"We are all capable of believing things which we know to be untrue, and then, when we are finally proved wrong, impudently twisting the facts so as to show that we were right. Intellectually, it is possible to carry on this process for an indefinite time: the only check on it is that sooner or later a false belief bumps up against solid reality, usually on a battlefield."

~ George Orwell

oh well... I guess the forces of the quniverse wanted more attention (or perhaps the mysteries are not to be exposed quite yet) as I lost the entry that was meant to be here in this space and can only imagine that it was somehow deleted in my sleep this morning, maybe I nodded off just as I cut it but before I pasted it and when I woke I forgot and moved on to something else, therein losing what was on the notepad clipboard...

alas, it was a fine change of pace too as I vaguely recall the content as most pleasing to my mind (it was mostly written in between nodding off, in that place between sleep and awake where we can still remember dreams, ya know?) it was more concrete detail about me and my actual history that most of you probably knew mixed in with more links to vital organs in my psyche and the human condition...

in other words, I really liked it...

as if it never was...

so the previous entry that is the previous entry took the place of the entry that was and at the same time, wasn't, because it shall never be an entry you shall see even though it was written and was an entry for me... perhaps the quniverse was teaching me more than I want to realize... and every time I lose I question the hypothesis - is it really better to have loved (or created) and lost than never to have loved (or created) at all?...

of course it is, but it still feels like crap at the moments of realization that something is actually lost and it can be very frustrating and turn me off to the whole process of writing or creating anything, especially at 3:16 AM...

verily Dear John, entry that was and wasn't, farewell in the here and now and fare well in the universe you are as you shall never be in this universe outside of the vague fog surrounding a very sleepy memory in my mind, but somewhere...

alas, so as we move on to the next thought, the next illusionary reality to be placed into words here in this space behind the candoor, some bits and pieces that became, at least for my eyes, the entry now lost shall remain scattered through this one... remnants of the seeds that blossomed once for my eyes alone...

the true breakthroughs in consciousness are so fleeting sometimes, we probably pass through a moment of evolutionary enlightenment or revolutionary revelation every day and miss it completely... perhaps a lot more often as the answers are always all around us just waiting for us to open our minds...

it is all so clear to me, but it cannot truly be shared unless I see it clearly in another's eyes... understanding is unmistakable and while I've allowed myself to be fooled in order to stave off the loneliness more than once in this life, I remain alone because I shall not compromise the truth as I know it in my mind... so share my illusion as your illusion, not because it is mine, but because it is yours, and then life shall begin for us...

and in the end, if you've truly been paying attention, almost every word I write is a message to someone who may or may not exist in this space in time in this universe, but the words will remain as long as they can in the hope that she (pronouns being relative) will find this message in the cyber bottle and toss back the only response that will satisfy the ultimate illusion I have sought beyond all time and space...

and wherever whenever we may be, we can still call it love...

I see I've attracted the wrath of the gods again (see notes)... how I love the gods of diaryland that in their random infinite wisdom they bless me with their presence and considering me a favorite (that really means a lot to me, silly as it may seem to some, because I've got much respect for these particular gods)... perhaps they had a hand in my lost entry...

and on a note related only in the fog of my forgotten memory, I am pondering adding The Fabric of Reality to my reading list... for lately my mind is aching for new ideas and people to take me on paths I've not explored before more and more, almost as much as my heart is aching to share love... realizing just how alone I am in this moment is like something out of a science fiction story... or a song that plays until the power runs out...

ground control to major tom...

speaking of the Jewish question (a phrase that might make some with a sense of history shudder as it lead to an even more heinous phrase, the final solution... read Mein Kampf and The Rise and Fall of Adolph Hitler for more details about how history proves George Orwell {remember the opening quote?} right)...

and if you think it's not meaningful in your life today, consider that we live in a country where a President can break laws of our own government and his own religion, violate the constitution, lie in order to hide corruption, betray allies, and invade other countries, mismanage our money, and illegally invade our privacy while the FBI protects Osama Bin Laden's right to privacy and still claim to stand on high moral grounds...

but back to the Jews and high moral ground, I think this protest is an overreaction that is all too typical for a minority people seeking an ideal world through censorship (similar to Christians boycotting Jesus-as-a-mortal-man movies or blacks wanting an all black culture {which never made any sense to me since it's segregation that fascilitates prejudice, but I suppose when it's self-imposed it's somehow ok?} any group trying to suppress ideas that conflict with their philosophy or belief system)...

not that Jews do not have good reason to be paranoid about negativity aimed in their direction... whether they are the most oppressed people because they are over thousands of years or merely perceived as such because they wrote down their history longer than most others, Jews have had to face obstacles and challenges that would have wiped cultures out (compare Hitler's Germany with the effect Manifest Destiny had on the indigenous tribes we call American Indians, for example)...

if you search google for a single word, you come up with sites that contain that word and as I understand it, the ranking is a numeric algorithm based on how many times the word appears on a site and how many links can be found to a site based on that word, or some such imponderable computer logic...

the fact is that the word Jew has more negative connotations than positive ones in our human language (just as nigger, ginny {hard 'G'}, kike, spic, and others are) and so makes it only logical that a search for the word Jew will bring up anti-semetic sites...

but to blame the computer program or programmers or to assume the people running the search engine website are anti-semetic or to demand they censor the web, well, that's a bit too paranoid for my taste...

but then, most of us have no idea how to begin to understand computer logic... and that's the primary problem with intellectuals, because no matter how logical their reasoning may be, a lot of valuable information and ideas shoot right over the heads of most people who do not speak that language... for the moment, I refer to Al Gore (see link) as an example that inspired me to make this comment:

I think the saddest thing about being educated is when one loses the ability to communicate with those who are not as educated. However unintentional, this is an inability to communicate that makes a mockery of education and undermines any attempt at getting a point across to the largest audience possible. I think every political speech should be translated into language a five year old can understand.

and read by a ten year old...

totally serious there (well about the five and ten year olds, at least), in case you thought that might be one of my irreverent attempts at humor (oh?)... of course I never claimed to do it, but then, I am not trying to fool all the people all the time (or run for political office and leader a nation, for that matter)...

now that might have been an underlying humor if you see the layers...

anyway, to continue along the path of thoughts about religion, from my perspective all the different versions of Christians are actually Jews who believe their messiah has come, while Jews believe their messiah has not come, but none of the groups seem able to accept that it's the same religion, the same moral code (and I won't get into the Koran just now), the same story... fundamentalist Christian creationists push the Jewish story of creation and the Jewish commandments...

the difference is that the Christians, who've been plenty persecuted themselves, simply added to the original story, the Jewish bible, and changed a few things as Kings and political pressures demanded throughout history...

and maybe the best question of all is do you (or a better question seems to be do any truly religious people) ever wonder just what the original text actually said before it was translated over and over under relatively omnipotent (and at least profoundly oppressive) secular political pressures to satisfy secular power mongers over thousands of years?...

cuz if you believe the English versions are the actual original words of god (or God) then you are delusional... even when there's no ulterior motives, no translation captures every meaning exactly, no less subtle nuances of language and the current bibles have been translated a lot more than once...

and then, ask yourself this... even if you want to buy that some of the actual meanings made it through the telephone game of manipulative translations, are you interpreting the words for yourself or are you letting someone else tell you what the words mean?...

to me, the holy books and those who've thumped on them have done a whole lot more harm than good to humanity and the world than, but you never know just what might get girls to take their clothes off and follow you around...

or little boys, for that matter...

the serious and the ridiculous merge in those last two thoughts as I extricate myself from thoughts on religions and stumble back into thoughts on politics for a moment as I bring you another part of Al Gore's mistake (that is, his intellect getting in the way of conveying a good point):

One of the other ways the Administration has tried to control the flow of information is by consistently resorting to the language and politics of fear in order to short-circuit the debate and drive its agenda forward without regard to the evidence or the public interest. As President Eisenhower said, "Any who act as if freedom's defenses are to be found in suppression and suspicion and fear confess a doctrine that is alien to America."

that was Hitler's tactic that set the world into a war that killed tens of millions, that was McCarthy's tactic that fueled a cold war for decades that had school taught to hide under their desks because the big bomb could drop from the sky at any moment...

and that is George W Bush's tactics to justify fascism, fear-mongering, and illegal and immoral acts against nature and humanity that violate his own religion (not to mention his bible thumping followers) for his family and his own personal and economic gains and strip you and me of our health and constitutional rights...

and there are none so blind as those who will not see...

so if any of you can show me how we are not living in paranoid times, how Bush is actually a peace-living, honest, comforting, reassuring, strong, decisive leader, I'll be happy to look at the evidence... but the evidence I do see as linked in the previous paragraph show me that we have a President much like the paranoid leaders of the past, except he is not nearly as charismatic, decisive, or intelligent a leader (and I, for one, am thankful for his beady-eyed empty stare because in it I see hope that he does not have a strong enough personality to sell fascism the way he and his masters might want to)...

as for western religion, well, I'm open to the possibility (as much as I am open eastern religions and to any and all the other systems of belief systems available and possible because anything is possible), but nothing good for me can be based on negative judgments or exclusivity...

love all your neighbors, not just the ones who agree with you...

love is a verb, not just a thought, but an action...

do love, be love...

do unto all as you'd like done to you...

and the bottom line, be positive, think positive, feel positive, think no harm, feel no harm, do no harm...

anything else is just window dressing...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)