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2004-06-20 - 4:00 a.m. home alone they might squeeze the corn a bit much at times, but In and Out has some rather funny bits... I am waiting to see if it's all camp-spoof or if it has a good point about tolerance to make as well... I mean, it is set in a high school for the most part...
I can find a friend I can have security until the bitter end anyone can comfort me with promises again I know... and I mean anyone, but I am not satisfied with comfort... or security... or sex, no matter how good it is... or a friend in the way the majority of the world uses the word... I want honesty, completely open honesty... nothing hidden, unconditional trust... that is truly honesty, even if the trust is conditional because of past trauma, being completely open and honest about the fears and/or walls and trauma that built and feeds and is in the way, that is the minimum it takes to satisfy me... for anything less is simply not honest... who is honest?... who has nothing to hide from me?... who can actualize sharing everything?... the next logical step would be to ask so what's the solution... what was the question again? ummmm, yeah right... this is what comes of being awake for two straight days... ah yes, how to share everything when the actual doing it requires someone else ready, willing, and able to do it... send out the sigul (yes, I am reading Song of Susannah, book six in Stephen King's The Dark Tower series, sigul = sign, signal, something that means something to someone who means something to me, or something like that... you understand if you understand)... so here I am (and there and elsewhere, right?)... sending out an S.O.S. to the world... doctor, doctor, send me a cure I've got a bad case of... allure... ah, the glam... now there might be someone in this world close enough to where I am (inside) to relate and actualize (that is why I stay alive, beside the altruistic notion that I might do some good somehow), but the clock keeps ticking down toward the final breath (I have not figured out the immortality in these flesh shells thing, if it's possible... and even if I did figure out how to keep the body alive forever, I don't know if I'd actually want to... but as I know it, time is limited in this particular life I am living) and every day there is one less day to share... and of course I hear Nicholas Cage speaking about Meg Ryan in City of Angels at the moment and if you just did too, well, you may be closer to where I am coming from than you realize... just one moment... run ten more climb a mountain swim out far from shore take the ultimate leap lay on me, fall asleep naked to the core open every door give up everything then give more and the TV shows me Die Hard and I love the irony... for what am I going on about... what more can be given than life itself... willing to die for anything?... for love?... I have...
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