this diary is now back in real time, today is the date at the top... it took more than a week to get caught up and as you'll see if you look back, the mood and creativity were both lacking their usual energy (which is one big reason I fell behind, but does it really matter anyway?)... you can follow along the long and winding road of catch up entries by clicking on these links in order right here or you can go to the older entries page and see the entries in the order they were written (which is in a different from the order of the linked words above)... or you could just forget there were previous entries if you do not have time (or interest) and read this entry and move along to your next reading or activity... the choice is yours, as always, as you wish...

and now there's today...

I roamed around DLand and the web as usual and have a long list of where I've been links for the end of this entry... I am noticing a pattern... more and more I am finding people who are happy and in love... I find myself wondering where all the lonely people have gone to... I know you're out there somewhere... maybe it's just easier to keep updating daily when there's happiness and sharing going on in a life (as if my blah blah blah lonely-boy entries and recent silences only to be filled by innocusous catch up sessions does not prove that, huh?)...

I love hearing that I am lovable (and bless those who tell me I am)... I believe it, even though nobody nearby seems to want to prove it these days... yes, I mean well... harmless intentions is the fundamental building block of who I am... and I love to share and give and help people... it makes me happy...

so then I start wondering what am I doing here whining about how lonely I've been... why don't I feel like going out anywhere... this has been the pattern for the last few weeks, at least... I do go places, besides work, I mean, but I am not bringing the same level of energy and enthusiasm I used to... and I'm not organizing any activities anymore... it's like I've lost interest in the circle of people I know... it may just be a temporary phase, but it's happening...

the best I can do with coming up with any reasoning for it is that I am throwing the baby out with the bathwater... that is, I am lonely for romance and intimacy and one-on-one nurturing and because I don't have a baby of my own (to follow the analogy), I am just chucking the whole idea of socializing... it is becoming unavoidably obvious that I want to be part of a couple again...

and I am sighing altogether too much lately...

maybe it's hormones... anyway, I remember writing:

trust only scares me when I feel like I've got something to lose... it was once my greatest fear and yet, now, by delusion or misfortune, I leave everything behind and therefore have nothing to lose... I wonder if anything should matter to me, if not today, then tomorrow... maybe... again... ... ... oh.

and then I lost my train of thought... how many songs were titled or about a Runaway Train... the mind so easily becomes distracted even when nobody is here and the TV is off... they'll be home any minute now though and I do have to work tonight, so it's not as if I can just take off and let my mind wander wherever (cuz that can take a week or few, easy)...

Janis wrote "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" and it would seem that I am tired of being free... but then, freedom is a state of mind and I've yet to find anyone who can share it (at least not my mind... it's running around too much, or so I am told)... if I could only stop my mind...

and just a couple of hours ago, here in the space, I found Precious standing around for some reason... she might have been working up to asking me for a ride somewhere since Rasputin now works day shift and is not around every day to pick her up if she stays after school (as she did yesterday when she called for a ride) or to take her places after school (as she said she is going to a friend's house today to study... chemistry... that's good news, so maybe yesterday's chemistry studying we did helped motivate her to turn up her studying a notch or few)... anyway, she is eating leftover pizza (Rasputin ordered it yesterday, though just one pie for himself... I am noticing that when I order food I ask what they want and order for everybody and they eat heartily, but that is not reciprocated most of the time... the strange thing is Raspy's income is more than twice my income... maybe I should start counting, but I never have and I don't want to) and Pepsi, of course... since the friend lives nearby and she can use the exercise, I encouraged her to walk and she did...

and here we are, another day so much the same as other days except that I found time to write (and upload), so it is actually the date stamped above, and once again time is running out...

on what?...

yes, on what... what is all this writing to do?... for me?... for you?... for anyone?... why do I feel any pressure at all to do anything when there is nothing to do except whatever the next moment might present... when there is nobody home to hold me tight, nobody home to kiss goodnight... eeek, the lyrics are attacking, run for the hills... and soon we'll be laughing at me again, huh?... how does the old song go, without love I am nothing at all... without feeling love and being loved and loving...

do I believe this?...

no, I do not... I know I am me and I love me (even when I am not taking very good care of me, nudge nudge) and I know I have a whole lot to offer others (even if people stopped coming around to take as much as I can give, I'd know it)... thing is, I want to give and receive (share, it's called sharing... sharing everything unconditionally) one on one (am I repeating myself enough yet?... sending out an S.O.S. to the world... la la la)...

I just want to love and be loved so much...

ya know?

maybe I should just give you all the links to the placed I've been online in the past couple of weeks (not all the places, of course, for that would be ridiculous, right... ah, sweet sarcasm, one of the old friends who've stuck around through thick and tin cups... actually, some, sometimes a lot of the new links listed in my and this is where I wandered this week segments are impulse shopping deals cuz I did not have time to explore the site but something there {could have been the visual or a quote or anything} said to me come back again sometime and hopefully I will) and call this entry concluded... but there was something trying to be said, really, so I hope you don't feel like we wasted our time here...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)