something that was really meaningful to me was written in my sleep, sort of... I fell asleep writing it and then continued it as a woke (before being fully awake... in that time, if you know) and poof... it was full of truth with angst and whining and clarity and self-pity and so much of me I might have crossed lines I don't even know I have in this public exposure thing... I mourned losses (cleasing wounds not yet completely healed) and cried over loneliness (feeling that feeling that nobody is really anywhere caring)and felt the ambivalence and excitement of just passing through (the relativity of the moment) and realized that until we cross lines (like email, phone, and ultimately visual physical contact) we do not really meet, we do not really know, we are not really real and all we have are words... it was called when all we have are words and it was an epic with many verses and several choruses and a mental melody orchestrated in detail and I pressed the done! button and it was done... gone... poof...

it may be a very healthy sign that I do not want to go back there now... that I do not feel a need to express the pitiful past scars and the hopelessly depressing doubts that make every moment without a note or some attention an agonizing eternity... even as I sit here feeling lonely, the good news is I do not want to cry over spilled milk (not that the tears have dried, but they can wait for the right time and are not drowning me) and I do not want to beg for attention (oh really, then what am I doing here?... besides laughing at myself, I mean) and I do not want a pity-party and even the immediate environment distractions (and they are abundant tonight... like Bedazzled on the commercial tube... anybody really ever listen to the last line of that film?)) are not bringing me down and it's time to shower (not that there's any hot water left) and get to work and I haven't gotten to read or write much of anything tonight and that's ok cuz it just is...

cuz I am...

it's a good feeling, even if it doesn't come to the surface as often as it used to... what matters most is that it remains secure and I know it's there, even when I forget for a moment or few...

so how is your world spinning round these days?

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)