and today's entry is about...

I do not initiate intimacy these days for many reasons that remain all too valid for me and have explained some as much as I care to for now... there is a bipolar desire in me that sometimes tears at the fabric of reality in my mind...

I want to share everything unconditionally with someone, a specific someone who I have yet to identify, who inspires me to feel she is the soulmate who can share as I do from similar enough perspectives that it feels like magic... I want to fall in love, to share life and space and love and dreams with someone in physical spaces...

the other end of that desire is I do not want to compromise core ideals or perspectives... I do not want to settle for someone who does not satisfy my bottom lines... and ultimately, that which words can not express, I do not want to enter into a life partnership with someone who does not reach the places in me where there are no words or reasons or rhymes, where only comfort and satisfaction and those intangibles we might call magic can be found...

I seek someone who, by simply being who they are, triggers the chemicals in my brain to create euphoria in this brain/body I call mine...

and I wallow in despair at times and lament over loneliness in recent years because patience wears thin and I do not want to take comfort and share the intimacies of life with someone who does not stimulate or inspire me to that aforementioned euphoria...

those who come close to me and especially those who imagine me as someone they could love (or fall for) sometimes offer themselves as stand-ins, as the one until the one comes along and I have entered into such conditional relationships before, but they sometimes end badly for one reason or another...

throughout this life I have been asked what are you doing to find her more often than I care to remember and my reply is usually the same... I live my life... I go out often, accept social invitations, and above all else make eye contact, say hello, offer compliments, stay optimistic, and intiate conversations whenever possible everywhere and anywhere I go... and as you may have noticed, I ramble on daily and post many of the words I write about myself (and hopes and dreams and imaginations and illusions and creative fantasies and so on) on the web for anyone to find and read...

I do believe people learn to love one another, but the romantic notions that soften the magic and allows people to believe that learning tolerance is a fair substitute for the magic of instinctive chemical and spiritual/ethereal attraction does not work for me... in that way I am based too much in the reality of how I feel and therein have few long term intimate relationships in this life... fuzzy logic (or fuzzy magic) doesn't work for me in matters of my personal romantic heart...

I believe in love at first sight, or first instinct since I have and use all of my senses in my observations and interactions in this world... I believe the magic (for lack of a better word... the connection, the trigger for the right chemicals in the brain) exists and is present in the first moment of contact, even if we are not consciously aware of it at that moment (and ideally, it wakes us up to become aware of it at that moment)... I believe in soulmates, those who trigger the right chemicals, instantly make the right connections, and inspire the falling in love feeling because of who they are) and I accept that there probably is more than one soulmate in life at any given time for each of us...

and while I do not hide from life or wait for others to come to me, I do not wish to give my most intimate time to someone who is is not a soulmate... in recent years especially, I have chosen to remain alone rather than accept a semi-comfortable compromise...

and ever day as the wave of loneliness threatens to wash away all hope in this lifetime, I re-evaluate that choice... I debate the pros and cons of the decision... and assess the possibilities and hold my breath until my new decision arrives from that part of my I call my gut, instinct, subconscious, conscience, self, anima, spirit, soul, whatever the label... and the choice remains, hold out for the one (or at least someone a lot closer than anyone I know as a flesh and blood being in physical spaces today...

did I just explain something I thought I was not going to explain?... yes and no... the intangibles beyond the words, the actual qualities and things that go into making the magical connection, that is still for the shared experience without words... I can use abstract words like honesty, innocence, harmlessness, intelligence, open mind, security, self-esteem, duality, irreverent seriousness and serious irreverence, curiosity, intensity, determination, independence, insatiable hunger to share and the ability to actualize it by overcoming all fears (without ignoring or denying anything), realness, existential perspectives, and the list of words can go on and on and none of them actually describe whatever it takes to trigger those chemicals, to create the mutual magic...

in any case, this is a bit more about the world that is me that exists behind the candoor, for whatever the knowledge may be worth to you... and however much of it you understand as I intended to mean (where the words did not fail us)...

it is good to have a day off J

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)