liked, I survived with only minimal scary chest pains (hey, the heart is a muscle and no pain no gain, right?... shhhh, please don't inject reason into my instincts for I might agree that exercise is a form of insanity and commit myself to the couch for life)... I did not slide back below minimums set, however I was far from approaching new records... yes, muscle and stamina deterioration can happen in a matter of two weeks...

must be more consistent...

anyway, I didn't eat much yesterday and was very hungry and body-tired when I woke up today so I ate instead of going to the gym, which means I either go to the gym tomorrow or I slide further back... we shall see which direction my subconscious chooses... more often than not laziness wins out when I am alone (I refer to intimate aloneness) and food indugence wins out when I am with non-intimates... dining out is socialization, after all, something to do that we enjoy... I barely remember times when I was actually focused and conscious of intimacy, even with myself... so long since I altered my consciousness enought to remember anything different than the blase malaise of apathetic procrastination... in the absense of intimacy, maybe I should try a new drug...

I am only partially joking... I have explored drugs in this life, but stopped mostly out of boredom and choosing to stop poisoning this body cuz playing with poisons gets old after a while... I've got no moral or value judgment going on about drugs, just a personal choice to be healthy... for the moment... sorta...

I would drink some caffeinated sugary soft drink if I had any in the house... but that is really such a tired old drug... well, maybe not so tired... but I am tired of it... and having a roommate with a severe caffeine addiction points out the folly of being dependent on any external substance on a daily basis and when I am confronted with such reminders I am apt to adjust my behavior to avoid such folly... like watching The Man Show or reruns of Matlock, for instance... Sally wakes and zones into TV commercials and whatever crap is on the tube to an amazing extent... I suggest doing something and an hour or two later the suggestion might sink in and something might happen... or not... but I love him, he's as much family as I've got, and nobody's perfect (besides, I can sure vege into things myself)... anyway, The John Henson Project is on now... so I'm shutting out the TV and considering putting on the headphones... otherwise, nothing will get written or done around here and I might be eating again... the hunger for socialization overrules so much good sense...

so what else is new... yesterday I might have been hearing some internal biological clock and it did get me back to the gym and it would probably get me back to the gym again tonight if it was open, but not having a 24 hour gym means if I want some exercise tonight it'll be running and I that'll take a lot more motivation than the gym would...

we will be moving into a three bedroom apartment a few buildings over at the end of February... Sally's daughter should be down here next week so we'll be squeezed into the two bedroom for a month or so... maybe she'll get him to get the cat piss smell out of his room, but then, the apartment managers will be looking to do a walk through inspection on Monday and they might be hold my deposit if that smell is still here... I've been doing my best to ignore it for the last six months, trying to tell myself it's my imagination or the recycled sewer water they use to water the grass with or even my dirty clothes, but the smell is consistently coming from his bedroom when he opens his bedroom door and tonight he finally acknowledged the smell is his blankets and I guess he's just used to it... maybe his mattress too... maybe I'm getting used to it too cuz every now and then I get a whiff and think it never stunk like this around here with Sam (former roommate)... hopefully the addition of his daughter will be a good influence and she'll help clean up behind him... he's really a great guy in many ways, he just has that all too common male trait... he very much needs a maid...

I do too, or at least I would like one, but left to my own devices, I don't let things get stinky... messy, perhaps, but my nose can be sensitive and I seldom ignore it... the drawback of living with Sally is this is not a place I'd want to bring someone for intimacy and it'll be even odder with his fifteen year old daughter here, especially since she'll be awake in the living room in the evening and with me working nights, the evening is the most likely time for bringing someone here... so dating (and I use the word loosely as I've rarely dated in the usual sense) happens outside my living space and that doesn't help in the search for a permanent intimate partner... of course that's just a cheap and easy excuse, since the search is at all active outside of mentioning it repeatedly in online rambles and rhymes...

hmmmm, biological wake up call, hungry for a change (that is, in this reference, wanting a life change, not meaning being hungry for food again), thinking about dating and intimacy more often (and aloud), returning to regular exercise, olfactory senses waking up to the odors in the living space, and getting bored with vegging and life as it is... this could be a pattern...

there's always hope...






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