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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-10-11 - 10:48 p.m.

introspection, sort of


tonight (there was actually a paragraph here, something to this thought, really there was... I uploaded this in a hurry and then days when by with distraction and I have no idea what this paragraph might have been about, other than the likelihood that it was related to tonight, but it was here once, really)...

anyway, remind me I want to return to these again, even if a few might be for the first time... I decided I am going to do another 202 things using luva's as the base... eventually... I already saved it to a text file so I can start rambling on...

more time, must find more time...

trancejen is one of the most adorably insightful and enjoyable writers who ever lightened the internet... since she's closing in on a millionb page views, I figured she didn't need my mentioning her, but this week, since she's bleeding so much, I decided to make an exception and try to send her a few more readers... go hug her... but bring an extra towel...

and genius in English is even better than genius in a language I do not understand... amazing...

ok, I'll get to my entry about myself now, since it's the narcississtic drivel you actually come here for and as usual, time is running out on our time together... first, I shall ponder the past entry or few because they just popped into my mind because I just read them again because they actually received comments (begging works, oh Marvin, begging works)...

yes, it is sad when I have to ramble on about my roommates quasi-love life because I have none of my own... it's simple, quasi is better than none... I know that my loneliness is all about my pickiness, that is, my stubborn determination not to be seduced by anybody who is not absotively posilutely libido fantasy and more deeply, unconditionally trusted and most likely living with me, or really ready to as proven by her chaining herself to my bed...

on a related thought, I must slow down on my oral fixation... there is more to life than oral gratification and just because I miss kissing (see above) does not mean I should substitute food all the time... I could sing, after all... even though I do not have the privacy or the space where no one is sleeping... maybe... come to think of it, I do have the space to myself when I get home from work some days... but I come here to read and write rather than jumping in the shower and singing or even more to the point, heading for the trail or gym to move more...

to continue the related thoughts, I must eat less and move more... my diet is balanced, mostly, what with a package of chocolate pudding, a family sized veggie lazagna, and a large salad making up breakfast this morning... well, not actually breakfast, I mean, I ate it about 9am, but that's dinner for me... actually, that's a late night snack time for me... work the night shift a while, you'll understand what I mean...

I didn't eat anything since and it's twelve hours later, but it's still too much for one sitting cuz it expands the belly and then the belly wants more sooner and the mouth is all too happy to oblige because of the oral fixation and lack of kissing (or singing)...

so why?... cuz I wait for someone to stimulate me, to appeal to me, to cut through the massive defenses I seem to have built around me while I wasn't looking, using a very narrow libido laser beam to sever the connection most male bodies have between their penis and their the brain that is between the ears... so I reject everyone based on sventy gazillion details that make too much sense in my brain and people don't 3want to be my friend because of it... see the la la letters a few months back for proof of this theory...

it's kind of the same thing here in this world of words...

I know I write too much about myself and ask too many rhetorical questions and answer myself more often than not, a lot more often than not, and so there's not much left to comment upon by the time I'm through using up all the words... the word tree needs time to grow more and by then, there's another entry sucking up the allocation of words in the same know too much rhetorical self-answering style and so, self-perpetuating aloneness on every level...

sucks to be me sometimes because I want to share so much (if I didn't want to share, I'd be perfectly content, blissful, in fact, to bop through this life as me cuz I am the coolest thing since anything (sliced bread's got nothing on me) and love myself more than anything in this universe cuz I am just so much fun for me to be with and I was probably a twin who absorbed my twin and therefore my soulmate is already inside me, in spirite at least, which explains why I have not been able to find my soulmate and why I am so alone in this world...

of course it could also be my ego...

for further proof of at least one of the points already touched upon in this entry, just in case you missed the amazing comment section that bore (is that spelled right?) fruit when I begged for it and the revealing responses I provided long after everyone was gone, you have one more chance to know more...

the DLand server has slowed to a dead crawl again... I think it has more to do with time of day than anything else... still, it sucks because I pay for this service that does not work for me when I want it to work... I do not find such slowness on LJ when I upload there, but then, I am not there every day... suppose there is no perfect service, but the servers could definitely be upgraded and more added so peak times are not so dang slow and changes and entries and comments do not get timed out and therein lost in the ether...

anyway, do you realize that if you hooked up with blogrolling or bloglinker you'd probably be listed on that list to the left?... eventually, I suppose I might create a whole new page for each of the lists on the left, when they get so long that it would take more than a day to type out an entry that would scroll down to keep up with them... I'd have a right side column if everyone had a 21 inch monitor... since getting mine, many pages at DLand open off to the left... most of the ones who don't scrolled off the screen to the right on a normal sized screen, which meant a lot was missed without the inconvenience of scrolling side to side... I must test out the percentage widths instead of fixed widths for tables one of these days... I used to use percentages on my old site and decided to go to fixed and now I'm not sure which is better... I'll stop talking geek now...

Precious just got home... she came over to tell me about her night at choir and more fun with the new boyfriend... dinner and some quality time upstairs at the deserted school... at least somebody in this house is getting hugged and kissed a lot...

I know, don't be jealous...

I did mention that she did nothing in the way of cleaning up yesterday after she promised she would and she promised she would tomorrow, or Thursday when she has the whole day off... she didn't notice I bagged the trash that was sitting on the kitchen counters, which filled a full bag, she made excuses, too tired, out all day, just got home, etc... I mentioned that it took me less than 60 seconds to open a trash bag and stick all the trash in the bag and tie the bag... the full trash bag total at the front door is now five, with my stuff maybe filling most of one... she acknowledges how unhealthy it is, but does not want to see it as disrespectful it is, especially since 90% of the trash in this place is created by her and her dad (because they drink so much Pepsi and bring hom fast food and restaurant food so much)... she so wants to excuse her lazy anti-cleaning habits, but it's not easy when it's so obvious...

ok, your tired, going to bed?...
yes...

that's when the phone rang and she went to her room to talk a while... next it'll be on the computer to ring up more AIM and text messages... but not one minute (and too tired) for cleaning up though... I used to rant here about the messy living space, but I seem to have adapted... I clean up a lot less myself now... I don't exactly like that habit, but I don't think about it often enough for it to bug me...

these days I am, now that I look in the mirror, far from the me I know as me... I suppose that undermines any chance of finding someone who is like the me I am far from who will share time and space and help me get back to the me I know myself to be... but then, I think of the scene in Hook where the kid squishes Peter's face and says, there you are, or something like that... and I keep thinking that's possible, that someone will notice I am in here in spite of my current Oscar Madison lifestyle...

then we come back to the beginning of this entry and my stubbornness about responding to anyone that does not fit that narrow libido fantasy and more seriously, get past the defenses around my unconditional trust sensor... I do not think nobody can be trusted unconditionally in spite of all the evidence I have to the contrary, I just may have retired from trying to trust and await that one magical moment person who wakes me up inside by reaching my instinctive unconditional trust sensor and making it go ding ding ding...

sometimes it's instantaneous, though momentary and rather superficial or at least distant, like seeing someone in words and images on the next and falling in love (sippy and cutething and a few others fall into that distant, though deeper than can be explained place in me... and candora is full of such fantasies, though few as intense or stimulating)...

but in the physical world there's not been a spark of such desire in years... that is scary to realize, in spite of my laughing at the pathos of the whole experience... I may have given up on something that I thought I lived for, the most important reason to be alive I've ever known... that would be very sad, if it is true... I will not look deeper to decide at the moment, because I'm late for work again (not even time to check if there are typos... I'll upload this if DLand lets me)...

clever little cliffhanger?...

nite nite...






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