LIFE

IN
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last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
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ONE. . . WHY
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Barbara Waters: so candoor, what all this fuss about blogmad?

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o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

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ABOUT ZOOPLA

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FAT MAN WALKING
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last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2006-04-26 - 7:39 a.m.

gay cocken offen yam? (isoc, part two)


birds do it, bees do it, even the fishes in the seas do it and you can do it too if you jump in (in other words, to continue the thread of thought from the previous entry, stop waiting for Godot or whatever and jump in the water is fine and if you get eaten by a shark, well, you won't have to be lonely on the island anymore, right?

you may have blinked and missed the last few entries so if you're interested, go ahead, I'll wait this is part two, after all, and a sequel takes time to come out just right and all those words that came before serve some attention too, so if you've missed a few, saunter back and indulge your curiosity (and my ego) and stroke it where it'll do the most good for you, I mean you wouldn't want to miss a thing, would you? or maybe you do alas, we can't please everyone so gay cocken, gay cocken offen, even yam?

it may have been an irreverent idiom once, but now it's the title of one of my entries, so it's obviously important excuse me whilst I yawn am I boring me? how rude the point is, there is sometimes no point, but when there is, it is not always clear and yet so many demand (of themselves or others) clarity so many assume in order to create some clarity (false as it is) and then, in their infinite ignorance, judge

have you judged me?

I hope most of you have not, since most of you have not met me and therefore, how could you know enough to judge anything even after spending a few hours with a relative stranger you know only through words online, how could you really know the person? I would re-read my word on the subject if I was connected at the moment (I'm at work again seems I write much more at work lately than at home this is because I've had my own computer at work for the last few months and also because, for the last two months, I've been spending much of my online time at home chatting at, your guessed it, blogmad, in addition to the slight increase in browsing I do since starting to surf through blogmad sites actually, I may be browsing less if I actually could measure I am certainly saving fewer links, if that's a sign I mean in my and this is where I wandered this week entries that's cuz I'm seeing sites I already linked before and haven't put up one of those entries in weeks I suppose I still haven't completely adjusted to adding blogmad to my daily routine I'm not sure if it's an overall change that will continue, especially the habit of not uploading an entry every day that I seem to have fallen into lately though I am experiencing a backlog of completed entries since I am trying not to upload a bunch all at the same time hmmmm, I am pondering whether I am spending too much time pondering the presentation, or at least the timing of uploading entries, and if that is distracting me blip blip blip maybe that is like shitting in the ocean)

and am I investing too much time and energy into pondering whether anyone has judged me? let's see if you are a complete stranger, your judgment of me is meaningless, perhaps the most meaningless of all so investing time in that would be a waste except for ego who really gets into the superficial popularity things

if we've exchanged notes/comments and read each others words sometimes, then our judgments of each other as people are still pretty much assumption and wishful thinking I always try to see the person behind the site as a beautiful person with good intentions who has the same love and potential in them as I do investing time in assumptions is a waste, but if you really are a beautiful person and I just don't know it cuz you haven't shown me, well, it's good karma points

but to know each other?

heck, I'm still getting to know myself and the people I live with (for years) so in the end, it's really pretty futile to judge anyone, especially online especially if it's any sort of negative judgment so I am reminding myself that if someone does not like me (and says so) or someone does like me (and says so), it is only as meaningful to me as I want it to be because I am imagining who that person is, really

so I will imagine that everyone who tells me, through words or gifts, or favorites lists, or comments, or any which way, that they like me is smart, wise, beautiful, intelligent, good, loving, kind, generous, beautiful, and, of course, right

and everybody who does not like me and tells me in some way, they just missed the point of how wonderful I am and are forgiven for their misunderstanding after all, they are the ones missing out

and this is just the tip of the iceberg of the fantasies we all create for ourselves, the illusions we buy into as our reality or perhaps that's just me, so if this perspective disturbs you, then nevermind it's not you, it's just me who plays these mind games with myself

and I love them, most of the time

especially when I find a muse who inspires my rhymes especially if that person does not mind even more if he or she encourages me worhip is ego's domain, but feel free or when I find a photo of a face or body that turns me on (I seldom find someone encouraging me to go on from there so much fear and such, alas, their loss) imagining is what it's all about and as I've said many times over the years, it's so much sweeter when someone understands, sweeter still when that person encourages my muses to continue the imaginary journey of falling in love with the illusion they inspire in my mind and it's sad when that is misunderstood or unwanted but like Bob said, some people are disconnected

come to think of it, I think Bob cocked in the yam

and that is the point, obviously (well, obvious to some, I hope) Bob isn't real (shhhh, don't tell him) we aren't really real in the sense of what is real in our daily lives we move toward becoming closer to real when we start actually interacting, communicating, conversing and if we talk on the phone we take a whole new step toward being real for each other another level of closeness that is still so much based on hope and imagination, but much more real than silently reading words

and if we find time and means to visit, to spend some time in space with each other, we move the realness exponentially closer to actual realness (whatever that might be for each of us in our daily physical lives) it's a good thing, I think, to think positively and create closeness through words it's even better, I think, to build bridges through other communications when you find someone you appreciate and want to call a friend but as in anything, it can be dangerous to assume too much

it probably takes some measure of wisdom (maturity, intelligence, experience, sense, whatever it might be called) to understand and relate to what I am saying here to differentiate between the real and the illusion (when they are so much the same in so many ways, but that's another story loosely outlined in books like The Celestine Prophesy (James Redfield) and Illusions (Richard Bach), among others perhaps a tale told by a madman to a fool who wrote it down or an idiot, for that matter but be that as it may or may not be, I hope you all can relate to what I am saying here

and Bob, relate to Bob too he neeeds after all

and if I believe that need is an illusion, what then? confusion? exclusion? seems so, at least sometimes even refusal and hostility forged in denial's hellish bosom

rage against this machine, why don't you? it could be that some of us are left for others to care for and some of us are left alone, but some of us don't care at all according to all their actions have shown, but they'll tell you they care and justify their evil deeds by claiming they are thinking of some other people's needs when all they really want to do is satisfy their greed and if they cared they'd stop doing the things that make others bleed the meter isn't just quite right, but that's not all that's wrong and there are more important things than making this a song and when the truth arrives will you claim you knew all along? and what will you do if you have been wrong?

the fact is (if a fact exists) that sometimes there is no point (or so you might believe), but there is ,I>always a message, even when it appears dull, blunt, or non-existent it is like tumblers in an infinite lock, some may appear inconsequential to the opening of the lock at any given moment, but the combinations required to unlock the lock are constantly changing and each tumbler exists for a specific purpose and if you truly want open the lock, you must figure out just the right combination for the precise moment you are there

or here, for that matter where words become tumblers and understanding becomes that which is locked within the words I know you were clever enough to see that analogy coming, being that you have minds and all, but did you dare to step through the door (or are you still fumbling with the lock?)

gay cock in what?

ah, the title revisited it's actually not English and it has nothing to do with a gay cock in anything it's Yiddish if I must divulge secrets so blatantly (how rude), which is (if memory serves me right) a kind of Jewish German dialect or is that Russian? or some such eastern European mixture of Hebrew and Germanic tongues I had a Jewish grandmother in one of my adopted families in NYC and I picked up a few words here and there of course I have no idea how to spell them, but I estimate phonetically

see, I went and spoiled the mystery of the title

well, a little but at least the entry itself remains a mystery, which is the point of the entry (what?) anyway if you only believe what your eyes see, or worse, if you only believe what your mind tells you your eyes see, then you could not understand what is going on in me because all you know is what's going on in you and it's that way for most of us, but there are a few who dare to remain open for what is true and we're better for that even if it never comes for we didn't assume and didn't prejudge and didn't succumb to our fears of not knowing and when everyone gave up we still kept going and when everyone's asleep we still keep growing

how long have I been sleeping
how long have I been drifting on through the night
how long have I been holding on with all my might
for the one I need?

paraphrased, of course hoping to find with all of my might why has no one made that connection because no one really has time to read enough to know it's probably spelled out in rhyme or babble in candora over the ages (yes, candora babbles too, just not very often) it should be in the musical journeys, but those were left so unfinished it could be we haven't gotten there yet but surely it was left in the previous journals I've been doing this babbling online almost every single day since 1997, after all

where do I begin to tell the story of how great a love can be?

sugar rush into a sweet nod, bloated belly begs for supine pastures, discomfort distracts, the mind reacts, and that's the facts, that's the facts will I still be able to eat a whole pound of M&Ms in one sitting with a liter of Code Red or super sweet something drink as a chaser when I am old? how about when I am sixty-four? will you still be bringing me a Valentine? still pulling all-nighters? a quarter to three? will anyone be there at all?

then again, maybe many have made the connection and lost it yawning it's still the same old story, after all and that seems to get boring for most people in fact, many flat out reject the emotional from their lives males call it chick flicks and maybe females call it sappy and put it down... laugh it off demean the power of the heart afraid to feel afraid to let anyone know hey, you've got to hide your love away

and that is why some of my most personally profound (or at least revealing) entries may be buried three or more deep in a flood of words and entries though I am not so sure about that this time, or anymore, perhaps, since I am exposing that trick of the hide-away trade right here and now and what about the fifty entries I uploaded right here behind the candoor on one August day last year?

those were actually written all that one day in August last year the link has been on the left all along, along with all those other links to lists of things about me and other places I write and other entries I've highlighted along the way no, I did not write all of the pages linked on the side there and those are definitely not all my sites but I am tucked away there, in case you wanted to know more but were afraid to ask not nearly everything, just a lot more

but who has time? I don't and if you did have that much time on your hands, who'd want to spend it all reading page after page of details about a stranger far far away? I mean, this isn't like some popular novel you can reference in your writings or conversations, after all I am no Harry Potter or Frodo or Dumbledore or Gandolf, for that matter just a little of all and a touch of Hermione and Liv Tyler's character but would it be more intriguing if I used more historic literary references? a character from Poe, perhaps? epic or gothic or classic or popular, what can you relate to most? what will attract your attention (am I writing to a ghost? or a dream?)

a midsummer night's dream, perhaps

or was that the first of December

anyway, so what if I told you that this entry appears constipated to me? what would Bob say? do you care? do you know? some are simple, some are complex and some are words I never even heard of neither has Webster but it's ok cuz it's fun for me

and since I'm the only one here in my head (except for the others) and the only one here while writing this (looks around) and the only one here most of the time anyway (oh poor me, get over it) and all that jazz, well, if it's fun for me then it's happening, dude

I'll be adding to this entry when I wake up probably or maybe I'll be uploading another while you blink I am way behind, after all many dates have been missed and they will be filled in eventually, you know that

well, a few of you do

later






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the moment

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