thank you precious people for the positive words (that I will assume is love, cuz that's just the kind of ass I wanna be {some assumptions please me more than reality and it's the best I've got today, after all}, if ya know what I mean...

life didn't end overnight...

so if you remember where we left off, I went to work, had a few enjoyable conversations (instead of reading more of Stephen King's The Dark Tower, which is book seven in the series, which may not be the best book to read to improve moods or lift spirits, but then, I won't know that until I finish it, huh?) about assorted subjects including The Da Vinci Code, Constantine and his role in creating modern Christianity and other religious questions, the serious irreverence of Monty Python, and whether a tall thin woman with small breasts would fall over if she woke up and jumped out of bed and found herself with extremely large breasts (some questions just must be asked at 5am)...

among other enlightened subjects...

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose." ~ Steven Wright

I read that somewhere recently... anyway, then I went to the doctor and found out I gained a pound over the past month, which makes it an even 20 pounds gained since the first Hurricane hit (you didn't know that multiple hurricanes cause weight gain, did you?), which did not bode well for the blood pressure cuff that told the doctor to look sternly at me and convince me I must take all this health stuff more seriously...

so I have another new pill to take each day...

well, not another pill, a different pill, so it's still just one pill... I am about as close to hating the idea as much as I am capable of the emotion hate (whatever it feels like, it is not pleasant)... I am doing my best to avoid the facts of life (did my doctor just say "I don't think god meant for us to live much past fourty five?"... dang if she didn't... what a doctor... and that means I only have sixty five years left... new math is cool, huh?)... denial is everything... so I am doing a wonderful job of everything... that is, I am denying like a pro... I am not really gaining weight (it's just a joke the scale is playing on me)... I don't really have to give up the decadent diet of ice cream and pasta with heavy sauces and sweets and above all else, chocolate... I really have quite healthy blood pressure and this past year of trying to talk my doctor into agreeing with me has been a bad dream...

she called it borderline-high... last year... but lately, since I gained the twenty pounds (instead of losing ten from where I was when I gained the twenty), and since I am probably becoming dependent on the dumb pill I remember the take almost every night, the dang numbers have gone up...

"but Doc... is that supposed to happen?"...

so she says, "here, try this new pill"...

the good news is that I get them for free again (and the horrible feeling of spending $50 on one month's supply that brought me down to a hard cold costly reality just yesterday lifted for a while)... white man's medicine is heap expensive... and alternative natural medicines are even more expensive in this artificial world... bummer... I suppose those dang unknown genes I got from my unknown biological family have a gene that tells my blood pressure to get higher as I get older... hell of a thing... ever since I was a very tiny child I had a sense thought that suggested that when I die, it would probably be due to a stroke... the bad news is the body is actually following the semi-subconscious premonition... the worse news is that I might just lose my faculties or motor skills first... gosh, but wouldn't that would be the deep shits...

when I get older, losing my hair, many years from now...

alas, I have no life partner to wipe my drool and feed me and turn me over in bed and bathe me if such a fate awaits this body (and I'd hate to put anyone through that), so I hope I go quickly when I go... and until then, I hope there's more time for gobs of fun...

how morbid, huh?...

well, I played with lots of drugs in my wild teens and after deciding I was tired of alternative consciousnesses and prefered my own conscious mind and the natural highs I found therein, I gave up the drug game... before and after those experimental years I was always acutely aware of anything I put into this body, being way more sensitive than I'd ever try to explain because I'd get the strangest looks from people... I have learned how to desentitize, how to detach my conscious awareness from my physical being, how to not know what was going on inside of me... that seemed to be the thing to do to be more human...

and the big secret everybody denies so well is that most people do it much earlier without knowing they actually did it...

or so goes the theory... but heck, what do I know (everything we know could be wrong, right?)... so anyway, I was a kid who refused aspirins and medicines from doctors, always choosing to experience whatever this body was going through without any external chemicals... and I always believed that I could control the bodily functions of this body on minute scales (or was that an acid trip just flashing back on me?)...

I suppose I should be seriously serious for a change...

ok, I appreciate your kindness, your attention, and your love... I have been wallowing in apathy a lot more than usual lately (and not using my usual methods of dealing with the blues and blahs (that would be writing through it, experiencing the catharsis, and finding the light at the end of the tunnel that leads back to the rainbow where I keep my imaginary wings that lift be out of any bog and above any challenge {I mean, it's always worked up to now} and find my giggles again)... dontcha know me?...

so I got home and decided comfort food was in order (exactly the typical human reaction I have tried to master for years and years... and now that I've got it down, I wonder why... and how long will it last {I used to tire of stupidity quickly, especially when it was my own}... and then, what game shall I play next)... so I cooked... yes, I dared the bacterial growth in the kitchen and used my all-purpose pan (kind of a small heavy wok-like fry pan) to cook up some onions and mushrooms into a meat sauce (bought the ingredients a few days ago with some hope that I might bring myself to actually cook something in the kitchen and lucky me, they actually made some effort at cleaning {I scrubbed the pot and utensils again, since they were put away in the cabinets wet} and I used paper plates to cut up the onions and mushrooms) and poured it over some spaghetti made just the way I remember it when I used to make it as a little kid (definitely not restaurant style) and chowed down... probably three portions more than necessary to feed this body today, but I experienced a delicious bit of taste bud heaven... and there's one of the places where the giggles of bliss are kept (so ok, I tap into that sensory high too often these days and too much of anything isn't good, but heck, at least I can still get all giddy and excited and overjoyed and sensual about something real)...

the kid in me is really so easy to please... even all by myself alone... I didn't even need chocolate after the meal (and that is a profound smile you've got to be me or somebody like me to understand)... so there's not enough time for the depths to be delved into... not enough time for the emotional catharsis or creative agony that leads to bliss and all the wonders of the universe... not enough time for anything much more than falling over and resting up (sleep) for another night of work... and all alone (in the physical spaces) and so lonesome I could die...

so?...

you know what?... I like looking at that girl in the American Express gift card commercial... yeah, easily distracted... so I watch a few episodes of Sliders and imagine (or fantasize) about travel and challenge and loyal friends and how that would be so much fun for me (even alone, though sharing the fantasies would be all the more fun)... and I send you thanks for reading and reassurance about my insanity (well-being) and resiliency and stubbornness (which is the key to everything, maybe) and survival skills... but sometimes, I just let go... living on the edge is part of keeping the boredom of loneliness away, dontcha know...

up, down, round and around, that's the roller coaster I know as this life (emotionally)... experiencing this life's intensity is my drug of choice... it's a wonder this body hasn't worn out long before now... there must be something more I am here to do (or express), so I'll just keep on wandering through time and space with my eyes wide shut (denial, remember?... or could it all be just a big act... or a small one, for that matter)...

maybe some day you will look into my eyes and see the truth...

until then, you, dear readers (and especially responders) are the wind beneath my wings (and when I fall, please remember that it's not the wind at fault when the wings fear to spread)...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)