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last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

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CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
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last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
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movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

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utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
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reel classics


fallout shelter
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the truth laid bear
reason
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nobody here




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odd todd
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church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
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fark
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post secret
webby awards
meetup
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ragged trousered philosopher
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the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
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real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
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Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
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(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
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let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-02-23 - 10:40 p.m.

just another night at home (again)


if you've been reading me a while (I've been rambling on line for a lot of years, after all), you know that there's ups and downs and lots of playful teasing (of myself and old friends and you, dear readers) in my words... and my dreams... there's a song by Hoobastank called The Reason that haunts one of my core personal dreams (as opposed to my dream for a better life for everyone and peace and love to overcome fear and greed in this world)... I am so hoping to find a reason to live in another person (not really wanting to return to someone I knew, but to find the person who's been looking for me as I've been looking for her)... that is all that's missing, really... I have all the reasons I need for living for myself... sharing is the only missing piece of the puzzle of perfect happiness into of me...

but not just sharing, sharing the way I want to share... sharing honestly... sharing deeply... sharing the meaning of hearts, the deepest desire and dreams of the spirit of anima or whatever we choose to call that which makes us who we are... and sharing the moments, most of all, sharing the moments without inhibition or reservation... unconditionally... sharing the love that we are born with (am I sounding too sixties?)... sharing unconditional trust...

and John Lennon's Imagine plays in my mind...

so I get home from work and there's Rasputin waiting for a ride to the car rental place... an hour or so later, home again, well past the fatigue and now ready to eat... actually, when I get way overtired as I did this morning and there are people around, I'll usually say yes to food cuz fatigue leads to hunger for food and socializing... especially when I am frustrated with myself... since I stayed awake yesterday to drop Precious at school cuz she was late and then got up way early to take Raspy to work cuz he hasn't had a car since before Christmas, I was way overtired (did I mention I tend to repeat myself when I am way overtired?) and frustrated that my intentions for changing habits were lead so drastically off course...

so now he has a car for a week... and we stopped for ice cream, so... yeah, stupid took over again this morning and I ate more of their leftovers (something processed and frozen... since they were not going to eat them) and two (yes two) medium sized bowls of ice cream with chocolate fudge topping (did I mention buying the chocolate fudge topping?)...

and then I sat back and fell asleep, since it was well past bedtime by that time... and now I feel bloated... of course... so I will not eat tonight... of course... and by morning I'll be sugar-low tired and starving and ready to eat anything in the fridge, easy comfort food first... and then I'll fall right to sleep... and the cycle begins in ernest all over again...

stupid.

what is all this confrontation, anyway?... where is the sweet denial and avoidance that envelopes my consciousness and lets me waste away in a vegetative stupor that passes as life from day to day?... gee wiz, it's so much easier that way...

I should not be laughing, huh?...

and I am really impressing anyone who might happen to be reading this who might happen to have room in their lives for a new friend... sure, I'd call up someone who sounds a lot like a pathetic loser who can't even control his own impulses or life, for that matter... my luck, someone who might be my next best friend will stumble into this diary this week and find all this personal weakness stuff (instead of the clever repartee, aye?) and reject me offhand without scanning through other entries to really get a fuller picture of who I am...

but then, a true friend will see through the dumb choices I am making at the moment and find the goodness and kindness and most important of all, strength and security that is behind the honesty in my public babblings (hey, could I be a PR person or what?... but then, I never did want to sell anybody anything, especially not me... is that why I am alone?)...

we'll leave that parentheses and the query within it for another time so we don't get too distracted and forget... forget what?... wow, am I confronting myself and not letting go?... am I really kicking denial and avoidance to the curb?... wouldn't that be nice (not quite a Beach Boys song, but amusing to me nonetheless)...

ok, so maybe if I confront the habits like this and include the word stupid, like kind of symbolically on a like of it's own with a period to hopefully get me to pause and reflect... and maybe if I do that every time it (it what?... the stupid habits?... yeah, that's a good it for this it to be) happens, something will change... it certainly does not feel great to write out what is obviously stupid choices... maybe the fact that I am not ignoring it is the best thing I can do right now...

it's time to watch The 4400... I love sci-fi... I think I love it most because it takes off the gloves and masks (or at least has the potential to)... the limits we accept (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) as human life can be put aside and the possibilities beyond our existence can be explored... some of the ideas are very possible to do in our physical reality... some are beyond what we know as laws of nature or physics or whatever limits we find in our physical world... some challenge age old ways and I like that...

I feel most comfortable, as me, in a science fiction story... that may be sad for some to read, and yet, it is reality as I know it... I am not comfortable in this world of limited thinking and frightened feeling and rigid rules about how we can share... I stay out of human jails by following most of the human laws, but definitely feel like an alien most of the time...

and then I realize how many human frailties I've accumulated over the years... I say accumulated because I learned most of the unhealthy and weak habits I now find myself repeating too often for comfort in my life... I lived for many years as a vegetarian and for a few years as a Vegan... as a child, I instinctively avoided meats and fish and many things that adults tried to force on me (well beyond foods)... it isolated me... a lot... as a teen, I tried to conform enough to have a social life, but I remained outside even as I appeared the center of more than one group... as a young adult, I wandered through space (sometimes wasted on the drugs of the times, sometimes high on the natural beauty and life of the planet)... through it all I've searched for a partner because I need nothing else...

as I perceive it, life is for sharing... it is why we have physical forms... why we are in separate physical bodies... why we are individuals... any other form of existence might have other opportunities and reasons for being, but in these physical bodies, we have the opportunity to explore the physical world... and learn to actually share it... to interact with everything and each other... to find ways to interact and share that are sustainable, that are not destructive, that are peaceful, comfortable, and feel good...

habits come and go... I indulge all sorts of physical experiences, some healthy, some not healthy, mostly out of curiosity for I love learning and feeling being alive... I explore the less healthy (the typical human habits) mostly out of boredom and loneliness... ultimately, I know I control my decisions and actions... and that isolates me all the more from the bulk of humanity...

that's why I can laugh at the stupid, because I know it's temporary... just something to do to pass the time and experience different aspects of and paths in this life... most people in this country are overweight, many obese... I don't particularly want to experience obesity, but this overweight thing is curiously uncomfortable and I've never understood why people do it... I guess I am trying it to try to understand...

and as I am doing it now, I understand the oral gratification of comfort foods... I understand the strangely uncomfortable comfort of feeling the stomach pressure on all the other organs... I am not sure if it is a security thing, a reassurance that I do not have to be hungry... or if it a self-indulgence thing, nurturing the infantile needs... or if is a self-destructive thing, feeding self-pity and ultimately, killing myself slowly...

hopefully, before this life ends as we know it, I will find someone who truly understands me and who also seeks a partner as I do... and until then, I'll ride the roller coaster of emotions that I find and create by exploring life and all the different human ways, the positive and the negative, the wise and the stupid...

love your self and enjoy your time...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




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