LIFE

IN
BLACK
AND
WHITE



last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
(how far are we from censorship?)

ONE. . . WHY
(find your social conscience)

Barbara Waters: so candoor, what all this fuss about blogmad?

Candoor: Blogmad? It's better than ever! Get more visitors (or find me in chat there). Register now and tell me for extra credits. VARB?


JOIN OR RE-REGISTER NOW

welcome blogmadians... and the rest of you, while still in beta, you can still join the latest greatest party on the web, blogmad!

SUPPORT BLOGMAD! BUY STUFF



o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

o O ( AND COMING SOON! ) O o

ABOUT ZOOPLA

o O ( AND CURRENT EVENTS ) O o


blogadvance blogazoo
blogexplosion blogmad?
bloglines


o O ( SOCIAL CONCERNS ) O o

HELP THE RED CROSS
MESSAGES FROM MISSISSIPPI
BLOG FOR RELIEF
NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL

(MIRROR OF N.O. JOURNAL)
(INCLUDING LIVE CAM AND PHOTOS)

HELP AND BE HELPED
HURRICANE HOUSING
LINKS TO HELP
IMAGES FOR HISTORY
New Orleans News
Buloxi News
THE FAILURE


FREE SPEECH
(tell them what you think)

The White House
(202) 456-1111

Senate and Congress
(202) 224-3121

YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHTS
USE THEM





FAT MAN WALKING
BLOGATHON!
INDEX BEGIN
FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-06-14 - 2:30 p.m.

in the beginning


the best laid plans of mice and men and childinsides do not always pan out, but we forge ahead anyway... I had intended to bring the extra computer here at work into the hallway so I could do some work (what?... do some work at work?... how UN-hippie can I get, after all, I am, in my spare time, single handedly trying to bring back the 60s, arent I?... wait, thats another story that will have to wait for another tangential parenthetic aside as time here is limited and there must be a point to be made that was interrupted by this parentheses so well say out, dang parentheses and continue wherever it was we were going before we were so irreverently interrupted)...

yes, so I intended to do some writing tonight... even answer some emails... unfortunately, I forgot the disks that have emails on them and I realized that bringing my laptop to work was too much wear and tear on the old girl (shell be 9 years old soon, and in laptop years, thats like a few hundred) and ineffective (not to mention highly against the rules, but then seldom matter much to me when they make no sense and prevent harmless productive activities) so I do not have my laptop either, so emails do not get the few moments of stolen time (time stolen from work, that is) that I am managing here and now at this moment which will be the past when you finally get to see these words but is still here and now at this moment for me right here and now, at this moment, that is...

and then, a minute past...

yeah, go ahead, tell me you know the reference in that last line... you wont win anything, unless you consider my smile and applause something worth winning, but itll be something you can do to prove you exist to me, at least... what is a winning smile, anyway, and who really has one?...

before we ponder the questions that the mice have yet to answer even with their vast computers and resources, lets see if we can catch up on the past week plus (how long has it been, really?... insert answer here: _13 days?_ or something like that... or perhaps below at this asterisk* or shall we footnote? or actually, an endnote since each entry is a single page here in this rambling place**... My Rambling Place... hmmm, I kinda like that as a title and might just use it {what?... start another new daily writing place?... the thought has been pondered a bit lately... after all, I often [usually, even] do when undergoing a major lifestyle change or adding a new essential ingredient to the daily life... so stay tuned, for that might just be what is happening... what this is, even... perhaps} and weve digressed rather far from wherever we were going this time, havent we?)...

a-herm, grrummph, and other throat clearing sounds...

so I was intending to use the computer here at work for some clandestine writing of my own (as if theres some vital importance to my rambling, aye?) and if the Watergate police or other authorities do not catch me and impound the computers (which would be a typical shoot-themselves-in-the-foot move for them as I do much work for them in these computers, work they deny I do in their grand meetings, but work that they vitally need and secretly individually appreciate as it is), this could be a very happy time for me (and for you, dear readers, who seem to enjoy whatever it is I may actually do here {in these public writings} with words)... and there have been glitches in the intended plan so far, but the ironing out of glitches is one of my specialties, so I shall continue with my intentions and hopefully have a functional (if not optimal) system for continued rambling on here eventually...

oh joy, more words...

sarcasm is completely unnecessary, you know, but it does amuse me so feel free to join in and until you do, Ill just do it for you as I imagine you might... and for those of you actually cheering whole heartedly, please come to my party when I actually find the moments and means to throw one again, even if I do not find the means to send you plane tickets this time (rich is nice, peace is better)...

I shall always hope my old friends find me and are somewhere out there reading now, or later, or whanever... and old loves too... for love never ends, in case you ever doubted that...

I love my broken records...

hey, this particular computer translates "shift-colon-close parentheses... keys into a WingDing font smiley face... I wonder if the computer I intend to eventually and regularly drag into the hall does that... theres always hope...

so where were we?

ah yes, returning to writing more by working out a functional way to write more at work... still using a temporary way for now, here we are if you come by here to check on my regularly or semi-regularly then what we all want to know is, of course, and where have I been...

well, some time this week I hope to update in much more detail (and include all the entries in my head for the past week plus that are presently missing, but then, if you read this after I upload them, they wont appear to be missing for you, but the dates will let you imagine that they were actually written on previous days even though they will appear after this entry...

dontcha just love the space-time continuum?

last week I worked a lot and was busy with all sorts of stuff that slips my mind at the moment and this past weekend I was out of town and did not bring the trusty old laptop or ask for computer access where I was because I was enjoying life offline and the computer there was almost always occupied when I passed the computer room... I was surprised that there was just one computer in the house, one working computer, that is, but then, not everyone is tied into a form of net-life like we are (am I?... wow, I suppose so... a little time away and I miss this public display of my madness and the responses you send to me... even though I hardly know you, you feel like friends and an integral part of my daily life and heart and mind and so I want to keep in touch even as I integrate more offline sharing into my daily life... that precarious balance*** again)...

oh my god, I cant believe, here I go again...

do you know that song?... yeah, I know, I could footnote/endnote every single reference that slips from the recesses of my mind into my babbling, but then, why should I?... the true test of your interest in knowing me is how much research youre willing to do and its simple enough to cut and paste a few words into a search engine and find the reference most any time, so not just for that reason, but much more because its fun to play the "name that tune/reference" game and even more because too many tangential thoughts might completely distract us from wherever it is/was we were going in the meaning of the message intended when the writing actually began (would that be today or this lifetime or something more spacey-heavy beyond than that even?), so Ill leave it for you to wonder or ignore or research or do whatever you please with these words and find the depth and meaning and story within as you wish...

cool?...

here shall follow a list of days, each with a few words of reminders of what may have happened or been on my mind on those particular days, in the hope that I might expound on each days reminders and therein provide an entry for each of the days of the past week plus (and well do this in reverse time order, just cuz thats what feels right this time):

Monday 13
work, fantasy baseball, sleep, work,

Sunday 12
the ranch, new friends, waking...

Saturday 11
the ranch, The Stock Exchange, bars, new friends, waking...

Friday 10
work 15 hours and (15 out of the last seven days), cleaning, packing, fantasy baseball, new friends, waking...

Thursday 9
work 10 hours, laundry, sleep-deprivation euphoria

Wednesday 8
work 10 hours, ummmm...

Tuesday 7
work, ummmmm...

Monday 6
work, uhhh...

Sunday 5
work,

Saturday 4
work,

Friday 3
work,

Thursday 2
work,

Wednesday 1
work (six out of the previous seven days),

I dont think Ive actually been away that long... and I remember slipping at least two entries in during this busy week plus period, but theres a working time-calendar list for me to add to as I think of things that happened or whatever was on my mind over the past week plus period in which I was mostly away from the computer and my writing places...

except for maybe an hour or so every few days on the desktop (where I dont do much writing as I prefer the comfort of the big green chair and the laptop for writing) checking fantasy baseball teams and occasionally returning to the desktop to copy more CDs in my ongoing project to copy every CD that ever existed (hey, its something to do with spare time in a lifetime, after all... what do you do with your free time, anyway?... besides read me and write yourself, I mean)...

the overall memories (which, for me, are sensory memories, feelings as opposed to conrete activities or experiences) are good to great with a lot of working thrown in to the mix... the best feelings are about this weekend at the ranch cuz of the people there (a whole new family I hope to call friends and be adopted into one day cuz the vibs are that good) and though the hopelessly hopeful romantic dreaming of falling in love at first sight dreamer in me sighs at himself because the intense lust at first sight physical attraction for me was not there, but then that is often what makes the best of friends the best of friends and the much deeper more important thing is that emotional psychological ethereal connections I felt were most definitely absotively posolutely wonderfantastic for me and hopefully reciprocal feelings are remembered by the new friend (who must be named here when I have a moment to ponder the worth and value and rightness of names for real offline people in this public online writing place... much pondering is in order)... alas, shes not into running, so the dream of racing up mountains and running marathons with a partner still longs for fruition... I don't know how she'll react to my seriously wanting to return to a body with less than 10% body fat again, or my wanting a partner who shares a similar goal... and purely physically, that is what attracts me most as well in my dreams and in real life... in recent years I've pondered the extremes of sexuality from accepting celibacy for the rest of this life to finding a partner who wants to explore the world of swingers, hedonism, and even promiscuous sexuality... and yet, do I want my the one to want to share sexuality with anyone else?... I suppose, if I loved her and was not willing to work to become close to her physical ideal, I would want her happiness and learn to share to give her more happiness in the physical world... I wonder how that would feel... and on another hand, I've lived without sharing sexuality for years now, but I've been sleeping and mostly dead in the physical world... do I stay that way?... or do I wake up my libido and lust and the dream of running marathons with my the one... and I am digressing... am I looking for a way to avoid intimacy and trust?... or just following my instinctive chemical attractions?... anyway, the physical world is so temporary to almost be meaningless at times and I'm still feeling profoundly wonderfully wonder-filled about my new friend... she's not into this online world much and may have no interest in developing any interest which would be sad for me since I love to write and share words so much and Ive grown very accustomed to this public writing thing and sharing weve got going on here, but relationships are about compromise, not perfection, and the question of balance and satisfaction (you know, you cant always get all you want... dontcha?... maybe... something related to this person, place, and time... once I compromise for a decade or so, but the creative hunger for sharing words and music and the passion of creation and singing was missing and that was too much compromise... she was very petite, my most instant purely physical attractions have always been with people smaller than a size one {always, right from the start, sigh}... though she remained flabby and that was not attractive to me because in my mind it is a lazy waste of the potential of the human body, but often I wish she'd have only entered my world of words and then, maybe) shall be pondered and discussed as we come to know each other... for now, much excitement bubbles inside...

so here we are again... the mind, being the terrible thing to waste that it is, is not being wasted and, in fact, waking up to remember what being alive is... and the body wants to follow (eat better, exercise, and all that jazz?... wow, wouldnt it be nice... even without all the musical and other references, nudge, nudge, wink wink, nod nod, bat bat, grin grin)...

. o O ( even thought someone who understands them all ) O o .

but its a wonderful thought just the same...

what is?...

oh, do I have to explain everything?...

sometimes...

not now...

ok...

hello...

how are you?...

can I get you anything?...

deep within your mind
what you hope to find
is already there

shhhh, Ill keep your secret
you dont have to say it
thats how much I care

just let it go
let it flow
trust I know
itll grow
even if you think
it never shows
I wont tell you if it does
unless you want me to
because I love you
that is what I do
I wont mention it again
not even a clue
and leave it all for you
what is real and true
you decide
what to share
what to hide
everything
is inside

oh wow, am I rhyming in the prose (who remembers?... who knows?)... am I thinking to myself without restrictions getting back to the love that is below and above where I can express myself and my convictions... no inhibitions... no contradictions... to make to most of ridiculousa (to just let go no matter who knows to just let it flow let it grow let it show for all to see to just be me and satisfied to be... and hope for enough interest to reach understanding)...

this is the way it used to be
I let the rhymes speak for me
for they expressed deeper things
like songs that the heart sings

this is the way I know myself
I let the rhymes sing to me
from deep within the core of my
heart and soul and mind

this is what I do
to get to what is true
this is the way I love myself
and you

so a new person enters my offline life and may actually truly care about me (and not betray me like so many who've ever been unconditionally trusted before have?... there's always hope, I hope) and will she share the most important aspects of true unconditional love, the unselfish wish for mutual happiness and above all else, the quest for truth?... oh I am such a dreamer, no wonder why I've always been alone, even when in a crowd, or part of a couple... oh, woe is me, have I been alone with my dreams and fantasies for too long?... scary thought... damned scary thought... will anyone ever truly understand me?...

sob, sob, huh?...

pity parties are amusing to me, especially my own (I do my best not to laugh at others until they are ready to laugh at themselves and hopefully they will eventually for if they don't they could die depressed and waisting away and that would be a very sad way to die)...

this entry has a few entries mashed into it I think... ultimately, at least ten entries are missing from the continuum of this rambling place and maybe this entry was a few of them, or maybe not... in any case, it's the start of actually finding some writing time at work and carrying it over to home... and maybe the start of deeper waking of the heart and mind and body and more and so much more...

I mean no harm
I just want love and family
so keep your sexuality
if that is in the way

I am a man
who craves sensuality
but will give up everything
to know trust again someday

to know companionship
and someone on whom I can depend
someone to believe in
someone to be a true friend

I'd give my fantasy
and every dream I ever dreamed of
if that's what it takes for me
to find someone to love

and if the child inside must die
if the body must fade away
I will trade lust for trust if I just
if I can believe it will stay

and if I never create a child
I'll give up that dream too
if that's what it takes to know love
and trust that remains true

sometimes a fantasy
must compromise
sometimes a fantasy
is made of lies
sometimes a fantasy
must close it's eyes
sometimes a fantasy
is not too wise

I will do my best to
give up my passions
my chemical attractions
my knew jerk reactions
my love at first sight
my lust for life
if I must for a wife
if I find the one
who wants nothing more
than to be my wife

I will try to close my eyes
if that's what it takes to be
part of a family
trusting a family
who will trust me

sometimes a fantasy
is the best life can be...

oh?... the extremes of my dichotomy are amazing to me sometimes as I ponder which is more important, the hunger to be unconditionally loved and trusted in a family way or purely instinctive passion or the quest for sharing truth... my first online name was sharetruth, but that was corrupted by the server and so I became childinside (or did I just get more real and let the child out?) and anonanonanon (asl=4/toon/here... or did I just give the child a way to play?), but I needed to create newsbee to share more, because the child was too vulnerable for the world at large and anonanonanon was just too playful for words... and sysquash was the damage done (though many would say, "what damage?" and miss half the irreverent seriousness for the serious irreverence... and yes, more, so much more...

and that is just the beginning...

it could all be ego or inspinct or whatever, but sometimes I think this written world internet thing was made for me and my the one... till tomorrow...

we are here we are here we are here...

are you?





------
*huh?

**well, this is interesting, isn't it? (don't yawn too loudly, it'll wake the kids).

***a very long and dramatic tale of passion and folly could unfold at the drop of a hat or at least after a long deep heavy pause following this phrase, kind of like the Abbott and Costello Niagara Falls bit, if you know it, and the name of the place (and the smile on her face) is not lost on us, we few who know, but for now, let's just say there's much much more depth and profound history and yes, so much much more behind the phrase than meets the eye.






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >




.

.

.

.

.

the moment

we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)...

you know that box to the right on the dland entry page called recent public entries?... what do the asterisks mean?... and the bold?...

. . .

connections

.

.

.

.

AND WHATDYA MISS?
Laughing Lament
stranger brews
once upon a diaryland
babbling through computer concerns
stunningly missing
older still


random chance

who me?

leave a note?
(read archived notes)

send me mail?

you want to know me?
soundtrack
101 Things
The Sequel
The Trilogy
202 Things
200 Things
202 More Things
202 Things Again
testing123
have time, love words?
sleepwriting
(where the heart dreams)

and now, in RealTime�

DO ME!
(Johari Style)


DO ME WRONG!
(but do me right)


SOAP!

(EPISODE ONE)
(the dark side of candoor)


loving linkers
other loves

A Diaryland Survey
other surveys
small world
your profile matters
(search for you & find me)


tell others
read others
applause?
favor?
gift?

get your own!

saturn rings and other places
googlisms
browsing
where've ya been?
the searchers

favorites

911
HEY AMERICA!
LOOK AT YOUR CHILD
STOP THE ABUSE

(GET THE CODE)

THOUGHTS ON GOD

( temporary attractions )


BACK TO #1 @ GOOGLE!

WAS #1 @ MSN!
(for a while, now on page 3 5)




(EXPERIMENTAL PLAYTHINGS)
RSS?



who links here
blogwise
Blogarama
Globe of Blogs
blogthings

~ BLOGLINKERS ~




~ BLOGROLLING ~
(Blogroll RSS)


Blogroll Me!

published
blogadvance
blogazoo
blogexplosion
blogmad?
bloglines



(PREVIOUS TEMPORARY ATTRACTIONS)
TSUNAMI INFO
fantasy sports?
BLOGGIES?
sorry everybody
Orange Blossom Music Festival

Deland Music Festival
MIT Survey

brilliant idea
Celebrate Birthdays
FOR FREEDOM



CONTINUE...
talking dog






SAY HELLO
407-325-1482





and if you want to leave
take good care
hope you make a lot
of true friends out there