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PO BOX 780398
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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-10-25 - 5:35 a.m.

loss of power


well, the power (electric) went off this week because the bills were misplaced again (last month's bill, that is... my mail seems to get lost around here a lot, which is why I use a PO Box) and the mail was not picked up this month for a few weeks...

alas...

I'd gotten used to Precious picking up the house mail every day and she apparently skipped picking up mail for several weeks because she was so busy with school and life and wasn't expecting anything and I found this out when I asked if anybody had seem the electric bill this month after I woke up from a nap today the power was off...

wonderful, another reconnect fee to the power company that could have gone to better things...

Notice: The folowing warning may be long overdue... if you needed it before now, we can only apologize and hope you can make it through the rest of this life without warnings because warning seldom actually come on time... feel free to complain to management or some higher power about this, because I can not help you with complaints... I'll listen and smile, but that's about all... unless you are here in physical space and then we'll discuss it... or if you call, sometimes... or can follow my meandering babble and find the answers for yourself... that's always good... usually... anyway, now for the warning:

Warning: the following entry segment contains whining and complaints... those of you turned off by material world issues can skip ahead to the next segment of this entry or even the next entry, which is probably the entry you've seen here most of this week as we've finally caught up with it in it's time, if the relativity of time is at all understandable... you're cooperation and caring is appreciated...


my budget director is redder than red and for the first time in a very long time I am letting him out of his cage and going to let him put a clamp on spending (which means no spending whatsoever except pre-planned obligations and life necessities for as long as I can hold out...

that might mean a few weeks or even a few months of lonely do-nothing introverted writing (and this changes what?) time because I can keep myself happy inside a little bubble as long as I draw the line and do not exit the bubble... kind of an all or nothing cold turkey approach to budgeting and life, but it works...

I recall that after a period of wandering the streets in the late nineties, I saved $13K in a year at a $7 an hour job one year... yes, a lot of hours... and nothing else...

I also lost weight by eating less and healthier and exercised more and was much better off in many ways after that year... of course it took being homeless to get me to unlock this self-disciplined aspect of my personality again (I locked it up when I retired for the first time in 1990,,, I decided I wanted to retire while I was still young enough to dance past dawn and run marathons in my spare time)...

anyway, I'd rather not need such a drastic impetus this time, so I'll make a valiant attempt to preemptively address the growing fiscal deficit and turn off life out there for a while...

it is just so dang easy for me to find reasons to give money away...

everybody I meet seems to need it more than I do...


and I can so easily skip a meal or few and feel great about giving the cost of those meals to someone...

no wonder I lost everything a few times, huh?...


unfortunately, living that way I can suddenly I look at my bank statement and find there's nothing left in savings and creditors don't want to hear that and money and credit ratings and the material world is just not important enough for me to care much about and creditors like that even less and that's the secondary reason (the first was what I did for love, naturally) I lost everything back in the nineties and I don't want to go through that again, so I'm gonna just hit the wall without actually hitting the wall and pretend I've got nothing left and hopefully see the savings creep back upward again, especially since I am not sure if I'm going to need extra money when this lease ends in April (Raspy might decide to get a house with his new girlfriend and that'll leave me either with higher monthly bills {and initial security deposits) or hunting for a new roommate {five foot two eyes of blue fit and trim and not a him?...

aherm...

well, at least I can keep my sense of humor in the poor house} which puts a drain on savings so I want to make sure there actually is some savings to drain come next Spring)...

I just so hate to say no...

anyway, I've also been exhausted this week... I think this body is fighting off a cold bug (I was around a couple of sick people Friday night and several people who were there with me are pretty sick this week) so I've been sleeping and ignoring the computer when I get home...

actually, I've been sitting down at the computer and clicking once or twice and then falling asleep and somehow ending up in bed and waking in the evening when Precious has much to discuss about her day and relationships (major crisis as best friend is reacting with much jealousy to Precious spending any time with her new boyfriend) and rushing out to work this whole week so far...

I hope I'm not missing too much...

and, as if this entry in some strange way actually did follow the previous entries in substance and content and thought stream or whatever, I present the continuation of this for no apparent reason except that this entry is one of a series of catching up entries and catching up entries are full of the bits and pieces of writings that are left in the files...


I don't mean to offend or upset you by being myself
I mean no harm to anyone
there are many different holy books on the shelf
and many stars beyond the sun


and if I don't see things the same way you do
that doesn't mean I think you're wrong
I don't want to fight and I am not here to argue
but I won't sell my soul just to belong


I see humans fighting over gods and possessions
and I want no part of that way
it's the same old mistakes and ignoring the lessons
do you think you're saved cuz you pray?


when you choose to piss in the water you drink
are you really so arrogant that you think
you're above the natural laws of this life
you cut your own throat with your own knife


and lately I've become more like you than me
I live unhealthy and indulge apathy
I wine and complain and pretend I'm not free
to be just as I want to be


and living among you accepting your ways
I lose myself in the business of your days
I laugh and I cry while everyone prays
the real me lives where no one stays

the real me is hearing a song...

that never plays



sigh...


that was called phase two at the time and someday maybe I'll slip phase three into an entry somewhere... even thought this is not the place for the deeper introspective wallowing in the land of the flowers of the mostly dead... how else might I lead you to explore the rest of my written world that is ultimate dozens of sites in progress?...

oh sure, expose the vulnerable underbelly, the depressive thoughts, that's sure to get people interested in what else might be behind the candoor...

self-directed sarcasm is an effective tickle for me...


. o ( and I wonder who else sees the rainbows ) O o .


yeah, so anyway, how are things out there in the world?... if you've found the time to track back or scroll back or whatever got you here to this third entry in the catch up series for this last week of October of 2005, I cheer your perseverence and hug you with appreciation...

you can tell me when to let go...







. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


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