I shall cheat to bring you an entry today... I mean, I shall upload an email I just wrote and call it today's entry... because I don't have time for more writing or putting together the pieces of entries written in the past two weeks... and because the email sort of explains why I've been gone from here (not uploading, not reading, not noting - is gone) for the past week plus... I thank her for inspiring the email... I also want others of you to feel the hug I send with the email... you who have called and left messages in the past few weeks... you who have sent emails... you who have left notes or comments or any tangible proof that you visited me, thought of me, care about me... the words thank you try in vain to sum up feelings that words can not express... if you would imagine a hug that lasts a few minutes and remains comfortable and unconditional, or at least five or fifteen seconds (since long hugs are not always the norm for most people's comfort levels and I wish the comfort to be maximized for you), if you would imagine the energy of love passing through us pure and undemanding and nurturing and free... then you begin to experience the feeling your expressions of caring bring to me...

and with that hopeful understanding, I share this moment's update of life behind the candoor:

I am a creature of random habits and today my habit of checking Gmail (which has not actually become anything near a habit yet since I forget for a few weeks, but I want to remember, so thank you) has been very positively reinforced, so there is some hope that I might remember to do it more often... because if I was dumb enough to miss many more of your emails that show me that you care, I'd consider myself more self-defeating than I'd like to be... yeah, so I am happy to find you here and wish I'd have found you sooner cuz your caring inspires me to wake up and care more than I do...

today I am in the midst of another week of relative silence in terms of updating my online writings... I wish you could know how happy it makes me to find your email noticing my silence... this is a pattern I do not want to get into, drifting away from writing/uploading/sharing and losing myself in the daily life (mostly because the daily life is not as I would like it to be and following along with those in it is not healthy for me, but just a distraction from the malaise and apathy that allows for the distraction - if that makes any sense to you)...

I hope to rewind my mind and write myself back into a better place (inside) within the next forty to seventy hours because I have time off (just two days, but it's a good change in the work week this week that will allow for more focus, I hope) starting tomorrow...

I am ok, not great, not in a bad way, just muddling through allowing some bad habits to gain strength and momentum (what habits... over-eating an imbalanced diet, laziness/lack of exercise, allowing the living space to become even messier than usual in the current roommate environment, general mental vegetation and malaise)... I went out Friday night with roommates to a high school play and Saturday night with work friends to drum circle and work with a self-awareness group (where one project they chose was write a song about a dream or goal and how it would feel if it did not come to pass... I wrote three verses and three variable choruses and it was way too optimistic so I added a long depressing bridge cuz that's what the project called for... I don't usually tap into the mostly dead mood with others around, but it worked and they all liked the product and at least I showed myself I can still produce on the spot), but the focused energy on myself has waned...

some of this could probably be a diary entry (that'd be cheating to fill in the days and thanks for your help and inspiration J

to find you here in words, that is a gift... this is what you can give from Colorado... in the real world (including email), I am still surprised when I receive attention and even more surprised when I receive caring or concern... it's a surprise that brings a tear to my eye... I do not expect it in this world and sometimes forget how much I want it...

thank you for caring and showing it... I wish I was more awake, aware, alive these days so I could reciprocate better... I can only hope that the words in this response, sadly delayed, are real enough for you to feel the appreciation and pleasure your words bring from within me...

I exist in a very distracting and relatively unhealthy immediate environment these days, but then, it is much better than other roommate situations have been and there is a family bond I'd rather not trade for living with relative strangers... and I do not earn enough salary to live alone these days... so it is a compromise and I could improve it if I was more focused, so perhaps in the new space (we move to another apartment around New Years)...

the last few weeks, perhaps months, I vaguely hope for anything to get through to me, move me, motivate me in the real-physical world, but mostly I just shut down my senses and meander through each waking period without much internal drive or inspiration, and relatively low energy...

I see your email and somewhere inside of me a voice smiles and says, "someone cares," and the surprise effectively shows me the lack of awareness I've accepted of late, but the smiling inner voice shows me I am still alive and well deep down, just hibernating, sleeping (so deep I'm barely sleep-writing), and breathing hope even if I ignore it... have I expressed my thanks clearly yet?...

I hope so... it's a start... thank you for the smile J

I feel hugged and hope you do too...

and then there was a second email that abbreviated (and I think added to) the above (and thank you for inspiring this reawakening)... the appreciative sentiments in both of these emails, the hug described in the opening of this entry go out to you and you and you and you and you (plural) too (who have no website for me to link here) and yous and yous and yous and yous and yous and all yours at LJ too (I'm due for a large dump there)... I wish there was time for more words tonight... anyway, I followed the previous email with this next one (at least I think they went in that order, for what it's worth)...

I remembered Gmail tonight... and here I find some mail from you (and I grumble at myself for forgetting to open Gmail for so long, but I smile for you are here, smiles beat grumbless, so smiles win J

the distractions (some wonderful and some unhealthy) of this living space have been way too empowered of late (my foolish choice), which is why I've been silent (not uploading) and generally blah (as I get when I am un-nurtured by myself)...

I must shower and go to work now... I am taking two nights off this week and I hope to rewind my mind and write for myself in the next few days as I have a little time off (I may lock myself in my room, though at least a day must be spent cleaning it and getting rid of some boxes I've yet to unpack since moving into this place early this year and the clutter is starting to become annoying... and there's laundry to do... and if I don't get to the gym more I'll definitely drop into a depressive malaise... but writing is vital to my well-being too, so I hope to find time for words this week)...

I will give you the attention I can (you certainly deserve a lot more) when I start giving myself the attention I need again... I hope you understand and forgive my aimless apathetic wanderings... I am inspired by your words and uplifted by your sharing and this response is a sign of my reawakening, so thank you for these emails that helped awaken me... I look forward to reading you more deeply...

hoping your life is focused on positivity and love these days J

and so you have a long entry (that would have been uploaded on time had Precious not come out needing something with me having to shower and rush out to work, foodless again, cuz I ran out of time and I'd rather attempt some form of creativity and meaningful sharing than eat sometimes)... life has been lethargic and dreary of late, dragging around has become a pattern (which reflects itself in the lack of daily entries... so we have a rule of thumb to follow, lack of daily entries usually means one of two things, either dragging around in lethargy {or worse} or life is just too much fun to pause and write about it... I'll let you know when the latter happens...

hope you are having fun out there and remember to be good to yourself, cuz, well, just cuz...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)