LIFE

IN
BLACK
AND
WHITE



last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
(how far are we from censorship?)

ONE. . . WHY
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o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

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ABOUT ZOOPLA

o O ( AND CURRENT EVENTS ) O o


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HELP THE RED CROSS
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NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL

(MIRROR OF N.O. JOURNAL)
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HELP AND BE HELPED
HURRICANE HOUSING
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THE FAILURE


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(202) 456-1111

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(202) 224-3121

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FAT MAN WALKING
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FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2004-05-27 - 2:48 p.m.

life at home (anybody else?)


I am supposed to be at some meeting right about now, one of those middle-of-the-night (for me) meetings that are a waste of my time and break up my sleep that I rarely go to, but said I'd try to make today... I set my alarm for AM instead of PM, oh well...

so here we are at home, wanna come in and sit a spell?...

when I got home from work this morning I put on my gym clothes and sat down for a moment to download mail on the desktop (where the almost useless addresses overwhelmed SPAM go) and promptly nodded off until the blaring TV woke me about two hours later... school is out, so Precious is home day and night and I guess the TV in her room doesn't work or something since the living room TV, where I was nodding off, was the only place the volume control could be pushed to max so she could watch yet another rerun of Dawson's Creek...

I crawled into bed, which is when I set the alarm...

and so I missed the meeting and wake now semi-groggy deciding between gym and sleep and food and music and writing and reading and calling the phone company again to try to find out why they promised $300+ in rebates for DSL last year and they still have not come through with those promises and did they fix the name they incorrectly put on the account and so on, bills stuff... I find the apartment amazingly silent... the living room empty... so I decide on music, since so rarely have the space for listening and I have a few dozen library CDs I took out a few days ago that I haven't listened to yet and I find my CD player (a portable, since the loss of all my stuff I've yet to invest in music playing components just as I've yet to invest in a new computer and so on... in fact, the only bigger-than-a-breadbox item I have replaced was the car) is gone again...

apparently Precious took her book bag to school on the last day of school and it was confiscated because the school had said no bags the last day because some seniors had brought water guns filled with bleach on their last day which was a few days before... apparently her CD player was inside her bag and when she went to pick the bag up at the end of the school day, the CD player was gone... I strongly urged her to get her dad to call the school immediately and file a stolen item report and call the police if the school would not take it seriously, since the player was more than $100 (and she said other things were in her bag troo, like library CDs at more than $20 a pop) as the school would shut down for summer in a couple of days... apparently he has not called and so my CD player moved into her room...

I found this out because she popped out of her room moments after I was realizing I was awake and the space was quiet and I was anticipating enjoying the rare peace and quiet in the living room and sat down in front of the TV... apparently the TV in her room loses all appeal the moment I come into the living room... people have told me, "isn't that sweet, she wants to be with me"... apparently I am irresistible company for teenage girls... but I don't want to watch more repeats of reruns of shows I did not want to watch when they were first on, thanks... so she is watching TV an drinking Pepsi and I ask about my CD player, which is my usual escape from the constant living room TV, and she asks if I want it... ummmm, yeah...

ah, life with Precious...

the charger for the cell phone is still lost somewhere up north, forgotten on her trip up there to visit her friends, so my charger becomes her charger... and now my CD player becomes her CD player... and dear old dad does not seem to get my almost daily reminders that he needs to take his daughter's needs more seriously, like food to eat and proper diet, for instance... I seem to have adopted two more kids (lifetime patterns I used to love) and I am realizing that poverty makes taking care of others much more challenging than it is when money is little or no object... those of you who've seen life and nurturing from both sides might understand what I mean...

I know, Rasputin works long odd hours... but then, so do I... almost the same hours, actually, though he has an hour of drive time to add in each day and a possessive antisocial girlfriend who wants nothing to do with his daughter... I seem to have a whole lot more time to spend with his daughter than he does... unless she goes into his bedroom to try to get his attention away from the computer, he sits in the same room with her less than an hour a day, some days not at all, usually zoned into the TV... talks to her a lot less... and she is obviously craving interaction and social life...

when Precious moved down we moved into this new three bedroom apartment and he moved his huge corner desk unit that took up the entire 8x10 foot solarium (that both apartments have, a nice windowy area off the living room) and computer into his bedroom and I'm thinking, wow, space we can all use, unblocked windows, cool... and he bought the TV for Precious before she moved down here so she'd have one in her room (she already had a DVD player for her room)... neither get used...

ok, so how do I really feel about my current living situation?...

ultimately, if you really understand journaling and have been paying attention here, this diary is about me... I may be reflecting what is around me, I may appear to be focused on (or complaining about) the external world, but if you have insight and wisdom and sensitivity to the deeper meanings in the written words, you might sense that more of who I am and what I am about comes out in my reflective rambles about life around me than when I actually attempt an introspective analysis... but I won't tell you this secret too often so you can read these words (and all the rest) as you wish and if you wish...

yes, as you wish...

if the dynamic between them was healthier (healthier living habits and more nurturing interactions and more attentive care and more responsible actions), it would be wonderful... under all my superficial whining (which actually comes from my own choice to allow the living space to become a distraction from frustration with my own personal loneliness for intimacy and is no one's responsibility but mine), I love these guys and I love the nurturing opportunity they provide (though I physically can not afford it and I must be more responsible about their needs tapping into my savings)... the challenge for me outside of myself is to figure out how to motivate them to change their unhealthy living habits and increase their awareness and conscious responsibility for themselves, their stuff, their living space (and in turn, my stuff, which is most of the stuff in this space and the living space we all are supposed to share)... I try not to buy into age old cliches about the degree of difficulty encountered when attempting to teach old dogs new tricks...

these are the challenges life provide to keep me from focusing too much on my own traumas and tragedies... these are the distractions life provides that keep me from giving up on myself and my dreams and humanity... these are the promises I made to myself long ago, perhaps in the womb, perhaps long before... these are the reasons I exist...

anybody else?






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
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the moment

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